This will be my third application on this site, the second to the same GM, and I was looking to make a good impression. The deadline is in two and a half weeks so I have a little time to make any suggested improvements.
Thank you all for your time!
NAME: Ludwig Fuchs SEX: Male AGE: 18 SKIN COLOR: Fair EYE COLOR: Blue HAIR COLOR: Blond BUILD: Muscular DOMINANT HAND: Left TATTOOS: None
Background: Soldier CLASS: Fighter, two handed archetype
__________________
I may be gone, but the shadow community lives on!
From what I can see this application is in pretty good shape. I'd add some more to the personality section, but I define character personality very differently than does the GM of this game. My suggestion is to build from the foundation up - starting with motives and values, building through to desires and ending up with outer persona.
Not sure I can offer much more, this game is outside what I'd be willing to play.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and the application page. I'd figured the lack of response meant it was at least decent on the technical front.
I've received a lot of feedback saying to show not tell. I tried to work all the application criteria into the background story. Perhaps I'll wrote another little story detailing his hopes/aspirations and what he's willing to do to reach them. I definitely have the time to do so.
Thanks again!
__________________
I may be gone, but the shadow community lives on!
Disclaimer: There is no way I can review this application without seeming to be excessively harsh. If I thought any less stern a tone would properly demonstrate why I think this application is doomed, I would use it. Keep in mind as you read further that it is meant as an instructive - and hopefully constructive - commentary on where this application is, as far as I can tell, not going to be acceptable for most games.
__________________
Adjusting to relocation and new job. I appreciate your patience. --[A Guide to Applications]--
Last edited by Aeternis; Sep 17th, 2017 at 09:24 PM.
First, thank you for that. It's obvious that you spent some time on your reply. The fact that what you said bothered me only further proves your point. He exists only to stroke ego. It wasn't intentional but that doesn't make any better.
I think my best bet will be to start over again. I haven't asked the GM to look over it yet, but I have no doubt they've read it already. I'll read what you wrote a few more times and try over again. Being perfect is the goal. There is no need to go on an adventure if he's already there.
I'll post the revisions here when I get them written!
I've downloaded some grammar checking software, but obviously it's not up to snuff. May I ask what software you use, or what you suggest I use?
__________________
I may be gone, but the shadow community lives on!
I've downloaded some grammar checking software, but obviously it's not up to snuff. May I ask what software you use, or what you suggest I use?
I don't use grammar software. My browser handles spell-checking, but the grammar problems usually stand out to me on re-reading. Microsoft Word will put green and blue underlines under any grammar problems it detects (similar products do the same thing and don't require a license to be purchased), but I compose most of my posts directly inline, and do a few manual proof-reading passes before I submit. It's not a perfect system, but it keeps typos and errors to a manageable level.
Quote:
It wasn't intentional but that doesn't make any better.
It almost never is intentional, and it can be difficult to see until it's pointed out by someone else. The line between awesome character and too-awesome character can be very fuzzy unless you're standing at an objective distance - that's a major reason why the Player Support section exists.
__________________
Adjusting to relocation and new job. I appreciate your patience. --[A Guide to Applications]--
Last edited by Aeternis; Sep 17th, 2017 at 10:24 PM.
Ah well I have no background in writing and my last grammar lesson was in highschool 15+ years ago. I did read over my entry several times. I caught a few mistakes, didn't know how to fix others, and obviously missed many more all together.
Are there any posts or lecture here on the subject? Any outside sources you recommend? Or is this just one of those things that comes with time?
__________________
I may be gone, but the shadow community lives on!
It's just something that comes with constant practice, in my case. Teading content which is properly edited seems to help - even if it's just a daily blog post or a few pages of an adventure novel every night. Formal schooling on the subject is (at least in my experience) just a good way of making correct grammar seem like an arbitrary, imposed hardship rather than a reasonable step to make it easier to read what you're writing.
There might be something in the Writers' Block section in The Library that you could enroll in, but I don't know the full details of the offerings there very well.
__________________
Adjusting to relocation and new job. I appreciate your patience. --[A Guide to Applications]--
On the grammar note, it can be helpful if you can find someone to volunteer to read your writing, edit the mistakes with clear notation so you can find them, and with practice, you tend to start to find them yourself.
I am very guilty of my general ooc posts rambling, as I type how I speak, but on character posts, I write quite differently. It is habit as much as practice, and just takes a bit of time.