Critique My Character Application!

[Aethera]

Thread moved to Gaming Advice / Player Support.

[zevonian]

@Oliverjsn - note that the creator of this thread is on hiatus, and you're the first to post in over a year. A lengthy, detailed review of your character might not be arriving soon. But having read your write up once I'll offer a couple questions.

1. If Galleon feels like he had been alone for centuries, how does he intend to return to his family? Does he think they are still alive, or does he intend to travel back in time?

2. Warlock? Who is his benefactor? You pick that class, I'm thinking a GM or DM will want to know what sort of patron you have in mind.

[Admin Dirk]

If I were a potential GM, looking this over as an app...

The idea of a warforged as puppet is sound, and makes good sense. A bound soul, trying to return to humanity, is a fine motive.

There are aspects to your writing style here that would cause you to fare less well against others.

You write with a minimalist style, which is fine, but be aware that you still need to add details, even in that style, or else you end up with a collection of sentences that lack cohesion between them. Your description starts out well, with declarative narrative along a theme, but when I get to your background, the style throws me.. it's too disjointed.

In your description, you say Galleon keeps his face veiled. Then, you tell the reader what the face looks like... how, if it's veiled, do we know that? This is the issue with short narrative sentences you will need to overcome, to use them well. If the first sentence is true, then how do we know (to trust) the second? And if we know the second (the description of the face), then should we believe the first sentence is false?

This is where a longer narrative might serve your writing, and reading, better.

Galleon keeps his face obscured by a veil, to hide his features from others. It was not that he was ashamed, but that when he lifted the veil, it always seemed to him that the carved features seemed to have changed. On the rare occasion he allowed others to see him, they also remarked about being disturbed by it; claiming that between every glance, it seemed to have altered, but it never moved while being watched.

Your background text suffers from the same fate, I feel... the sentences themselves are good, but together, they seem to jump from one idea to another, and leave crucial information out.

A dagger on a desk. Galleon Description. Two on the job, then one about his family and home. Then several about the town, then back to the dagger. They are all nice, and they probably tell a story in your head because you fill in the details (the links) between them, but to me... the vital links are still missing.

Why would someone put a dagger on a desk? Galleon lives in a merchant's outpost, but aside from a "desk job", we have no idea what he does. Apparently, he has the type of desk job where people put daggers on them?

You say that "after leaving, Galleon found himself with little to do"... after leaving what? the desk? the job? the store? He lives in the store, right? So did he close up the store, and leave with the dagger, to go somewhere else? Where? Why? Why not go to the back, and see his family?

[zevonian]

Moderator Note- Thread reopened.

[Gaijin]

This thread could be very helpful with a bit of tweaking.

If anyone wants to submit an application for review (Not from my own game advertisement: Affliction), I would like to use it to establish a baseline for a Feedback Template to make it easier for other members to participate.

[briar]

"Kehehe...you look tasty!"

Gwretchen
3rd Level・Neutral・Adopted・Hexblood LineageHexblood Goblin・Patron: Great Old OneWarlock

At first glance, Gwretchen may look like just a homey, smiling little goblin, dressed up and down in drab, ragged old clothing reminiscent of a rustic aesthetic. However, locking with her bright, orange-amber eyes would immediately send a cold shiver up one's spine and put a dull feeling in the pit of one's throat. And a glimpse of her fanged smile is like staring into the waiting maw of a ravenous predator.

Childlike in appearance and manner, Gwretchen pervades an ill aura that feels somehow foreboding and lurid, like an insatiable hunger, and it doesn't really help that all manner of crooked utensils and deformed cooking implements are hanging off of her pack, banging loudly in the wake of her steps.

Despite this evil sensation, however, Gwretchen is as amicable and friendly as they come, being largely concerned with only two things: becoming a peerless chef, able to make the most undesirable food tasty and fulfilling, and finding her mysterious 'Great Granny', whom she is constantly trying to impress despite her absence. In fact, Gwretchen regularly claims to hear her matron's voice, in her head of course.

This strange dichotomy of an individual wanders the world in search of these two great goals, heedless of the boundaries, traditions, and beliefs of others. To her, the world is just a big kitchen, and she can't wait to eat her fill of all the experiences it has to offer.

7-Step Background

Question 1 Write 5 background and concept elements that you feel are important to your image of the character. One of these should include where they are from. Gwretchen was raised by humans. Or rather, she was enslaved by them. This happened in a small, nameless land. Her "parents" forced her to do manual labor and entertain them like a jester. One day, however, the town was attacked by marauders and burnt to the ground. The populace was put to the sword. Gwretchen alone survived. Up until then, she never truly learned how to differentiate between affection and cruelty. As a result, she only vaguely understands concepts like kindness and generosity, which were things shown to her only rarely. She has a very strange and skewed way of seeing the world and tends to react very differently to stimuli than others, which is the result of her upbringing coming to clash with her nature. That said, Gwretchen has been exposed to every side of the story. Humans, orcs, elves, goblins. They're all the same in her eyes. They're all capable of compassion, but also cruelty and violence, both against one another and themselves. No matter what they are, they're all the same. They all live, they all die... The only difference is, some taste better than others. However, she didn't reach this point on her own through some great personal revelation or idealism. She has always been accompanied by...her. For a time, she took the form of a spider, then a cat, a frog. She was even a fly, once. She never named herself, so Gwretchen just started calling her 'Great Granny' because she always sounded so old and wise and full of stories. This being was the one that opened her eyes: all that live are scum; all that live deserve to be eaten. Some of them even make good stews. One day, Gwretchen knows something (or someone) will eat her, too. She just hopes she tastes good. And speaking of things that taste good, Gwretchen herself is a bit of a connoisseur in that regard, and eating is her greatest passion. She wants to consume all manner of things and has taken up the trade of a culinarian to do it, albeit mostly for her own convenience and experimentation rather than for any sort of monetary need. Of course, the food she makes is sometimes a little questionable, especially in terms of what she chooses to use for ingredients... Question 1 ۞ Question 2 List 2-4 goals. One should be your character's goal. The other should be a goal you have FOR your character. Survival shouldn't be it. Visit her Granny! Gwretchen wants desperately to meet her mysterious benefactor, whom she affectionately refers to as 'Great Granny'. The true identity of this being is, of course, her patron, Baba Yaga. I would like to see Gwretchen become an Archfey! Or at the very least, something akin to it. That is, once she is done growing and learning about who she is and her origins, of course. It will be a very long, arduous road fraught with peril and lots of identity crises, but I think it could be quite fun. On a less grand note, I would like for her to visit the Feywild (or whatever the equivalent might be in this world) at least a few times, even if just in a dream-like state. Some encounters with powerful fey would be fun, too, if at all possible. Perhaps hags would be best, but other 'typically evil fey' would also work well. I'm not against her encountering nicer fey, though, though I doubt any of them would want to meet her. I would loooove the opportunity to do a bit of magical crafting, perhaps making use of the magic item crafting rules from either the third-party supplement, Witch+Craft by Astrolago Press (it's on DriveThruRPG), or if not that, the system from Xanthar's Guide to make some fun custom magic items. Bigby's gloves/gauntlet comes to mind! Question 2 ۞ Question 3 List 2 secrets. One your character knows, one they do not. Great Granny always told her that they were family. This is true, at least to an extent. As a hexblood, Gwretchen carries the curse of a hag in her veins. Whether she is directly related to Baba Yaga, or how close this relation is, however, is uncertain. Either way, Gwretchen believes that Baba Yaga is her real grandmother, and very little is going to dissuade that mentality, nor her loyalty to her patron. Despite all she has been through, Gwretchen still just thinks she's a 'wretched goblin'. That's what the humans who raised her always called her, after all. In truth, however, Gwretchen is a gremlin--a devious and wicked little fey creature that delights in the torment of others. Fortunately, Gwretchen's hag blood combined with her upbringing has largely curtailed most of that sort of behavior...for now. Question 3 ۞ Question 4 Describe 3 people that are tied to the character. Two should be friendly. One should be hostile. Brittany: The ghost of a little girl that occasionally returns and 'haunts' Gwretchen. In life, she was the closest thing Gwretchen had to a 'friend' in the town where she was raised and was responsible for giving the goblin girl her name (being an amalgam of Gretchen and 'wretch', which was what her 'family' called her). Brittany was not spared from the same fate that befell the rest of the village, but their friendship persists, even in death. Hyggladavaghnir: An ogre matron and shaman who happened upon the charred ruins of the village following the attack, she found Gwretchen, who was busying herself over a huge cauldron full of bubbling stew. After sharing the meal, she took Gwretchen into her care for a time and helped reintroduce her to 'monster' society. She shows true care and concern for the little goblin, though she is wary of the strange power that writhes within. Elric: The son of the humans who had enslaved Gwretchen, he was away from home when the town was ransacked and his parents were murdered by the invading army. He has always hated Gwretchen's presence and rues the fact that everyone he cared about died while she lived. Question 4 ۞ Question 5 Describe 3-4 memories, mannerisms, or quirks that your character has. Though technically an adult by goblin standards, Gwretchen is young, and her upbringing was sheltered and largely devoid of outside interaction with peers. As a result, she is still quite immature, abrasive, and even childlike. She is prone to naivety, as well as intense curiosity, and questions everything. She is also a bit of a prankster with the humor of an adolescent, though given that she is a goblin, that's hardly surprising. Sometimes, Gwretchen speaks in loud whispers (aka stage whispers), often as a way of emphasizing something that she is saying or accentuating her speech. Sometimes, these whispers are accompanied by a hiss. When stressed, she tends to grumble incoherently and will often pick at or tear the skin off of her bottom lip. Gwretchen's laugh is that of a child-like giggle that is both infectious and mildly unnerving, sometimes borderline malevolent. Her eyes tend to get really big when she laughs and her fanged grin is usually on full display, adding to the effect. Her smile is similarly horrifying, and she often wears it a little longer than most people are comfortable with. Sometimes she can even be heard breathing through her teeth while she does. Gwretchen absolutely adores mushrooms and makes a point to keep an eye out for some whenever she is wandering in a woodland area or anywhere else she knows they tend to congregate. When she is able to find one big enough, she sometimes wears their caps as hats, breaking off pieces of it to munch on as she travels. She doesn't seem to mind the taste, even when they start to get slimy. Her favorite dish is mushroom-bowl soup, in which she finds a big mushroom, turns it over, hollows it out, and uses as one might a bread bowl. Question 5 ۞ Question 6 List your character's personality trait, bond, ideal, and flaw. Trait 1: Understanding. No matter how different we are, we can always find something we both like. Or maybe dislike. Trait 2: Marinade. Patience is a virtue. The only way to bring out the best in something is to let it soak in all the tender juices. And you know what? People aren't all that different. They just need to cook a little longer sometimes. Bond: Doting Granddaughter. Do you know the way to Great Granny's house? I really really want to go see her... Ideal: Amusement. If there isn’t any fun in doing something then why do it? (Chaotic) Flaw: Absolute Loyalty. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Great Granny! I'll make you proud of me! Question 6 ۞ Question 7 List 2 things that make your character afraid and 2 things that give them hope. More than anything, Gwretchen is deeply attached to her patron. Rather than fearing Baba Yaga's wrath, however, what terrifies her is the old witch's silence. The idea of her Great Granny never speaking to her again is unbearable, and any threat of it from someone else is met with fierce, often violent reproach. Oddly enough, one of the things she fears most is disappointing someone with her cooking. She takes great pride in her skill as a chef and gets pretty bent out of shape when someone doesn't like something she makes. On the other hand, she also relies greatly on her cooking as a way of bridging the gap between her and others. She believes that sharing a meal with someone is the best way to get to know other people and that the world would be a lot simpler if people solved their differences over dinner rather than on a battlefield. Gwretchen absolutely loathes standing still. Sitting in one place for any longer than it takes for her to eat or sleep isn't going to get her any closer to what she wants, after all, and so she feels the best when she's on the move. As long as she is putting one foot in front of the other, she'll get wherever she is going eventually. Question 7

✦•······················•✦•······················• ✦

Misc Information
About Me Ohayo! My name is briar, and I've been playing D&D since the 3.x/Pathfinder era, having started with 3.0. If 'hippie-punk' was an aesthetic, it would be me. In my offline time, I enjoy things like writing, watching anime, playing video games, and various outdoor hobbies, but most specifically, camping. Currently, I am in several games as a player, and I run two as a GM, including a Pokémon version of Ryuutama and a heavily modified D&D 5e game about adventurers who travel the world searching for amazing food and ingredients. Oh and PS: If you couldn't tell, I really love to play with this forum's bbc code. I'm very aesthetically minded, and I like things to look 'pretty' and 'professional'. I realize this can sometimes be a bit intimidating, but I hope it doesn't really bother anyone. It's just something I like to do. As a Player As a player, I tend to enjoy characters and story more than I do the mechanical aspects of games and often look for more imaginative and character-influenced ways to solve problems than just beating them with a stick. I don't hate combat and fighting, but I like to exhaust other options first, when available. Expect me to be the 'nosy' type of player who wants to get to know all the PCs and NPCs. I tend to be drawn to interesting personalities, and character interaction/bonding/relationships are the most interesting parts of these games, at least for me. In addition, I love games that allow for lots of exploring. About Me	This character and her build use a few alterations that the GM of this game should review. They are: Warlock Patron: Originally, Gwretchen was going to be a Warlock of the Archfey, and her patron's identity was meant to be that of Baba Yaga, and she became pretty important to the character the more I wrote. However, I later found that the mechanical effects and abilities of the Great Old One are a little closer thematically to the vibe I wanted for her. If the GM would be so kind, I'd like to use the Great Old One patron's mechanics, but keep to the fluff of 'Dark Archfey', using Baba Yaga (or whatever her world-equivalent in this campaign is) as her patron. Adopted Background: This character uses the Adopted background, which is a 3rd Party Background. I have provided the link for review in the character's tagline at the top of this post. In addition, I would like to use the background's Alternate Feature, No Discrimination, rather than the base. I used the optional rules for Customizing Backgrounds to swap out the skills & proficiencies, but the background equipment remains the same as the base. If the GM decides not to allow this particular background, I will be fine switching it to the Feylost background instead. Vibe & Tendencies with Alignment: Gwretchen is going to be one of those characters that toy around with the line between good and evil. She is meant to be largely 'leaning towards good', but in a way that is often unnerving, insidious, and more than a little 'weird'. If you want a comparison of what sort of character I am going for, think: Addams family. Wholesome, but in a creepy and macabre sort of way, and I plan to have a lot of fun with it. I presently have no plans to push her more towards the path of evil, but she may appear a little depraved at certain points, at least from the point of view of others. Race: So I've alluded to it and mentioned it here and there, but Gwretchen isn't really a goblin, she just thinks she is because that's what the humans who 'raised' her always called her. Instead, I'm modeling her character after that of a Gremlin. I am aware that there is no gremlin race in D&D 5e, though the creature exists (largely within the realm of Faerun). Fortunately, since I am using the Hexblood Lineage, all of those features overwrite whatever she was before. Either way, even though mechanics are largely unaffected since this is an alteration, I wanted to make sure you were ok with it. It's also something that I'd like to keep largely under wraps at first, revealing it slowly over the course of the campaign as part of her character's growth. GM Considerations	Character Sheet	Plothooks Gwretchen is looking for things. Lots of things, really, and any one of them could loosely tie into whatever story you're cooking up. However, since this is an exercise with no plot to attach to, I'll just give a few potential plot hooks instead for the sake of the example: Option 1: It's possible that the party meets her along their route forward. Faced with some sort of impasse, they learn of a 'witch' who lives in the area and might be able to aid them in progressing further. That 'witch' turns out to be Gwretchen, who has taken up temporary residence in the abandoned lair of an ancient hag coven, looking for secrets that might lead her to her Great Granny. After coming up empty, she decides it's time to leave, and why not go with this lot? Alternatively, if you want her to be more invested, it could be that she finds some sort of clue that links with the party's quest. Using the things she wants as a plot device is a surefire way to get her interested in whatever the party has going on. Option 2: If that doesn't work, then perhaps the group needs a chef. If the party has some sort of benefactor or they have need of someone to cook meals for them during a long journey, having Gwretchen fulfill that role could be a great railway to getting her involved in the plot since she'll be privy to the events. Plothook

Non-Character Submission Notes I crafted up this character back when I was going to apply for a game but ended up not doing so. Someone around here might recognize her The 7-Step Character Background was a requirement from the GM, so I kept it, but I've trimmed things down a notch and eliminated some campaign-specific material, so she lacks a static plot hook, but I've given a few generic examples of how she might be incorporated into a party or plotline.

[Gaijin]

Hah, thanks briar!

Starting off with the most unconventional application is a great way to break through preconceptions, so you're doing me a big favor. And, of course, I'm very biased in favor of Tablemancy, so I'm going to try to not let that skew my follow-up as I work on the rubric.

Do you happen to have a link to the original game advertisement that you're willing to either edit in, or send me?

Critiquing an application in the context of the setting has been recommended in the associated discussion thread, so I'd like to chew on that as part of the process.

[briar]

I was going to apply with her to Insacrum's The Wandering And The Lost when they posted looking for replacements a little while back, but I ended up deciding to run another game of my own instead. Additionally, I have a copy of her unedited app with the specific plot hooks for that game listed here, in case you want to see those, too.

[Gaijin]

Alright, here's the initial mock-up. Let me know what you think.

Obviously, your application is great, so there wasn't a lot to say about it. I'm specifically looking for feedback on the broad categories, and usability issues.

• Does this structure seem like it would make it easier for less motivated members to participate in the process?
• Would this level of feedback be constructive for the applicant?
• Is this structure appropriate for improving applications across the full spectrum of games?

 

[FIELDSET=""][CENTER][TABLE=head]{colsp=4}[B]Game Application Rubric[/B]
{css=cent}[B]Category[/B]|[B]Weak[/B]|[B]Average[/B]|[B]Strong[/B]
[TAB][/TAB][TAB][/TAB]|[TAB][/TAB][TAB][/TAB]|[TAB][/TAB][TAB][/TAB]|[TAB][/TAB][TAB][/TAB]
[B]First Impression[/B]||
[B]Intrigue[/B]||
[B]Compliance[/B]||
[B]Writing Quality[/B]||
[B][I]DM Perspective[/I][/B]||
[B][I]Player Perspective[/I][/B]||[/TABLE][/CENTER]

[B][COLOR="Red"]Red[/COLOR] Flags:[/B]

[B][COLOR="SeaGreen"]Green[/COLOR] Flags:[/B]

[B]Overall Impression:[/B]
[hr][/hr]
[B]Notes:[/B]
[/FIELDSET]

 

• First Impression: Does the application stand out at a glance? (Formatting, imagery, font, color)
• Intrigue: Does the character have enough depth to feel "alive"? (Traits, bonds, flaws, motivations)
• Compliance: Does this application meet requirements of the advertisement? (App template, hidden flags)
• Writing Quality: How well written is this application? (Spelling, grammar, structure)
• DM Perspective: How easily could this character be integrated into the setting? (Thematically appropriate, easily incentivized)
• Player Perspective: How easily could other players engage with this character? (Relatability, social awareness)

• Red Flags: What puts this application at an immediate disadvantage?
• Green Flags: What makes this application particularly appealing?

Character — Game Game Application Rubric Category Weak Average Strong First Impression       Intrigue       Compliance       Writing Quality       DM Perspective       Player Perspective       Red Flags: Green Flags: Overall Impression:

 

Gwetchen — The Wandering and the Lost Game Application Rubric Category Weak Average Strong First Impression     ✔ Intrigue     ✔ Compliance     ✔* Writing Quality     ✔ DM Perspective     ✔ Player Perspective     ✔ Red Flags: (Q3 "Secrets" are not visible. However, I'm assuming they are behind a [SECRET] tag, which is perfectly reasonable.) Green Flags: Strong character portrait, efficient use of tables, highly personalized, comprehensive Overall Impression: This application paints Gwetchen as a complex, but very relatable character, and shows that the author is self-aware as well as both familiar with site resources and highly engaged. A Very Strong application. Notes: While the formatting is excellent, TT tags with paragraphs behind them can be a little inconvenient for later reference. I'd suggest including a [Spoilered] long form of the 7-Step Background, or privately offering to do so, if requested. [*] The Advertisement includes an Optional 8th "Step" to provide a comment about the other applicants. Engaging with these elements is not necessary, but can make the difference when selecting between two similar applications. (I'm assuming you either did this in secret, or didn't include it because you didn't actually apply for the game.)

[Lazer]

I like your rubric, Gaijin.

When you ask;

Does this structure seem like it would make it easier for less motivated members to participate in the process?

...are you talking about participating in giving feedback on applications? If so, I think it would be helpful, yes.

Would this level of feedback be constructive for the applicant?

Definitely. I think just knowing where your particular strengths and weaknesses lie would be very helpful for lots of people, and having specific tips or suggestions in the notes is fantastic.

Is this structure appropriate for improving applications across the full spectrum of games?

Having not played a particularly wide variety of games I can't say for sure, but it seems like it is general enough that it should do well (especially if the person requesting feedback has posted a link to the game ad).

I've been racking my brain trying to come up with something more that you could add, but I think you have covered everything.

[Kaigen]

This seems like a solid rubric to me as well. Having clear categories for feedback helps guide whoever is giving the critique to focus on specific aspects of the application rather than giving an overly general impression. The rubric is also system-agnostic enough that I don't think it would be a poor fit for any particular game I can think of.

My only suggestion is that the "DM Perspective" and "Player Perspective" categories might need more specific feedback than a general rating. Some of that would probably be addressed in the Green/Red Flags section, but if a player's application is lacking in one of those points, they will need clarification as to how (e.g. "From a DM Perspective, I can see how I would provide this character with incentives, but they don't seem aligned with the themes of the game.").

[HotsuSama]

Were you still testing/refining the rubric? Did you need more apps to bounce it against?