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Adrik Ironstone: Application Review
Name: Adrik Ironstone Race: Hill Dwarf Class: Cleric Role: Healer / Relentless Conqueror of Evil Description: Adrik was a dwarf of middling build with lively blue eyes and a thick mass of brown hair. Adrik had a comely face that was almost completely covered by a great bushy brown beard. He was dressed in well-worn scale mail that was but was well maintained have recently been scrubbed with sand to make it shine through the darkness. His wiry athletic, well muscled body was covered in scars from numerous close encounters of the violent kind. The tattoo on his forearm of the serpent and the hammer was popular among the soldiers of the elite Irondrake regiment. He also wore a gold amulet round his neck with the image of the sun and the mountain to show he was a disciple of Moradin the father of the Dwarven race and the favoured deity of healers. History: Adrik served for 10 years as a healer with the Irondrakes the elite dwarfish army until the battle of Azurbar when the unit was over-run by Orcs. Adrik was one of the few survivors but after this no longer considered himself worthy to fight in the elite armed forces of Durin the great Dwarven King and has since become an adventurer. Goal: Adrik still holds a deep hatred of Orc's and the forces of evil and will always seek vengeance for the destruction of his unit. His career in the army has made him a dwarf who prefers the direct approach. However as a healer he will do everything in his power to help those who he is allied with. Struggle: Adrik has never fully recovered from the defeat of his unit by the Orc’s and can become irrational in his desire to seek retribution for what he perceives as failure to perform and stand by his comrades at the crucial element. This combined with his role as a healer can lead him to being either rash or indecisive at crucial moments. What I want to get out of the game: I am newbie in this game and would like to get some experience of PBP. I also like the story with the idea of adventurers going to help out the city. I like the idea of the adventure including some hard choices as well as combat.
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Eourl Thorson I have taken the Oath of Sangus Have returned from annual leave just catching up! |
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New Here? Try a New Player Solo Game Systems available: 3.5e, PF, 4e, 5e, 13th age, CoC, DnD, FATE and Traveler. Will you swear it? Take the Oath Here. 6/22/22: New Status Update Here Last edited by Digorig; May 12th, 2017 at 05:18 PM. |
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Hi Digorig
Many thanks for the feedback - I new I should have listened more in those english lessons!
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Eourl Thorson I have taken the Oath of Sangus Have returned from annual leave just catching up! |
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Adrik peered over the battlements from the small Dwarvendwarven hill fort of Baldur’s Neck. It was dusk and soon his watch would end with the closing of the gate for the nightIt was dusk and the fort gate would be shut for the night in but a short while which was when his watch would end. There had been rumorsrumours that the rogue Dwarf Balu Rockseeker was still raiding outposts of the Ironstone Clan over the long running dispute on the precious mining rights to the Red Hill mines.
Suddenly there was thea sound of hooves and Adrik could make out the silhouette of a horseman coming from theout of forest to the East. Should be part of last paragraphIt was not long until the silhouette took shape as a tall older human in a long black cloak with a wizard'swizards staff. If it's "reasonable" then it's not "very hard" - RewordAdrik noticed he seemed to be driving the horse very hard, not yet a full gallop but certainly at a reasonable canter. Then Adrik heard the chilling howls more than one? Dire Wolvesof the direwolf. thoughts are not in quotes“What could this mean?” he thought to himself. The old wizard seemed to be urging his horse up to a gallop he was now about 300 yds clear of the forest You could see he was a "tall older human in a long black cloak" at dusk a half mile away? Those are some eyes.and about half a mile from the fort. Adrik quickly struck the bell with continuous long notes callingcall the fort to arms Makes no sense here - does not go with the paragraphThe fort at Baldur’s neck was small with a garrison of some 20 Dwarfs, its purpose to protect the road from raiders.
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New Here? Try a New Player Solo Game Systems available: 3.5e, PF, 4e, 5e, 13th age, CoC, DnD, FATE and Traveler. Will you swear it? Take the Oath Here. 6/22/22: New Status Update Here |
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Almost falling off his horse the wizard came through the gates.The wizard nearling falling of his horse came through the gates He was clearlyclearly in a bad way from the two orc arrows that had hit him. They had probably been poisoned but death was cheatedwas to cheated of this life as Adrik descended from the platformfighting step and cast a spell.said Put in a TT tag or a new line."Moradin, this human fights for the true cause against the orcs, indulge your humble servant so that he might fight another day" The wizard was healed and Adrikspoke said to him with a smile on his face. It must be your lucky day"Your lucky day Mr. Wizard, I justWizard I just saved your life twice."twice"
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New Here? Try a New Player Solo Game Systems available: 3.5e, PF, 4e, 5e, 13th age, CoC, DnD, FATE and Traveler. Will you swear it? Take the Oath Here. 6/22/22: New Status Update Here |
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As-is, I don't think I would accept this application. There are two things that you need to prove to most GMs when drafting an application:
Digorig has opened his sack of spare commas to help you out somewhat with this last, but you'll note that most of my concerns are also sentence structure and low-level nits to pick. Obviously some GMs care about this more than others, but better writing can only help your chances.
I'm going to stop there, because there's a lot more even more detailed work that would help this application, but it looks like Digorig is a lot faster at reviewing these than I am, and he got most of the low-level improvements.
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Adjusting to relocation and new job. I appreciate your patience.
--[ A Guide to Applications ]-- Last edited by Aeternis; May 12th, 2017 at 07:02 PM. |
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Hi Aeternis
Thank you for your feedback. I am so pleased you can get your application checked out here first. Looks like I need to do a lot more work on it.
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Eourl Thorson I have taken the Oath of Sangus Have returned from annual leave just catching up! |
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As everybody beat me to the grammar nitpicks, I'm going to limit my comments to the character part of this. However, to be clear, I agree with both Aeternis and Digorig about the issues they brought up.
This character has potential, but doesn't really feel three dimensional. You've touched on many surface aspects of the character, but very little that reveals deeper character. Adrik hates orcs and is a former military healer. What drove him to become a military healer in the first place? How passionately does he hate orcs? Your struggle is a bit mealy mouthed in that it isn't concrete - Adrik sometimes becomes irrational, indecisive or rash. When? Why? What drives him with a burning passion? Why would Adrik give up the military life he loved to become a lone adventurer? I'd think that a better sentiment would be - Adrik can't help himself, when orcs are about he sees red and slays them with reckless abandon. At least the GM now knows what to expect - dangle an orc in front of Adrik and he'll try to kill it. I have an exercise that I do to get a hand on characters. Come up with a list of seven values and rank them in order. When making character decisions, consider this list. Your roleplay sample should be a more in depth than a simple statement of events, put some inner thought into it, come up with a situation that presents a dilemma and show how Adrik resolves it. Following these suggestions and the ones above, your application will jump off the page. Good luck and I hope to see your latest version here soon.
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#9
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I have decided to break this into smaller sections. I am working on a better RP example but here is hopefully a better background.
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Eourl Thorson I have taken the Oath of Sangus Have returned from annual leave just catching up! Last edited by Eourl Thorson; May 17th, 2017 at 01:17 PM. |
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Here is my new role playing section.
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Eourl Thorson I have taken the Oath of Sangus Have returned from annual leave just catching up! |
#11
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You've fixed most of the grammatical errors, but still tend to capitalize unnecessarily. Orc is only capitalized when it is a proper noun or at the beginning of a sentence.
The plural of dwarf is dwarves. Spell check will tell you it's wrong, but it's not. It is convention to put punctuation inside quote marks when it terminates a sentence. Also when a new character speaks, it's typically a new paragraph. In regards to your roleplay sample, what is illustrated about your character? Is there a dilemma somewhere in there? Other than a brief mention of orcs, there are no internally motivated actions, only straightforward reaction.
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Shey turned and looked at the dwarf "Can we just get on with it?" Shey asked. If this sentence was intended to be one as it was written, then the use of Shey twice is redundant: Shey turned, looked at the dwarf and asked, "Can we get on with it?" If this sentence was intended to be multiple sentences, you'll need a period in there: Shey turned and looked at the dwarf. "Can we get on with it?", she asked. Overuse of noun capitalization will be overlooked by many prospective GMs. Punctuation, however, is a pet peeve to many people and so will get you on the not invited list more often. English is an analytic (uninflected) language. It's more about syntax rather than morphology: For me to kill her guardsman would be a bad idea. It would be a bad idea for me to kill her guardsman. The two sentences don't convey the exact same message. You should always reread your posts before sending them. If you think any of your sentences can be interpreted in multiple ways, try writing it in multiple different ways and then choose the one that best conveys what you really mean. I'm a sloppy typist. Many of my errors should be easily correctable as they're typos or misspellings rather than usage or syntax. However, usage and syntax error will invariably creep in when I'm not fastidious about it. Don't sweat it. Practice your grammar and try to be clear and concise. Why concise- glad you asked. Flowery and long-winded text requires more precision to get the grammar correct than concise sentences do. Seriously, would you rather labor thru reading Stephen Crane's 35 word sentences rather than Hemingway's 4 or 5 words to describe the same thing. In the Red Badge of Courage there is a whole paragraph that takes up a page that conveys the meaning: the sky was red and cloudy. Of all the travesties perpetuated on me by the educational system, I am most scarred by Crane and Melville. (Some people like them. YMMV) In any event, have fun on the boards. That's the most important thing. <My pet peeve about myself is the over-usage of, "In any event.."> Last edited by PraetorGradivus; Jun 15th, 2017 at 03:52 AM. |
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