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  #91  
Old 11-30-2018, 09:23 AM
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Excellent! I like the imagery.

https://twitter.com/DanBarr5/status/632185966422306816

On to the next!




Exercise 9.3

Rewrite the following conversation to include a dialect for the main character, Sarwin. You can make Sarwin speak in any manner you wish, but it should be consistent through the conversation. Also, make use of proper fonts, paragraph structure, and all the things you've learned so far to make the post look and read better.

POST"I believe," Sarwin says, long since seated at the table alongside the rest of the group, "All that is left is to meet the Cothian in battle." His fingers stroke his chin, and the short beard within, "I am, of course, worried for the lives of the armies we have assembled. When last I fought the Cothian, I had seven armies under my command, and they were nearly destroyed to a man. Of course, at the time I didn't have the slightest idea how the Cothain might be stopped permanantly - you do have that advantage on me." He grinned a wry smile, but it was clear he was legitimately worried.

"We should not meet Brauava's forces in the city." Mana stated plainly, whose equipment was now all made from a variety of crystal as translucent as she was, "Ferau has been the site of many great battles, even against the sons of fire themselves - which I suppose is fitting - but there will be less... collateral damage if we meet Brauava, say, in the fields to the south of here." She holds the scepter in one hand, the orb at the end revealing a mote of light bouncing about within - always pointing south. "For, it would seem that Brauava is of much the same idea. She has been approaching, though I do not know how far she still is."

"Ah, Divination is just information not yet known" Sarwin replied to Mana. He eyed her scepter knowingly. He was familiar with the magic within it. "And information, as you know, is my specialty."

With a flourish, he produced an impossibly large mirror from his sleeve, and placed it on the table between everyone. "You just have to know what you're looking for. Right now, it is the location of the Cothian, yes? If it is anything like you described, I would not doubt it would be protected from any basic scrying techniques - but we have that lovely scepter to guide us..."

Waving his hands over the mirror and muttering arcane gestures, the refection in the mirror shifted, no longer revealing the ceiling, but instead the open plains to the south of Ferau.

"And, if I may?" He reached out for Mana's scepter, which she passed to him.

"Hold on!" he cries, grinning madly, as he gripped the scepter tightly, and the image in the reflection began moving. Fast. It soared high, revealing huge swaths of land, and dipped low whenever the scepter changed direction. After several dizzying minutes, the view settled down to a forest some distance south-east, which appeared to be collapsing of it's own accord. "Yes, protected from scrying. But this little device certainly does the trick in getting around it. I'll have to get one of these."

"So, to answer your question, Mana," Sarwin says, "It will likely be at the gates in three days time at the rate it appears to be moving. If we want to meet it outside the city, I would say we would likely meet it at dawn in two days."
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  #92  
Old 12-03-2018, 11:27 AM
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9.3"Me believe," Sarwin said, long since seated at the table alongside the rest of the group. "All a dat leaves is to meet the Cothian inna battle. " His fingers stroked his chin, and the short beard within. "Me, of course, worry for da lives of di armies we have assembled. Wen last me fought the Cothian, I had seven armies under me command, and they were nearly destroyed to a man. Of course, at the time me neva have di slightest idea how the Cothain might be stopped permanantly - yuh do ave dat advantage on me." He grinned a wry smile, but it was clear he was legitimately worried.

"We should not meet Brauava's forces in the city." Mana stated plainly, whose equipment was now all made from a variety of crystal as translucent as she was. "Ferau has been the site of many great battles, even against the sons of fire themselves - which I suppose is fitting - but there will be less... collateral damage if we meet Brauava, say, in the fields to the south of here." She held the scepter in one hand, the orb at the end revealing a mote of light bouncing about within - always pointing south. "For, it would seem that Brauava is of much the same idea. She has been approaching, though I do not know how far she still is."

"Ah Divination just information nuh yet known, " Sarwin replied to Mana. He eyed her scepter knowingly. He was familiar with the magic within it. "An information, as yuh know, is me specialty."

With a flourish, he produced an impossibly large mirror from his sleeve and placed it on the table between everyone. "Yuh just haffi know what yuh lookin for. Right now, it is da location of the Cothian, yes? Eff it nuhting like yuh describe me, I would not doubt it would be protected from any basic scrying techniques- but we have that lovely scepta to guide we..."

Waving his hands over the mirror and muttering arcane gestures, the reflection in the mirror shifted, no longer revealing the ceiling, but instead the open plains to the south of Ferau.

"An eff me may?" He reached out for Mana's scepter, which she passed to him.

"Hol'aan!" he cried, grinning madly, as he gripped the scepter tightly, and the image in the reflection began moving. Fast. It soared high, revealing huge swaths of land, and dipped low whenever the scepter changed direction. After several dizzying minutes, the view settled down to a forest some distance south-east, which appeared to be collapsing of its own accord. " Yea protect from scrying. But dis little device certainly does the trick in getting around it. Me have to get one of dem yah."

"Suh to ansah yuh question Mana," Sarwin says, "It will likely be at the gates inna tree days time at the rate it appears to be moving. If we wanna meet it outside the city, I would say we would likely meet it at dawn inna two days."
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Old 12-04-2018, 05:35 PM
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Jamaican? Watched Luke Cage recently? :P

In any case, good stuff! This exercise is more of one in replacement than content creation, but the key is to use the voice consistently, which you have done. I think there are a few small spots where you faltered (e.g. "It will likely be at the gates") where I might have used the accent more aggressively to keep in line with how it was used in the first paragraph, but the feel is still there. Just a note to keep in mind.

On to the next!




Exercise 9.4

Take the following conversation and re-write it to be more comprehensible without losing a flavour of dialect for both characters.

POST"Blooded ashes," the dwarf cried out, shaking his fist at the minotaur. "You are a stubborn fool. Why don't you try a little harder, and not be so stubbon in the way you must do thingsYe be a stoopid git, allup set inna ways. Dannae ken ye be a tram fin lolly, haffin be ye set so far up inna ways?"

"Aegane?" the minotaur rumbled, his deep bass voice shaking the wagon bed as he spoke. He turned on the bench, and eyed the dwarf with one great black cow eye. "Again? Always the same with you, isn't it. Over and over, griping all the time.Awaze de sameo, idn't it, witchya. Ober and ober, gripze allde time."
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Old 12-05-2018, 03:00 PM
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The funny thing is that I had actually toned several sections down for fear that I'd gone too far XD




9.4"Blooded ashes," the dwarf cried out, shaking his fist at the minotaur. "Ye be a stupid git, all set in ye ways. We know ye can be a stubborn idiot, haffin ye be so set in ye ways?"

"Aegane?" the minotaur rumbled, his deep bass voice shaking the wagon bed as he spoke. He turned on the bench and eyed the dwarf with one great black cow eye. "Alwaze de same witchya, ain't it. Ober and over, griping all de time."
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Old 12-11-2018, 03:12 PM
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Lovely. Still strong on the accents, but the more obscure pieces were rendered more human readable, which is perfect for this exercise.

Sorry again for the delay, but we're in the home stretch now! On to the next!





_______________________________________

Lesson 10
_______________________________________

PREFACETwo of the most important posts you can make are often very similar: your application post, detailing something memorable about your PC; and the introduction post in your new game. The key (in both cases) is to show the GM and other players what type of character you're playing and get them excited about playing alongside you. For this lesson, we'll be crafting such a character using all of the tools we've built thus far.

Some key things to remember are to give the other gamers (and readers) enough material to have a memorable interest in you without simply making your post a data dump. You want your character to be interesting, but you don't want to lay out their entire life story. After all, if there's no mystery left, why should anyone bother to continue reading about you?


Exercise 10.1

Make a game app for a new, memorable PC. Include a bit of description (both of their appearance and their mannerisms/behaviours/attitudes), a bit of background, and a bit of conflict (or a hook) to make your character memorable and win you a spot in the game. There is no setting or system restrictions, so do whatever works for you, but don't forget to describe their class mechanics and include an RP sample.

Note: You do NOT need to create a character sheet.
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Old 12-26-2018, 02:31 PM
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Just a little update for you, the last week was absolute hell at work. I also feel bad for poking you about the next lesson, I was expecting another short activity like the previous few.

The good news is that I'm off work for the next week and a half!

The plan now is to get caught up with my games, nap every day, and get 10.1 to you in the next few days.

Hope you had a good christmas and that Santa was kind to you!
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:41 PM
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Thanks for the update! It's been a lovely Christmas so far and I'm looking forward to following your example with the naps

I'm off until January 2nd as well, so when you're ready so too shall I be. Happy holidays!
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:14 PM
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My free time wasn't nearly as free as I'd hoped. The little one is down for a nap now so I'll get some work done on it with the hope being I'll have it 100% by Wednesday.

Feel free to watch the work in progress, or wait until I remove the spoilers

Normally I make all my apps in my private thread so potential GMs only see the polished finished product. Gotta put your best foot forward!

10.1
right-aligned image

Name:Sebastian Mast
Race: Human
Age: 53
Sex: Male
Class: Cleric of Abadar

~~Physical description~~

Sebastian enjoys the refined things in life. Expertly tailored clothes of the finest materials, jewelry made from exotic gems and metals, and carefully distilled fragrances dance an endless waltz one step ahead of current fashion trends. A second glance spots the subtle golden keys throughout his attire. A cufflink here, a button there, elaborate stitching under the collar, the only theme between his wardrobe's many occupants. The subtlety of devotion only serves to draw your attention, pulling you into the ensemble.

Those that can tear their gaze from the clothes and see the man, all see the same thing, sadness. Sunken eyes with deep bags speak of many restless nights. Business associates endeavor to avoid his cold, empty, glare. His lean face speaks of many missed meals, despite his apparent means. His clammy, faded skin is a testament to his feud with the daylight.


~~Personality~~

Sebastian is single-minded, looking for the most direct solution to life's problems. Some men give rousing speeches lighting a fire in the hearts of men. Some write scholarly trists that elevate the minds of men. Some men can take two copper, rub them together, and have a gold. He was such a man.

At an early age, he learned that people would let you down, but money, money made the world go round. He could help one person out of poverty, or he could strike a favorable business deal and pay to have a dozen lifted through tithes to the church. Sebastian always saw the numbers and never the people.

A thorough and brilliant man, he would make connections between seemingly unconnected things and turn them for the greater good. If asked he'd say the accolades and foundations in his name were meaningless, but in truth, the spotlight was one of the few things that gave him joy anymore. There's nothing wrong with being recognized for a job well done.

Recently, however, his charitable works have been broader and more ambitious. His business rivals employed the best spymasters to see what the final gain of such altruistic behavior could be. Men like Cardinal Mast never change, there had to be an angle somewhere.


~~Background~~

Sebastian was the son of local merchants, Lynn and Javier Mast. While profitable, their shipping concerns paled in comparison to Oppara's titans of industry. The boy's early life was one of comfort and study. As heir, he would one day take over the family business and continue to build on the Mast name. Early on he found that cunning and business acumen were the only traits his parents praised him for, that was until he started hearing the voices.

"Press for more, they'll budge another ten percent."

"Wheat futures will steadily rise with the harsh winter ahead"

"Avoid cross sea excursions and focus on local commodity trade this quarter."

They weren't voices per se, but gut feelings on how the market would react before conditions presented themselves. The Mast coffers had filled a considerable amount before the church of Abadar recognized the boy's talents as divinely inspired. The endorsement of The God of Trade vaulted his parent's business dealings for decades to come.

Taken to live with the clerics in their local Chapple, Sebastian chaffed at the simple way in which they lived. This would not do for the servants of The Wealthy Father, God of trade and business. The monks reluctantly handed control of the church's finances over to the young man and looked on in fascination as Sebastian routinely covered the balance sheets in black ink for years on end.

The voices continued, and the church expanded. New dormitories and recruitment efforts lead to massive growth. New food pantries, public schools, and libraries dotted their portion of the city. All built with Sebastian's gains. The voices grew less frequent, and their advice less profitable. He knew he needed to do something bold before he lost Abadar's gifts. An aggressive expansion, that was the way to the top!

Bribes changed hands in smoke-filled rooms. Criminals moved through back allies in the middle of the night. New laws were pushed through, while old ones were altered. Several months of his most brilliant work later, and the nearby church of Gozreh was in foreclosure, his church the proud new owners of their lands. The schools and low-income housing would be up before the season's end.

The voices stopped, and an emptiness grew in their place. More shady deals, more rapid expansion, and Abadar's silence only became more deafening. The man worked tirelessly to fill the hole in his heart with money. The harder he worked, the faster the accolades piled up. Decades of momentum pushed his once tiny church to the hights of Oppara's political sphere, but he was nearly dead inside. The nightmares keeping him up the few nights he even attempted sleep.

He awoke one morning, donned his most valuable attire, and endeavored to walk the most dangerous parts of town until someone removed him from this world. Perhaps Abadar would answer his questions in person? He struggled to the remember his God's voice as he walked the filthy trash heaped alleyways around the docks. He saw a shadow dart into his peripheral vision. Finally, peace at last. He thought as he did nothing to stop the man's approach. The tone and pitch of his would be murder's voice did nothing to meet his expectations.

"Hey mister, are you lost or something? The name's Sef, and my old man always told me to help the elderly!"

Sebastian's blood boiled. ELDERLY?! He shocked himself out of his malaise. It was only then that it had sunk in what he was doing. He fell to his knees and wept. The boy took him by the arm and lead him to his hut under the docks. The boy talked and talked and talked while Sebastian calmy listened. Remembering his time as a boy as the lessons of the early monks played through his head as crisply as when he'd received them. He'd gone astray at some point in his life, and the only way back was to channel into his old self. Someone stunningly similar to his boy.

"How would you like to leave this hovel behind and come work with me at that huge church over there?" Sebastian moved the stained curtains and pointed to his church on the nearby hill.

"No thank's mister. I'm happy here, but a job sure would be nice."

Sebastian thought for a moment. "You seem adept at helping me when I need it most. Would you care to be my assistant?" He felt a small stirring in his heart at that moment. He didn't know what it meant but knew that he couldn't continue living the way he had been. Maybe fresh perspective was what he truly needed?


~~Roleplay Sample~~

Sef tugged on Sebastian's sleeve and pointed to the beggar's bowl. "Sir, don't you think this man could use a hot meal?" The beggar perked up and jangled his bowl before the pair.

"The closest food kitchen is three blocks down and two blocks over. You will find the help you need there."

Sef glared at the aging cardinal and cleared his throat. "Sir..."

Sebastian looked at the pair. "Now see here, I've established the most efficient network of charities in the entirety of the Inner Sea!"

Sef kicked Sebastian in the shin. "It isn't always about efficiency you know. Sometimes you just have to help people when they need it!" Seeing the lesson had yet to sink in, the boy reached into the Cardinal's coin pouch and threw a few silver into the beggar's bowl.

The pair continued to walk, each not wanting to be the first to speak about what happened. The boy broke first.

"You know, for someone so smart, you're pretty dumb sometimes. Didn't you tell me that Abadar is the god of nobility, protection, and travel? Pretty sure none of those involve being a greedy jerk!"

Sebastian fumed, but the man could find no fault with his assistant's logic. Should he complement the boy for his sincerity? Should he scold him for how he treaded his betters? Change the subject moving to happier topics? The more he thought about it, the less the right words would come to his lips. He looked at the ground and waited for the boy to continue speaking.

"travel, Travel, TRAVEL. That's it! You think you have the nobility and protection thing down pat dont you? So why dont we go on a trip? Travel far and wide and see if that doesn't put your Abadar in a more talkative mood?"

Sebastian shrugged his shoulders. It had been nearly a decade since he last left Oppara's walls. Perhaps a trip would do him good. "I'll call ahead and have our things prepared for us. I should have a caravan ready to leave by week's end! The man's disposition improved the more he thought about hitting the open road.

"Week's end?! The boy said with an exasperated sigh. "I was thinking right now! How about that ship right... THERE!" The boy closed his eyes and pointed at a random ship in the harbor before removing his other hand from his eyes.

"But we have no idea where that ship is going!" Sebastian said with a hint of fear in his voice.

"I know, isn't it wild?!" Sef said as he skipped toward the randomly chosen vessel
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Last edited by Imveros; Yesterday at 06:08 PM.
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Old 01-06-2019, 09:09 PM
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I'll wait until it's ready! I don't want to tarnish my judgment of the final product. When it's done please post again so I remember to come back!
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Old 01-09-2019, 03:36 PM
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**Update**

The rough draft is complete! I'm going to let it rest until tomorrow, do a few rounds of editing, and unsecret it tomorrow!
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Old 01-09-2019, 03:54 PM
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I applaud how seriously you're taking this exercise. I look forward to the results!
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Old Yesterday, 06:09 PM
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Bah, I'm still not 100% happy with it, but it's up now! I'll keep fidgeting with it for another week if I dont just submit it already ~_~
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Old Yesterday, 10:23 PM
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Excellent! That was a wnderful read, though I do have a few notes.

1) Chapel* (not Chapple). You're also missing a quotation mark near the end there. Other than that I found no spelling or grammar mistakes, and I'm definitely not dinging you for them.
2) You have given me an incredibly clear picture of Sebastian, but his cohort (I assume) Sef seems to be the hero of the tale at the end and I know next to nothing about him. It feels just a bit strange that the companion is shining so much brighter than the character, though I do understand how that came to be in context.
3) What sort of campaign did you envision for him? You hinted at the end there that they'd be leaving on a ship of some kind, but where would this business man fit in?
4) I dig the choice of music :P
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Old Yesterday, 11:43 PM
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Ill admit that not as much effort went into the companion. He could grow and change with the story. That was just the first idea of how to get him out of his soiral. My tiny Tim to my Scooge.

As for the type of story, I was imagining a fish out of water tale to the least civilised place possible. It would challenge the character to grow, would give me a long term goal (tame the wilds), and it would likely lead to many funny moments, which as you've seen in my samples, is one of my favorites.

Yeah, another user on here told me to always pick theme music. Even if I don't post it with the app, it'll help me stay focused. It was the first song that came to mind once I hooked that Scrooge vibe
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It's good that you have a such a consistent vision for the character, and the fish-out-of-water idea could make for some very interesting adventures! Normally we work to make a character perfect for the setting, but you've taken the extra step of making one that perfectly isn't. I like it!

Let's finish this off with a bang, shall we?





_______________________________________

Final Lesson
_______________________________________

POST 1
 

POST 2
 

POST 3
 


Look familiar? I should hope so! These are the sample posts you included at the beginning of this whole process. Now's when you finally learn why.

The last exercise of requires you to critique your posts using the lessons you've learned over the course of your training. What did you do well? What would you do differently now that you've run the gauntlet?
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