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  #1  
Old Feb 6th, 2020, 01:44 AM
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Critique My Character Application!

Hi all,

I'm starting this thread as a place for players to post their character applications and obtain critiques on them from other RPG Crossing members.
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Last edited by Telcontar; Feb 6th, 2020 at 01:54 AM.
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Old Feb 6th, 2020, 06:38 AM
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Please do critique away. I have no delusions that there are no improvement that could be made. I appreciate you taking the time to do so!
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Character Name: Keridan Gladewarder
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Race: Wood Elf
Class: Ranger
Background: Outlander
Personality 1: I have a lesson for every situation, drawn from observing nature.
Personality 2: I once ran twenty-five miles without stopping to warn my clan of an approaching ore horde. I 'd do it again if I had to.
Ideals1: Change. Life is like the seasons, in constant change, and we must change with it.
Ideals2:Greater Good. It is each person's responsibility to make the most happiness for the whole tribe.
Bonds: My family, clan, or tribe is the most important thing in my life, even when they are far from me.
Flaws: I am slow to trust members of other races, tribes, and societies.
Alignment: Not included, as requested.

Appearance: Keridan stands 5'11" and is sinewy and wiry of build. His somewhat handsome face has grey-green eyes, whom looks at the world with a determined stare. His tawny colored hair falls halfway down his back. A good portion of it in a fighting braid that helps to keep the rest of it out of his eyes, at inopportune moments. He is dressed in finely green dyed tanned deerskin clothing, leather armor and light boots(moccasins). With a green woolen hooded cloak. With a Longbow in left hand and a quiver of arrows over his shoulder, along with a backpack. Belted at his waist is a plain but serviceable longsword in it's scabbard. Along with a hand axe and a large sheathed hunting knife. With a circular shield attached to his backpack, across his back. Which can be swiftly detached to use with his longsword in hand to hand combat. That is if any foe still living can get close enough to do so!

Personality: The Wood Elf is the quiet observant type. Usually only speaking if he has something worth saying. Not just to fill the silence. Though he can be assertive, when the situation calls for such. Once in awhile, when he is with those he likes and in a festive situation. He'll let his hair down a bit, so to speak.

Backstory: Keridan was unjustly exiled for ten years from his Wood Elf Clan and the eight other interrelated and allied semi-nomadic Wood Elf Clans. Who's held sway over the distant great forest of Waesfaren, in which they dwelt. He had been framed for a crime he did not commit. By Gerin, their Clan Chieftain's second eldest son and his boot licking lackeys. The crime that he said to have commited was stealing the Clan's High Shaman's sacred necklace from around his neck while he slept. Then having done so, hide it among there own belongings to be easily found during a search of them? It is so obvious this was done because Valayvia, the fairest maiden of the Clan had chosen Keridan over Gerin, as her suitor. Gerin did not take the rejection very well and sought revenge. After a swift trail, guilty verdict and sentencing. Valayvia, said she would await Keridan return, even though her parents said that they would never allow her to marry someone such as him, if he ever returned. Ten years is a long time to wait, even for we Elves. The Wood Elf Ranger did the chivalrous thing and released her of any vow she did make him.
Upon leaving his forested home, he swore an oath to himself, that when he did return. He would do so having garnered much glory and riches during his exile. As he wandered, looking for a new purpose for his life. He hunted and snared game animals in the woodlands that he pasted through. Selling what extra game, along with animal skins and furs in the small settlements he came across along the way. It was in one such settlement that he spotted a tacked up notice. (See up above.) After which he headed straight to Westport to see if he could make a place for himself in Duke Pelaios's Expeditionary Force.

Last edited by Valornor; Feb 6th, 2020 at 06:46 AM.
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Old Feb 7th, 2020, 06:00 AM
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Keridan Gladewarder review
Ideals 2: You only need 1 ideal, but if you choose to use a second one, go ahead I guess

Appearance: Standing at 5'11" Keridan is one of a sinewy, wiry build. Greyish-green eyes peer past his chiseled face, staring down the world with a will of determination. His tawny colored hair cascades down his back, like a tangled copper waterfall; the unruliness kept in check only by a long braid, that helps to keep it from his eyes at inopportune moments. Keridan dresses in soft deerskin clothing; tanned, and dyed green like the foliage of his woodland home. A hooded green cloak, made from lambswool, a supple leather jerkin, and moccasins complete his attire. Comfort, and practicality, being more important to him than rigid observances to the trends of the rich city dwellers, or the gaudy Dwarves.

Normally you wouldn't include descriptions of your weapons and shield in your character's appearance, but I have worked it in just in case you really want it

A Longbow, and a quiver of arrows is slung over his shoulder, along with a shield strapped haphazardly to his backpack. Many belts wrap around his waist, holding a serviceable longsword, a handaxe, and a large hunting knife all within reach.


Personality: The Wood Elf is the quiet observant type. Usually only speaking if he has something worth saying, and not just to fill an awkward silence. Keridan can be assertive, when the situation calls for such action. Though occasionally he will let his hair down so to speak, when he is in good company, and enjoying himself.

Backstory: You had too many concurrent plot ideas going on here at once, it was a little messy and confusing, so i've done my best to streamline them

Keridan is in exile. Forced to remain apart for ten years from not only his Wood Elf Clan, but also from the eight other semi-nomadic Elvish Clans. Who hold sway over the distant great forests(?) of Waesfaren. Keridan was framed; accused of stealing the sacred necklace worn by his Clan's High Shaman while he slept. Then, apparently having done so, decided to hide it amongst his own belongings. It was so easily found during a search, that it was obviously a plant. Keridan suspected it to have been done by Gerin, the second eldest son of the Chief, in retribution for spurned love. Fair Valayvia was the finest of all maidens in the Clan, and she had chosen Keridan as her suitor. As Gerin did not take to rejection very well, he had sought his revenge, and it had worked beautifully. After a swift trial, the guilty verdict was delivered, and Keridan's sentence announced. Lovingly, Valayvia, said she would await Keridan's return, even as her parents declared that they would never allow her to marry someone such as him. Ten years is a long time to wait, however, even for the long lived Elves. So Keridan decided to do the chivalrous thing, and released her of any vows she had made him. Upon leaving his forest home, Keridan swore an oath to himself. That when he did return, he would have done so having gained enough glory and riches during his exile, that Valayvia's parents would change their minds. As he wandered, looking for a new purpose for his life, he hunted and snared game animals in the woodlands that he pasted through. Selling what pelts, and furs, he could to the small settlements he came across along the way. It was in one such settlement, that he spotted a notice. (See up above.) Which gave him a direction as to how to accomplish his goals. He headed straight to Westport, to see if he could find a place for himself in Duke Pelaios's Expeditionary Force.


Last edited by Alemar; Feb 7th, 2020 at 06:00 AM.
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Old Feb 8th, 2020, 12:03 AM
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Thank's Alemar, that was very helpful. I will take what you have said into consideration.
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Old Feb 9th, 2020, 09:56 AM
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I have decided to leave my application as it is. Though in the future, when I'm likely to use this Character Concept again to apply to play in a game. I may well use some of the changes you suggested. Thank's again Alemar
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Old Feb 10th, 2020, 01:14 AM
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Character Name: Zumric

Age: 25

Race: High Elf

Class: Warlock

Background: Sailor (Variant Pirate) I like a job well done, especially if I can convince someone else to do it. I never pass up a friendly wager. Aspiration. Someday I'll own my own ship and chart my own destiny. I was cheated out of my fair share of the profits, and I want to get my due. Once I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop.

Appearance: He is blond with steely gray-blue eyes.

He looks kind of like this.

Personality: Zumric is a fairly quiet person who keeps to himself and tries not to get attached to people. When he does make friends he is loyal to them unless they show that they aren't trustworthy. He has a strong hatred of Dwarves that he tries to keep concealed but it shows itself fairly often simply because he showed a clear distrust, suspicion, and anger towards them.

Backstory: Zumric was raised by a crew of Pirates from when he was seven. He has few memories of how he got there, all he knows is what the Captain told him. He was told that his parents were merchants that were killed when they were attacked by the crew. They would have killed Zumric if the Captain hadn't intervened on his behalf. The Captain then took Zumric under his wing and raised him as his own, teaching all he knew and encouraging him to become as great as he could be.
Zumric followed in the Captain's footsteps by becoming a pirate just like him. They were doing very well for themselves, they had anything they could want when disaster struck. The crew led by the Dwarfish second mate, Gralvor, a mutiny against the Captain killing him and all the other loyal crew members. They threw Zumric in the ocean for dead. Zumric was full of anger and as his life was slipping he made a pact with an otherworldly bean. The bean would save him and give him the strength to defeat his enemies and gain massive treasures in return for bringing the bean back to his former glory. Zumric has no idea who this bean is, he just knows that he will occasionally hear his voice in his head. After his vengeance, he simply wants to leave the oceans he formerly inhabited alone and settle down on his own farmhouse.


Can I get some reviews of this please and thank you.
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Old Feb 13th, 2020, 07:07 PM
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Zumric reviewCharacter Name: Zumric
Age: 25
Race: High Elf
Class: Warlock

Background: Sailor (Variant Pirate) Pirate Warlock...interesting concept I like a job well done, especially if I can convince someone else to do it. I never pass up a friendly wager. Aspiration. Someday I'll own my own ship and chart my own destiny. I was cheated out of my fair share of the profits, and I want to get my due. Once I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop.

Appearance: He is blond with steely gray-blue eyes. Nothing on his build, length or style of hair, just seems a bit bare bones to me

He looks kind of like this. Picture is in the main thread, didn't see it at first

Personality: Zumric is a fairly quiet person who tends to keep to himself, and tries not to get too attached to people. When he does make friends, however, he is loyal to them until they show that they aren't trustworthy. He has a strong hatred of Dwarves, which he tries to keep concealed. But this mistrust shows itself fairly often, in his acts of suspicion, and outright hostility towards them. Considering there are quite a few Dwarven applicants in this game, that might become an issue...just saying

Backstory: Zumric was raised by a crew of Pirates from the age of seven, and he has precious few memories of how he got there. All he knows, is what his Captain told him. That his parents were merchants, and that they were killed, when they were attacked by the crew. The crew would have killed Zumric as well, if the Captain hadn't intervened when he did. The Captain (Does the captain have a name?) then took Zumric under his wing, and raised him as his own. Teaching all he knew to the young boy, and encouraging him to become as great as the Captain himself. Zumric followed in the Captain's footsteps, by becoming a pirate just like him.

They were doing very well for themselves; they could have had anything they ever wanted, when disaster struck. The deceitful second mate, a Dwarf named Gralvor, lead a mutiny against the Captain; killing him, and all of the other loyal crew members. Then, he threw Zumric into the ocean, sailing away, and leaving the Elf for dead. Zumric was filled with anger, and as his life was slipping he made a pact with an otherworldly being.(Unless he actually made a pact with a bean?) This being would save him, give him the strength needed to defeat his enemies, and grant both wealth, and powers, beyond measure. In return, Zumric would bring the being back to His former glory. Zumric has no idea who, or what, this being is. He just knows that he will occasionally hear it's voice in his head. After his vengeance is completed, Zumric simply wants to leave the oceans behind, and settle down with his own farmhouse. In your Background you chose Aspiration:Someday I'll own my own ship and chart my own destiny. which kind of goes against this ending

Last edited by Alemar; Feb 13th, 2020 at 08:37 PM.
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Old Feb 14th, 2020, 05:14 PM
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Character Name: Blythe Skenny
Age: 19
Race: Tiefling
Class: Paladin (Trithereon)
Background: Urchin
Traits: I ask a lot of questions, I bluntly say what people are hinting at or hiding.
Ideal: All people rich and poor, deserve respect.
Bond: No one else should have to endure the hardships I've been through.
Flaw: People who can't take care of themselves get what they deserve.
Appearance: Blythe is tall and noticeably handsome. He carries himself with confidence and drive. His dark red skin and curved ram-like horns make him stand out in a crowd.
Personality: Blythe is a tiefling who is overwhelmingly comfortable in his own skin. He has no shame and doesn't think anyone else should feel shame either. He is always the loudest voice in a crowd but also the most reasonable.
Backstory: After a rough childhood on the streets alone, Blythe served 6 years as an accessory for murder. In prison, Blythe was taken under the wing of a particularly sentimental inmate who educated him and introduced him to religion. When his mentor died from illness, Blythe took his name in order to honor him. After a year of soul searching after the loss of his mentor, Blythe found Trithereon. Not just a god worth following, but one who spoke to him directly. Blythe emerged from prison with a new goal; To go on a pilgrimage of liberty to connect more strongly with Trithereon. As luck would have it Blythe could think of nothing as free as a whole new world.
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Old Feb 15th, 2020, 12:13 AM
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Blythe Skenny Review
Really nice app, only a few small questions/changes I'd suggest here...
Character Name: Blythe Skenny
Age: 19
Race: Tiefling
Class: Paladin (Trithereon)

Background: Urchin Interesting choice rather than criminal, since he has spent such a large amount of his life in prison (and you didn't say he was wrongly accused)
Traits: I ask a lot of questions, I bluntly say what people are hinting at or hiding.
Ideal: All people rich and poor, deserve respect.
Bond: No one else should have to endure the hardships I've been through.
Flaw: People who can't take care of themselves get what they deserve.

Appearance: Blythe is tall, and noticeably handsome. He carries himself with an air of confidence, and particular determination. His dark red skin, and curved ram-like horns, make him stand out in a crowd.

Personality: Blythe is a tiefling who is overwhelmingly comfortable in his own skin. He has no shame and doesn't think anyone else should feel shame either. He is always the loudest voice in a crowd but also the most reasonable.

Backstory: After a rough childhood on the streets alone, Blythe served 6 years in prison for accessory to murder. If he was alone, who did he accessorize for? Does he know who the victim, or the killer was? While in prison, Blythe was taken under the wing of a particularly sentimental inmate, who educated him, and introduced him to religion. Was there a specific religion that Blythe Sr. introduced Blythe Jr. to? When his mentor died from illness, Blythe took his name in order to honor, and remember him. After a year of soul searching from the loss of his mentor, Blythe found Trithereon. Not just a god worth following, but one who spoke to him directly. When Blythe eventually emerged from prison, it was with a new goal. To go on a pilgrimage in hopes of connecting more strongly with Trithereon. And as luck would have it; Blythe could think of nothing more freeing than a whole new world to explore.
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Old Feb 15th, 2020, 03:37 AM
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Thank you so much for your input, I have put it into effect.
Let me explain myself a bit.
I won't lie, the power-gaming side of me took hold when deciding what background to pick. I was deciding between criminal and urchin and the Criminal contact feature of the criminal background feels entirely useless if the character moves to a new (potentially uninhabited) continent. I think it's important to clarify that the background was the first decision I made, and I built his backstory around that decision.

The crime he was convicted for was that he was paid handsomely (for an urchin) to position himself outside a high profile store and keep track of all the people who went in and out. He wasn't aware that the people he identified were in any danger until the city guard arrived to arrest him. (5 dead, 4 wounded, 9,000gp stolen)

When it comes to his personality it's important (to me, at this moment) that his attitude is built around complete self-confidence bordering on vanity.

What I meant to convey by the "taking the name" was that Blythe had no last name and took the name Skenny.
Mr. Skenny educated Blythe out of complete illiteracy (by teaching him to read, write, and speak properly) and introduced him to the concept of religion which Blythe had never even conceived of until that point. When it comes to the language around him being released; Blythe got out of prison years early due to good behavior. His release was sudden and without warning.

I also described the new world as "free" because one of the domains of Trithereon is liberty. Which Blythe intends to encourage and enforce.

All the backstory I didn't include I decided was not relevant but I could be wrong.
Again thank you for your help, I am always happy to improve

 
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Old Feb 15th, 2020, 05:58 PM
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updated app looks great to me fancyjellyfish
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Old Mar 2nd, 2020, 03:30 AM
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This fellow didn't make it into the game he was designed for, so I thought I'd post him here for some general feedback. He's designed for an Eberron setting.

ElwinName: Elwin Sunbrook
Race: Stout Halfling
Class: Cleric of Knowledge (Aureon)
Background: Noble
Trait 1: I love a good party!
Trait 2: I'm no fighter in my blood - it's always better to learn the ropes before you start trying to cut them.
Ideal: Independence: I want the freedom to seek my own truths and find my own path.
Bond: I've lived in a world where bonds are complicated and toxic - I've learned it's most important to watch my own back.
Flaw: I often say things I later regret, especially after a few pints.

Backstory and Goals: The Sunbrook family, despite not being associated with a Dragonmarked House, has held sway in Trolanport for generations; although their halfling heritage prevents them from participating in the gnomish government of Zilargo directly, they often get their way through patronage, bribery and favours.

Elwin is the black sheep of the family. A notable alcoholic and insatiable gossip, he managed to both bring shame and embarrassment to his family, and position himself as a valuable wellspring of knowledge, both local and specialised. Already educated and quick-witted, Elwin quickly proclaimed himself a 'chum of Aureon' as a kind of moniker; he was surprised when, in dreams and visions, Aureon seemed to actually take notice. Elwin is an outlier when it comes to Aureon's attention - if it even is the true Aureon that the halfling is hearing in his visions - considering the halfling's comparatively loose regard of law and order. But he sought to become more methodical in his acquisition of knowledge and keep the favour he wasn't sure he yet deserved.

He established a network of informants with family coin, selling information to the highest bidder and keeping the profits for himself. His father and family patriarch, Ollin Sunbrook, fancied himself a pragmatist and accepted the loss for as long as he had his son under control and got the juiciest gossip for himself.

Eventually, the political and mercantile reach of the Sunbrooks waned, unable to keep themselves relevant amidst the constant pressure of the Last War. The family suspects foul play: the Sunbrooks hadn't previously been huge on commandeering their own large-scale information networks, just the odd informant and loudmouthed friend, so they'd been left alone. Elwin put them on the radar, and Ollin suspects the secretive Trust responded by dismantling his family's influence, leaving them discredited and toothless. Elwin found himself cut off promptly as the family purse drew shut, and Ollin finally decided his son was more a liability than an asset. He was conscripted into weapon delivery and escort for Zilargo, a dangerous task which taught Elwin a little about not getting killed at the first sign of trouble. It also whet his appetite for more adventure.

When the war ended, Elwin had no desire to reattach himself to his family and arranged to stay in Wroat as a 'liaison' to the Brelish court. The Zilargo Triumvirate officially recognised his request, albeit stopping short of calling him an official ambassador, and paired him with an 'indentured' diplomat, Uyvid Ejorna of House Sivis - splitting the difference to keep a proper gnomish voice in court while utilising Elwin's skills. Elwin and Uyvid didn't get along, and Elwin started to keep his distance, sensing that Uyvid wouldn't hesitate in making him a scapegoat if any diplomacy went sour. Elwin's penchant for gathering information also put him in the sights of Elluviel, a half-elf from House Medani. The two have developed a friendly rivalry, although Elluviel is explicit about how their friendly competition will turn deadly if the halfling ever interferes with Medani business.

With the high fever of the war ebbing in an era of peacetime and restoration, Elwin has found he can move around with impunity - his family cares little of his activities as long as they don't bring scandal or expense, and Uyvid is happy to not see Elwin in the Brelish court. Aureon hasn't abandoned him yet, and it's a big world with many mysteries - since leaving Trolanport and coming under Elluviel's influence he's found tavern gossip to be predictable and menial. So he's travelled to Sharn to commit full-time to adventuring, hoping to see more of the continent and come to terms with how little he really knows of the world.
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Old Mar 2nd, 2020, 05:03 AM
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Hi HotsuSama!

I'm going to bite on this one. I actually don't think there's anything particularly wrong with this character. But I went back and had a look at the game advertisement, and I've got ideas how you might have caught the GMs attention more in this specific case.

Please note, I'm not a believer in objective critiques. The following is very subjective. It may or may not strike a chord with you. If it doesn't, that's perfectly okay.

1. Matching the tone of the application to the tone of the game.
In his game advertisement, Unko Talok intimated that the game would have a dark, Lovecraftian tone. The application you made was well-written, but the tone was light and matter-of-fact. In that sense, it felt a little generic, like it could've done service in any Eberron-based game. I'm not suggesting changing any of the specific details of the character. But I think if you'd made the tone of the backstory darker, the character might have felt more tailored to this game, and it might have caught Unko Talok's attention a bit more firmly.

2. I think one of the most interesting aspects of the character was glossed over a little - the fact that he was so atypical a member of the Sunbrook family. Why was he so different? I think I would've had a specific incident, in Elwin's youth, that turned him into the 'black sheep'. And then I would've given a couple of details showing that this put him at odds with his family. And then, only then, have him turn to worship of Aureon. This, to me, is the defining moment that sets the character up.

3. By comparison, I don't think the remainder of the background is as interesting. It's kind of 'and then he did this thing'. There's nothing wrong with that, per se. But it ends up overshadowing what I thought was the more interesting bit at the beginning. I would just build up the earlier bits (black sheep, turns to worship of Aureon) and trim back the later business/political stuff.
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Last edited by Telcontar; Mar 2nd, 2020 at 05:20 AM.
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Old Mar 2nd, 2020, 05:55 AM
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Hi Tel! I'm no stranger to feedback, so no need to pull punches. You got me thinking about it, so some responses based on yours:

1. Matching the tone of the application to the tone of the game.

That's fair; I did intend that this would be a character starting off jovial and naive, with room to let that eldritch knowledge effect his cheery disposition more deeply - someone keen to learn the secrets of the world and is horrified by what he finds. But I didn't convey that possibility or intended direction very well, which likely hurt the pitch.

2. I think one of the most interesting aspects of the character was glossed over a little - the fact that he was so atypical a member of the Sunbrook family.

I'll admit, I'm a little skeptical that spending more time on the Sunbrook family would have been beneficial. Sometimes a misanthrope is just a misanthrope, and going into the early nitty-gritty might have been over-explaining? But I think I see what you're getting at in that it would help give more context and weight to following Aureon, which I'll admit is a less developed part of Elwin. What's supposed to be an important element of a cleric's backstory is maybe too much a footnote.

3. By comparison, I don't think the remainder of the background is as interesting.


This might be a symptom of me trying to a) set up multiple potential NPC connections as per the application suggestion, and being too artificial about it, and b) trying to boost my knowledge of Eberron as I went along, as it's not a setting I've directly played in before and I needed to fill in some gaps as I developed Elwin.

With that prod, I'm thinking instead that the problem is how insubstantial the political stuff is. He gets enmeshed in gnomish, Dragonmarked House and Wroat intrigue, but is able to walk away from it because 'right, he needs to be in Sharn'.
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  #15  
Old Sep 1st, 2021, 12:23 PM
Oliverjsn Oliverjsn is offline
Very Young Dragon
 
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Oliverjsn
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Hexblade Warforge Warlock (Horror)

I have had this character in mind for a while and have been wanting to share/actually use.

High theme: Horror, Reverse Pinocchio

Name: Galleon
Gender: None (Once Male)
Race: Warforge
Class: Hexblade Warlock

Description: An old wooden mannequin with yellow glowing eyes. The wood is a rich ebony in color. Steel pieces seem bound to various parts of the body. While initially human in appearance closer inspection the mannequin has multiple extra joints. Galleon keeps his face obscured by a veil. The face of the creature is disturbing as on second and third glance its carved features seem to have changed. The one constant feature is its mouth which has broken, obsidian teeth.

Alignment NG but as Galleon loses his identity he moves to CN

Galleon was raised to follow his own moral compass: work hard, service to the community and your family. When first falling under the curse he still felt like himself but as time passed ITS (and the others) seem to be merging into his identity.

Goals
To separate himself from the growing voices and stay himself.
To remove the curse and return to his family.

Background
A simple steel dagger was laid on the clerkís desk by an elderly human lady. Galleon was a down on his luck 30 something human. After years of hard physical labor, he had finally secured a desk job at a merchantís outpost. The job did not pay well but apart from occasionally offloading goods from wagons it was not physical. Galleon, his wife and two teenage children were living in the back of the store. Dwarves Folly was an outpost located near an extensive set of well guarded ruins and ancient, exhausted mines. Adventures, farmers and a few merchants made up the outpostís populace. Adventures explored the ruin and needed a place to sell their loot and purchase supplies hence Galleonís job.
The dagger must have been something from the ruins. While the blade was in remarkable condition, the leather on the handle needed to be replaced and the current sheath was barely holding together. A price of 30 silver was reached along with a bag of potatoes. After leaving Galleon found himself with little to do, so he began the work needed on the daggerís handle. Slitting the old leather revealed an obsidian handle! Galleon realized that the dagger must have been ceremonial and could be worth a small fortune to the right buyer. In his excitement Galleon did not notice the embozened warding glyphs on the inside of the ancient leather wrap nor palatable arcane energy that started to pulse through the room. Dreams of promotion and perhaps a sizable bonus gave way to the start of a nightmare once his hand met the handle. Pain arched through Galleonís body starting from his blackening hand holding the dagger. A second later (seemingly hours to Galleon) his consciousness left but the nightmare had only began.
Galleon found himself surrounded by a lifeless, blackened land. The air saw stale and no wind blew. Obsidian structures jutted like broken teeth in the distance. Time lost all relevance to Galleon. He felt like he had been here alone for centuries but the musty smell of grain still lingered on his clothes. Galleon had explored every corner of this forsaken land yet he had not moved from the very spot he was in. Footsteps, hundreds of footsteps of various sizes spidered the land. These were not his (were his) footprints.
The land itself then began to speak in an ancient language (no this was his native tounge). Galleonís broken teeth hurt and his withered tongue began to speak words through cracked lips. ďBlessed (cursed), joy (madness), freedom (devoured) I am whole again.Ē
Galleon became conscience and saw his surroundings. He did not have to open his eyes as he no longer had eyelids. He was surrounded by 4 walls of wood. Straw and blankets tied around his body cushioned him. There was a gentle rocking with the occasional bump. The twine snapped easily as Galleon brought his arm up to examine it. Unfamiliar (familiar) joints creaked as the blanket fell away a wooden, clawed arm made its way to Galleonís face.
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