SNOT:WWAD Graduate - Antebellum (Grogg Tree)

[Vort]

Hello! And welcome to your SNOT:WWAD classroom. Your TA will be here to help you out ASAP. In the meantime, please work on the following lesson set.

First Lesson Set A) Players' daily journal in Grrr... style: In AxeMan style. Type a Like, Dislike, etc. in the BOO:Grr... thread each day (or longer - remember, no time constraints) and post a link to it here in your classroom. B) Player post three of their own best posts, along with brief prelude: TA critiques. Best does not mean long - best means most appropriate. C) TA posts excerpts from three actual games: Players make next post for each. These will be posted when 'A' and 'B' are complete. Comments a) Given any info in the thread, you should be able to pick up a Grrr... response. b) Copy post and link to original post. That way your TA can go to the thread and review context if necessary. Use 'spoilerbutton' and 'fieldset' tags but avoid using 'quote' as it messes up the original formatting. Only one of the three must be in-game.   If this were a real post, the link would be here. Post #1 Here is my post. c) Your TA (or faculty) will make a post (or more) and you will follow it up. It is highly likely that this will be a situation that AxeMan Himself has been in, and therefore a true challenge indeed! The posts are not familiar to the students, and therefore a good test of the student's current level of skill compared to each other.

Good luck and have fun!

[Antebellum]

Part A Grrr... post

Part B   This was the first post in a game that I recently started. Aerl Stonebeard, a gold dwarf cleric of Moradin hired on as a caravan guard as a means of reaching a new settlement. He used to adventure, but hasn't in decades as he now has a wife and twins. The caravan was just ambushed and an explosion wracked the guards. This was the first post of the game when Aerl just recovered from being unconscious. Post. Post 1 ... tink ... tink ... tink tink ... tink ... tink tink tink ... tink tink ... tink tink tink tink ... Rain?? Aerl thought as he laid face down in the dirt. "... with her in Arvandor." Voices?!? His mind processes the unfamiliar voice as he ponders why he was outside and lying in the dirt he moved to get up, "Mmmm..." he groaned as he tried to move. What happened?? Why am I stiff and sore?? "Argh." he groaned as he pushed himself up, blinking and staring at the dirty trail that would likely soon become mud. "Cursed northern lands." he heard from another source as he brought his armored knees under him as he sat up. His mind reeled as he looked at the devastation. "By Moradin's beard." he sputtered in dwarven as he looked around to see a score of dead, the wagons destroyed and horses run off. A crater lay in the trail not far from him where he lay, smoke slowly rising from some smoldering ashes of whatever got hit from the explosion. He see's a small woman, human or part elf by the looks of it, sobbing over a body, placing coppers on the man's eyes. One of the travelers perhaps?? Another man, scimitar in hand surveys the wreckage and appears to be looking for survivors. I think he was one of the guards. Picking his warhammer up off the ground, Aerl used it help him to his feet. "Argh, me back." he said softly stretching as he looked down at the hammer. "Bah!" he said as he kicked his armored boot on the darkened stone head of the warhammer; the gold etchings that were inlaid within the accursed hammer were caked with dirt. "Oi ... what happened??" he asked the other two that were up and moving. He scanned the area below the mountains and his gaze slowly rose to their peaks. The sun was starting to set, it would soon be dark.   This was also the beginning of a game, though not the first post. Nicodemus Jesper is a tribal 'elf' ranger. In this situation, Nicodemus and his father are attempting to negotiate with rival tribesmen about the owner of the watering hole. At this point, it is still a solo game, and negotiations quickly go down hill. Post. Post 2 A man on a red horse?? Nicodemus thinks to himself. The desert heat seems to have already gotten to them. As the woman insults the desert, their homeland, their livelihood ... them, Nicodemus squints his eyes at her,clearly upset. He starts to move restlessly, obviously tiring of the conversation that gleaned a wealth of information, but was going nowhere but downhill, and fast. His last thoughts were confirmed as the man drew his sword in response to Augustine's last warning. In the blink of an eye, Nicodemus' long blade was before him, his hands holding it in a defensive fashion. It appeared he was in a defensive position, but little did most know, that Nicodemus could strike multiple ways from this simple stance. "I suggest you leave, friend."   This post is from a game that I am running, The Red Hand of Doom, a module that I am placing in the Forgotten Realms setting. This post is the first time that the characters meet their supposed benefactor, Lady Janella Spelloyal, a half-drow noble of Dambrath. Post. Post 3 Kythorn 4 / 1372: 7ish pm As the Lady Janella sits down, many of the commoners in the room look upon her with a combination of hatred, longing, and fear. She is one of the noble Crinti, and every one of those people would love to be in her position, if just for a day, but they all fear the Crinti's ability to get what they want and do whatever is needed to get it. She orders wine for herself and sits down, releasing the gem encrusted broach that holds her cloak on and lays it over the chair. For the first time, those around her can see that she has an attractive figure and a graceful body built for show, not work. As the four adventurers, an elf, a halfling, and two humans, gather round the table she looks up at them, slowly scanning their faces before moving onto the next one. "So this is what I get for advertising in this good for nothing town." she says with a slight tone of disgust. "At least one of my kin heeded my call" she said looking at the elf woman. Looking quickly at each of you once again she continues, "Verywell. You are probably wondering what this is all about. Well, I have recently come into possession of some knowledge that could turn into a very profitable venture." She looks at each of you, reading the reactions to her words. "Have any of you heard of Vraath keep??" She pauses a minute, "No, I had figured so. The Keep, located in the Shaareach Forest in southern Shaar, was owned by the Vraath family centuries ago. Stories say that the family rid the Shaareach of many of the monstrous beings in the forest and amassed great wealth." She pauses. "That was until they were attacked and defeated by a band of forest giants that they had instigated. Tales say that the keep is haunted by the ghost of Amery Vraath, the sole survivor of the attack, and still lies unexplored to this day." She laughs a bit at the story of the place being haunted. Sipping on her wine, she looks to them, "So what say you??" previously secret text You recognize the holy symbol of the faith, but know little of the deity or the faith besides its has to do with the strategy of war. previously secret text You did not hear anything upstairs. Sorry about that, I had forgotten.

[Antebellum]

Posting another post that I am proud of

Part B   This is an application for a half-orc druid who found druidism because he started taking care of mushrooms and other fungus in a sewer outlet in an underground cave. Eventually the plants started talked to him and teaching him and he felt that nature gave him power. He was then arrested (part of the opening plot of the game) for beating up someone who was defiling his home. Post. Post Name: Slog Race: Half-Orc Class: Druid 3 Alignment: Neutral Deity: Currently none Appearance: Slog has a somewhat feral and orc-like appearance despite the presence of human blood. His nose is upturned and tusks protrude from his lower jaw at least an inch above his lips. His grayish skin tone, pronounced forehead and brow line, and yellowish eyes mark him apart even further from humans. He has a mane of thick black hair and thick sideburns to match, adding to his uncivilized look. Slog had fashioned cloths made out of the hides of dead animals and vermin, mostly rats, and other scraps of material he has scavenged from his home. The hides smelled quite a bit, but worked well for protection. He had found an old keg top and fashioned it into a usable shield and also made a primitive spear, club, and staff out of various wood and debris. Now that he is in prison though, all Slog wears is a loincloth-like robe covering his lower body that is held in place by a thick leather belt.   Attachment 42875 Personality: Slog is independent, cautious, yet somewhat cunning. His limited intelligence is a product of his heritage and lack of formal teaching, yet he possesses an insight and a wisdom beyond the norm. He is quite in tune with nature and because of that has had limited contact with others and with the outside world. He learned some speech from when he was a young half-orc trying to survive on the surface and has since picked up some from listening to the sanitation workers near his home. He has a personality similar to a house cat, quite curious, but the littlest things can make his jump out of his skin. Slog enjoys investigating things he has not come across before, and will often sit and watch them for hours on end. He tends to speak slowly as his limited intelligence and orc-like tusks get in the way of normal speech, and though his words may sound simple, there is a natural cunning and wisdom behind them. Background: "You want to know 'bout me??" The half-orc asks, slightly confused at someone asking about him. "I no know what real name or where from," he says, talking slowly as if each word out of his mouth is a struggle. "People in prison call me Slog. No know why," Slog adds with a shrug and a confused look on his face. "First memry is when little. Not small, me bigger than other boys. Little age. Young," he says, remembering the correct word with a slight smile to himself. "Little boys make fun at me. I pushed one, but too many and they beat me." Slog sighs. "Next day. Same. I not know what to do. So I run." He thinks for a moment before continuing, "No big people ..." 'adults?' the man interrupts asking. Slog nods, "Adults. Yes. No, adults, would help. So I run to sewers. Kids just laugh and point. Think funny." He takes a sip of the mushroom beer that is in front of him as the listener nods and looks in inquisitively. "I follow sewer under ground and come out in cave. Was most mazing thing I seen." As he describes the location, his face brightens considerably and he gets excited and slightly animated. "It glowed. Not bright. But blue and green. Mushrooms and fungus. Luminate the cave." He moves his hands as if they were rays of sunlight. "Stuff in sewer make mushrooms grow. Fungus grow. Boletus Chrysenteron, Coltricia Perennis, Dyer's Bracket, and others. So many." Despite his limited grasp of the language, the names of the mushrooms roll off his tongue as if he were a scholar. "I stay there. Me feel safe. No one know me here. Feel safe." After another sip of beer, Slog continues, "I stay there. Take care of fungus. Of me garden," he adds with a laugh and a smile. "Me learn about mushrooms from mushrooms. They tell me about them. I gain power, under- understanding. Later learn that natural world, nature, supported me." Slog pauses and stares for a moment, trying to put the string of events together in the correct order. "I become friend with nature. Learn magic from plants!" he says as his voice becomes excited and eyes widen. "Me take care of sewer caves. Lot of life. Make it better. Oh!" he exclaims, "Become friends with tiny aminals." He holds his hands about six inches apart. "Rat and bat. Spiders! They my friends!" He sighs, knowing what comes next, and looks around at his surroundings. The bare rock walls of the prison, water slowly seeping through a crack and pooling in the corner. He sighs again and points down at the table he is sitting at. "Now me here. Me protect me home. Me mushrooms. Me friends." he sighs, clearly distressed. "They not stop. I try to tell them no. They not stop. I made them stop." He looks around to make sure no one else was listening. "They beat me. Guards beat me and then put me here. I only protect me home. Not mean to hurt." Traits/Flaws: Nightsighted (UA, p89); Coward (DnD Wiki), Curious (DnD Wiki) RP Sample: See background.

[Grogg Tree]

Hello Antebellum. I'm GT and I'll be your slave driver TA for your class. I see that you have started the lessons and so I'll look them over when I get time (seeing as how work gets in the way... ). For now, continue your Grrr posts and feel free to tell me something about yourself if you'd like.

-GT

[Antebellum]

Howdy. Um, I'm from CT. Mid 20's. Currently I'm a criminal justice research assistant working on my masters degree. Been playing DnD on and off for about ten years. I also play Warhammer 40k.

I'm not a huge OOC talker, so you might have to prod me once or twice with your whip.

[Antebellum]

Grrrrr.....

[Grogg Tree]

Well, sounds like you have a really interesting career field ahead of you when you graduate school, so congrats on the options.

Sorry I haven't been able to post more, in fact check my signature to see for yourself. As such, I figured I'd ask you if you want me to find another TA that may have more time or want me to post as I get time (which may be a little as once a week). I'll leave the option up to you...

-GT

[Antebellum]

Glad to hear it sounds like you're back on your feet and congratulations with the job and the place (even though working extra sucks).

It is up to you whether or not you want a student. I am okay with a post about once a week.

[Grogg Tree]

Alright then, I'll remain your TA. If I start slacking, send me a PM.

Also, I'll look things over and post in the next day or two (if I don't forget).... got to crash since 4 am comes really early.

-GT

[Antebellum]

Cool, looking forward to it ... also, grrr...

[Grogg Tree]

Originally Posted by Antebellum

 

Alright, sorry for taking so long. Have had a lot going on with moving and such, so every time I sat down to read, I was interrupted. On to the criticism...

 

Post 1 Overall, this was a well written post. It really felt like I was sitting there, staring at Aerl looking around, bewildered in the rain. The only issues I had was the need to break sentences up better. My mind read many things and placed an imaginary period.   Original sentence His mind processes the unfamiliar voice as he ponders why he was outside and lying in the dirt he moved to get up, "Mmmm..." he groaned as he tried to move. Personal change His mind processes the unfamiliar voice as he ponders why he was outside and lying in the dirt. He struggled to get up, "Mmmm..." he groaned as he tried to move. (Also, instead of having 'move' twice in the same sentence, I changed the first one to give it more feeling and power.) This happened off and on throughout the post. So keep an eye out for these while proofreading.

Post 2 Again, I ran into run-on sentences. Also, you can use other descriptive words when posting.   Original A man on a red horse?? Nicodemus thinks to himself. The desert heat seems to have already gotten to them. As the woman insults the desert, their homeland, their livelihood ... them, Nicodemus squints his eyes at her,clearly upset. He starts to move restlessly, obviously tiring of the conversation that gleaned a wealth of information, but was going nowhere but downhill, and fast. His last thoughts were confirmed as the man drew his sword in response to Augustine's last warning. Personal change A man on a red horse?? Nicodemus thinks to himself. The desert heat seems to have already gotten to them. As the woman insults the desert, their homeland, their livelihood ... them, the elf squints his eyes at her, clearly upset. He starts to move restlessly, obviously tiring of the conversation that gleaned a wealth of information, but was going nowhere but downhill, and fast. The ranger's last thoughts were confirmed as the man drew his sword in response to Augustine's last warning. (I didn't correct the run-on sentences here, just the descriptive words. Let the reader know things about your character, since the only way we know about them is based off your posts.)

Post 3 In this one, the second paragraph is a wall-o-text. It really needs to be broken up, both for ease of reading and to add to the story. There was one misspelled word and that is because Verywell didn't get split.   Original As the four adventurers, an elf, a halfling, and two humans, gather round the table she looks up at them, slowly scanning their faces before moving onto the next one. "So this is what I get for advertising in this good for nothing town." she says with a slight tone of disgust. "At least one of my kin heeded my call" she said looking at the elf woman. Looking quickly at each of you once again she continues, "Verywell. You are probably wondering what this is all about. Well, I have recently come into possession of some knowledge that could turn into a very profitable venture." She looks at each of you, reading the reactions to her words. "Have any of you heard of Vraath keep??" She pauses a minute, "No, I had figured so. The Keep, located in the Shaareach Forest in southern Shaar, was owned by the Vraath family centuries ago. Stories say that the family rid the Shaareach of many of the monstrous beings in the forest and amassed great wealth." She pauses. "That was until they were attacked and defeated by a band of forest giants that they had instigated. Tales say that the keep is haunted by the ghost of Amery Vraath, the sole survivor of the attack, and still lies unexplored to this day." She laughs a bit at the story of the place being haunted. Sipping on her wine, she looks to them, "So what say you??" Personal change As the four adventurers, an elf, a halfling, and two humans, gather round the table she looks up at them, slowly scanning their faces before moving onto the next one. "So this is what I get for advertising in this good for nothing town." she says with a slight tone of disgust. "At least one of my kin heeded my call" she said looking at the elf woman. Looking quickly at each of you once again she continues, "Very well. You are probably wondering what this is all about. Well, I have recently come into possession of some knowledge that could turn into a very profitable venture." Glancing at each of you, she reads your reactions to her words. "Have any of you heard of Vraath keep??" She pauses a minute, "No... I had figured as much. The Keep, located in the Shaareach Forest in southern Shaar, was owned by the Vraath family centuries ago. Stories say that the family rid the Shaareach of many of the monstrous beings in the forest and amassed great wealth." She pauses briefly. "That was until they were attacked and defeated by a band of forest giants that they had instigated. Tales say that the keep is haunted by the ghost of Amery Vraath, the sole survivor of the attack, and still lies unexplored to this day." She laughs a bit at the story of the place being haunted. Sipping on her wine, she looks to them, "So what say you??" (I changed a few words to make it flow better. Again, you can change the descriptive words to add to the story.) Also, you can add the date/time to the title line when posting, like in this post. This will clean it up and I prefer the way it looks. (Also, I'd personally change the format to Kythorn 4, 1372 / 7ish pm, but that is me.)

-GT

[Antebellum]

Thank you for the criticism. In my professional writing I have been told that I do not vary sentence structure and word choice very well and I have been working on that. I will continue to work on it and work on it in this medium also. As for run-on sentences ... subconsciously I think that I knew that I was doing it. I always tried to fit a lot into my sentences, and they do probably often become run-on. I like your advice on revealing facts about the character by using different pronouns.

[Grogg Tree]

Well, I do know that my writing has had a major overhaul in the last few years. In school, English was by far my worst subject and I hated to write. But through mediums such as this, I've become more of a fan of writing. Being a perfectionist, I've tried to improve my skills in that area.

Just to let you know, I may be checking up on your game posts off and on to see how you are doing with that. You never know...

-GT

[Grogg Tree]

Here is your next lesson, so enjoy.

Lesson 2 Have a hook: What is your personality? Can you stick to it? Do you have a 'thing' that others can recognize about you? Is it in your writing?

-GT

[Antebellum]

I might feel stupid after asking ... but what exactly are you looking for?