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Old Nov 12th, 2016, 04:38 AM
Gray0Ed Gray0Ed is offline
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Request for application review - Elieth Dhrovekk

Hi, I made my first application few days ago. Already got a feedback from might-have-been DM about it, though I’d gladly hear more.

I know it should have more complex background. Other very important thing I should focus on is my grammar. I’d be glad if you could you point out most obvious grammar and stylistic mistakes I made.

There is the link to application thread:
https://www.rpgcrossing.com/showthread.php?t=168463


My application:
 
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Old Nov 12th, 2016, 10:58 AM
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Background: Another ship, another port town to see and another tale to hear. Even though she was young, odd phrasingshe certainly gathered few of them already, always living on the go and searching for another exciting story, for more answers to many questions rising in her head.

poor phrasing. 17 of years?17 of years passed from the day her mother met the Men? she had multiple fathers?men who became her father before disappearing from their life forever. What waswere left were tales of his I have many stories of my father, but stories of "dexterity"? Ugly phrasingcrooked grin and dexterity. In her early days she would ask for information about her father phrasingtrying to figure out herself as she thought. As years passed and phrasingshe wasn’t getting much forward she Conflicting word tenses (another hobby, or other hobbies)found another hobbies entire sentence, odd phrasing/clause at the end.teaming up with local thieves and troublemakers, enjoying the thrill of a danger.

run on sentenceYet even those thrills couldn’t block the blow of her mothers’ death and as she found herself alone in the world she decided to strike higher than minor pranks in a small town. use semi-colon, or parse into two sentencesGrowing up in the port town left an obvious mark on Elieth, the hunger for adventure, change and never ending flow of information was too appealing to her now. She gathered what was left of her mothers’ money along with a note containing hers’ final words about Elieths’ father and after small funeral, catched the first ship she saw to travel far away.

From that day she was traveling from place to place, using her skill and intelligence to engage as a rogue in various jobs. incomplete sentence (no subject)Always on a bigger quest of searching information about possibly her only living family - never known father.

run on sentenceEven though in the past she wasn’t always clear with the law since she started her journey she tried to keep clean, wanting to not attract too much attention. Joining various companies she always kept her agenda first and above all.




Mechanical Background: She spent most her life passing from one merchant ship to another visiting various cities and slowly adapting to the life of a sailor. Her quest to find answer answers about her father pushed her to gather knowledge and seek informations in every possible place she got to traveled/went/sailed. (Sage and a bit of Sailor)





Appearance: Elieth is short and of stout builtbuild, her skin dusky and hair jet black though her eyes speak of a different tale being brilliant green. She’s dressed in light armor coexisting of dark heavy leather with thick linen trousers to match. All of her possessions scream of a journey and time that has obviously left its mark on them. The only things seeming to be taken well care of are two short swords crisscrossed on her back.


Personally, I think the first sentence is a run on sentence. Break it apart into two (you can do her general build and a specific feature, but not general and specific, specific, specific.. too much run on.

The word "coexisting" seems wrong in this context.

And, while your sentences do have a nice wordplay to them, something doesn't match up to me. For some reason I can't put my finger on, everything seems forced. It's as if you added a nice spice to a dish, but it was the wrong spice for the dish. Like adding Italian Seasoning to pancakes.

Also, you tend to weave a bit into past tense, then back to mostly present tense. Not an unpardonable sin, but a minor one here and there.
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  #3  
Old Nov 12th, 2016, 02:46 PM
Gray0Ed Gray0Ed is offline
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Wow, thank you for the deep feedback dirkoth! You're so helpful
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Old Nov 12th, 2016, 03:36 PM
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At a high level, I would say that the things I would do to fix this app are the following:
  • Say what you want to say. Don't spend five clever words talking around the fact you want to convey, just come out and say it. If the character's gear and clothing are worn out as if after a long journey, say it like that, rather than "all of her possessions scream of a journey and time that has obviously left its mark on them" which, while it means largely the same thing, but takes a lot longer for the reader to parse and interpret. Clever, "literary" word choice is best used sparingly.
  • Describe more with specific details, and leave less up to inferred reader assumptions. As an example, you mention that the character used "her skill and intelligence to engage as a rogue in various jobs" before the game, but you leave it to the reader to know what a "rogue" does, even though the jobs a mechanical rogue can do are various and contradictory. What sorts of jobs was she taking on? Heists? Cons? Standard adventuring fare, disarming traps in tombs? Work for a criminal syndicate? Espionage? scouting for an army? Banditry? Burglary? Murder for hire? In general, you shouldn't leave the reader to fill in gaps like this, you should fill them in yourself - a lot of GMs will pick up on that as a sign of weak characterization.
  • Keep a closer eye on your verb tenses; reading something that wanders between past and present tense as if there is no difference between them is not an enjoyable experience.
  • Do not start every section with the character's name or a pronoun. Vary your sentence and paragraph structure a bit. Repetition of structure makes the application read more like a powerpoint slide, but if you vary things, it will flow. This is a little thing, but a significant one - if a GM doesn't think your prose will be enjoyable to read over the long term, they probably won't accept you.
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Old Nov 13th, 2016, 08:01 AM
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Since the others have already pointed out improvements on the content, I'll go for presentation.

Because whether we admit it or not, First Impressions Last. A well-presented, well-formatted application goes a long way. If your application is untidy, the less patience the reader will have in going through it.

You've already started off with grouping the details in a logical manner - that's good. Now, we can work on placing the image somewhere that it doesn't break the flow of the text, and highlighting the name of the character, like below. Mind you, style is subjective, so feel free to disagree or absolutely hate my style.

 
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Old Nov 13th, 2016, 08:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachyco View Post
Mind you, style is subjective
Peachyco gives you good advice here. Some GMs don't like images, spoilerbuttons, colored or large fonts, or fieldsets in posts. Be on the watch to figure out what kind of GM you have. From my experience, however, most do like that sort of thing, so it is all worth paying attention to.

Last edited by RedRab; Nov 13th, 2016 at 08:40 AM.
  #7  
Old Nov 14th, 2016, 08:17 PM
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Everyone else has hit the grammar and presentation suggestions, so I'm going to go straight to character.

I like what you've got as far as it goes. However, you've not woven in your flaw into the background, either in terms of results of or the source. How has that flaw gotten you into trouble before, how has it deflected you from your goals? Your character seeks her father and knowledge, that is good, but as a GM I'd have a hard time seeing how it would tie you in to a group of adventurers. Why would you stick around when the going gets tough, what would compel the character to seek the hard path, fight through obstacles and overcome?
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Old Nov 21st, 2016, 02:39 PM
Gray0Ed Gray0Ed is offline
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Thank you dirkoth, Aeternis, Peachyco, RedRab and roninkelt!

I'm really glad for the pro tips, I'll use this thread as a base for my future applications.

Cheers
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Old Nov 21st, 2016, 03:18 PM
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