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Old Oct 30th, 2013, 10:07 AM
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Jack of Fables: Big 'Ol Bag 'O Bones

Now this story. Maybe it's true, and maybe it ain't, but it's about crafty ol' Jack of the Tales, who was quite crafty in his old days and still is now that he's followed us into the new world.

When The War of Yankee Aggression -- which those of low education continue to call The American Civil War-- Jack, always the restless sort, Got it in his mind that he can take advantage of such a grand adventure.

He thought himself capable of marrying a rich southern BELLE, if only he'd earn some renown in battle. So, putting on a gentleman's airs and a refined manner of speech, Jack came down to the south and lied up a mess of imaginary states and aristocratic connections as to enlist into the Louisiana volunteers as captain of infantry.

Well, Jack didn't get his glory, since the war didn't turn out so good -- at least for the southern gentry.

Big 'Ol Bag 'O Bones

In which death itself seems to be just another opportunity for Jack to hatch his schemes.

When it was clear that the war wasn't going to end well for the South, Jack cooked up a bunch more lies about a dying mother to get an early muster. I expect his commander was more than anxious to see him go, since Jack was quite handy with a deck of cards, and would constantly win any game of poker.

"Y'un's take care 'a yerselves now, y'hear?" Says Jack as he raffles up his sack-o-goods up to his back and prepares to walk away. "Take the Road, Jack! It's longer, but safer!" says one of his gantry's men, to which another continues. "Yeah, don't be cuttin' through no swamp, Jack! They say It's witched with all manners 'a vile critter. Mebbe Slick Nick himself!" "Shitfire, boy, I aint scared, mebbe the devil 'imself oughta pop outta 'dem bushes but I'ma be takin' the swamp back home."

Maybe it was true that he wasn't afraid, or maybe he knew that all matters of Cutthroat bands, Renegade deserters, and ne'er-do-gooders roamed the roads, but whatever his reasons were, Jack did indeed cross the old bayou.

20 Minutes later...
"♪ We loved each other then, Lorena, more than we e'er dared to tell... ♫" sung Jack, as he progressed through the mushy grounds of the swamp, swabbing away any critters who'd dare come at him. Before looking ahead, and seeing an old black man, old enough to be in his 80s, sitting on a rock, playing with a deck of cards on a chopped up log of wood. "Well I'll be a Suck-Egg Mule! What an ol' coot such-as yerself be doin' all the way out here?"

The Old man started shuffling the cards, and looked over to Jack's direction and quickly began to speak. "Playin' poker All with meself, to take my mind off-'a my empty belly. Set yerself down, 'ol-feller and play a couple hands with me, so mabbe I can win me sum a 'dem tasty rations ye got." Jack giggles slightly, before talking in a mocking manner. "Well I aint nobody to turn down a game'a poker, but you don' look like you got nary-bit to wager, ye old coot."

The Old man smiled, his eyes half-shut, he turned stopping shuffling and spread his arms across the air. "Who Knows? Mebbe I'm The King A' Ol' Siam and got me all sorts of treasures stashed away in me sack here. You Jess bet what you've a mind to bet an' I'll match." Jack Sighed. "Well I guess that'll 'ave to do, Deal the cards."

"I Reckon I'll open with a Mess o' crusty fresh-baked bread. I bet you sure want that, dont'cha?" "Y'bet right, young-feller. "responds the old man, as the game begins.

3 Hours Later...

But this was one game of poker that didn't end well for out old boy Jack. The Skinny Old Swamp Rat had him a run of cards like old David had a run of wives. They was all lovely and they came by the Bushel.

"Your bet again, old-feller." "I know, I know it is! You don't gotta keep TELLIN' me time an' again! I'm bettin' my last shoe against gettin' my other one back!" Jack then quickly flipped his hand, showing that he had three aces and two kings. "Hah! This time I gots you ye ol' buzzer! I gots me a full house, Kings fulls 'a trays!" But to his utter mouth-opening shock, the cards in the old geezer's hands were Four-of-a-kind twos. "Dem's Good cards ye got there boy, but I reckon four lil' twos jess a mite better, still." At this point, Jack was all cleaned out, outraged he stood up, pointing his finger and shouting. "God Dang it! Yous done it! Yous done cleaned me OUT y'ol Buzzard!" The Old man had a disappointed look on his face. "That mean you don' won' play no more?" "How!? I aint got doodly-squat 'cept my pants and I damn well sure ain't creepin' in no goddamn swamp BUCK-ASS NEKKID!"

The Old man finally opened his eyes wide, exposing white soul-less eyes, before muttering the rest of his words in perfect American tongue. "That's not everything you've got, boy. You've still got your soul. How about we play one last hand? Your soul against everything I've got, your things and mine combined."

Jack didn't look impressed or frightened, in stead he looked dumb-founded, placing his hands on his hips. "So thass what's this all be about? Should'a recognized you earlier, Mr.Slick, wheres yer ol' hooves and Tail? and dem big Horns a' yours? " "Stay on the subjeckt, boy! We be playin' one more hand or not?"

"My Deal, Ol' Nick. Even Iffen you win, you gots nothin' but useless junk, but Iffen I win, I take ALL your stuff, includin' that magical bag 'a yors like yous promised. Oh yeah, Nicky, don't think I didn't notice how yous was fillin' yer bag and it not getting no FULLER." Jack Deals the cards, and smiles as he draws his five cards. While the old man trades in two cards. Well, Looks like I win. "I've gots me an Ace-High Flush, boy." "Think again, Nicky boy, cuz that don' beat four o' one kind, like ye' showed me with yer last hand." Jack turns his hand, revealing FOUR JACKS.

The old man flips the log and jumps up, outraged. "Dangit! you tricked me somehow!" to which Jack replied. "Nonsense, Nick. Who can trick the Debbil himself?"

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Old Oct 30th, 2013, 01:42 PM
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Old Nick never did find out how he got outfoxed. Most people just assume that Jack was simply a better cheater than the devil himself.

"♪ Pretty flowers need the sun! ♫ This applies to ev-er-y-one! ♪"

Jack always boasted about how he never picked up a deck of cards if he wasn't sure he would deal himself four jacks, whenever he wanted.

Good ol' nick never did go back on his word. He told Jack about the Magic words which would magically insert any item into it without it getting any fuller, and by simply thinking of that item, he can pull it out.

It was a glamorous afternoon, Jack was strollin' down the street with his new swag bag, when suddenly he encountered a rather fat and delicious looking pig. "GLORY BE!" He shouted as he chased after the pig, which stood no chance after he shouter "CLICKETY CLACK, GET INTO MY SACK!" After which the sack released a suctionous gas that pulled the pig inside of it. Jack smiled with glee and looked to the sack. Y"a'll gon' make me a FINE and FANCY supper, Mrs. Piggy." he said, before turning to look at the estate from which the pig came from, which appeared to be a large house made of whitewood, as he saw it's barn door open, and all the chickens running amok. "An' Mebbe I'll e'en get lucky twice n' find me somebody ta cook ye up for me! HELLO!?, Anyone Home? Gallant Hero of the War here! Any'ne own dees nice fat chickens?"

Jack smiled to the non response and continued "WELL THEN, I Guess nobody'll mind if I snag meself some a dees fat chickens for meself!" as he began to chase one of the sqwaking chickens. Hey! "Chicky Chicky! Clickety Clack, GET INTO MY SACK!" he shouted as the sack sucked in the poor helpless chicken without any resistance.

Jack searched the mansion high and low, looking for someone to make him welcome, and cook him up his dinner for him." Ain't Nobody Home at all?" he said, confused. With all the robbers and Brigands running around, it was odd that such an empty rich estate would be left all alone. "Should I jess Make meself at home, then?" He continued, before opening the last door to one of the bedrooms and entering.

As he entered, he saw the most beautiful woman he's even laid eyes upon, laying down on a soft bed, looking towards him.

"H-Hello? Oh My." Jack said in dumbfoundedness, to which the woman responded "Hello, sir. Welcome to the Saramonde Ancestral Family Estate. I'm Sally Cornswell." Jack responded nervously. "Uh.. I'm Jack.. I'm a-" "Decorated Hero of the war? Yeah, I heard you since the moment of your rather boisterous arrival."

Jack smiled and sat down next to her." Then why's you-uns not answer nuthin?" "A Young lady of good breeding does not scream out her Greetings like some uneducated hooligan."

"Then why din' you come out and welcome me properly, 'den?" "Because a Deabilitating sickness has overcome me, and I'm quite unable to move from my bed." Jack jumped out in shock. "You-ah SICK!?" To which the woman sighed." Don't fret. It's not contagious. At least its only afflicted members of my family before me. They're all gone, victims of the same cursed disease."

"An' Da slaves?" "All Ran off or sold long ago. Except my nan, good old nan always stayed with me, but with death only hours away, I free'd her this morning."

"So you-ah doomed?" "Afraid so, sir." "Thass horrible! Yous da most loveliest woman I ever laid eyes on! You shouln't havta die before yous effer did lived!" "As complementary as you are, I'm afraid we can't choose our own fates."

Jack sat there silent for a couple seconds, before putting on a I-think-this-face-is-sexy-but-it's-actually-disturbing face and said "Hey! I don't suppose you'd like to have a last Tumble, then? Before the reaper comes and gets you."

"EXCUSE ME!?" She shouts, before he replies "I ain't had a woman in three years - not counting whores, of course -, and you don't seem to have any plans for this afternoon." "Are you suggesting I indulge in INCARNAL CONGRESS with you!? I intend to go VIRTUOUS to my lord, you're no Gentleman, sir! and may I also point out that you're no southerner either! Your counterfeit accent comes and goes more than a march breeze!"

Jack smirks awkwardly. "Oh yeah, I was so used to aping you people down here that I forgot to drop the accent once I left the Infantry. -- Hey! What do you mean by counterfeit!? -- I'll have you know that several ladies of The New Orleans Society found me authentic AND charming!

"Pfft, as a sideshow, perhaps. Now please leave me to my appointment with the Angel of Death." and that's when it clicked. "Hey! Thass an idea! What say you if I could keep Ol' Rattle-bones from claiming you?"

Several tears drop from the woman's eyes as she turns her head away in sorrow. "No man has THAT power, you're cruel to even attempt to raise my hopes for your sick amusement." "No, I'm serious! do you want to live? What prize would you pay to escape DEATH itself?" The woman opened her eyes wide and looked at him before shouting "ANYTHING OF COURSE!"

later that night...

The Reaper arrives, breaking in through the front door, as Sally screams in horror, but before he could say a word, Jack jumps out from behind him. "AH HA Mister Bones! I've got you now!" "Eh?" "Clickety Clack! Get into my Sack!" He shouts as DEATH HIMSELF is sucked into Jack's Magical sack.

Sally jumps up from her bed. "You did it! My Paralysis is gone! I can move freely!" Before Jack grabs her by the waist. "And now to claim my reward." he says as he puckers his lips. "Ew! Yeah! I know, I won't go back on my bargain but.. Is there any possible way you could take a bath?"

[CENTER]later that night...again.

Oh god! Yes! Jack! CALL ME DIRTY, JACK! CALL ME A DIRTY WHORE. and the likes can be heard coming from the estate. As Jack's face is emptied of all color. "Jesus god almighty above and beyond, woman, would you SHUT UP long enough to let me finish? I'm gonna bust open just trying to keep up with you.

[CENTER]After that Fun Night... THE NEXT MORNING.

"Oh god, Jack, you've opened a new world to me, thank you! How long before you can go again?" Jack smacks his head into the pillow J"esus woman, you're killing me, make me some breakfast at least. I need energy to keep up with your kind of nasty business."

"Pig!" she says, as Jack comically replies. "Or Chicken, or Cow, or Lamb. Just as long as it tastes good."

However, later that day when Sally pinned down a chicken and swung her axe at it's head, something quite peculiar happened. The Chicken's head flung off, Squawking and crawling on the ground, to Sally's horror.

Jack is rudely awakened by Sally's voice, as he wakes up he sees her filled with blood. "Eyagh! What happened!?" to which sally responded "Jack, Help! Nothing will die!" as she grabs him and takes him outside, where a scene of butchered headless disemboweled animals, still mooing and sqwuaking.

"What in the NINE HELLS?"" and that's not all! we have visitors!" says sally as she points at three undead soldiers moving at them. J"AACK! JACK. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? We died this morning, jack, but we didn't die! What did you do jack, why are you stopping us from going to our reward?"

Jack, confused, immediately takes out his sack. "I-I'm going to make it all right! but you have to understand, I did it all for HER!"

"Hey, don't put this on me, jack, I was ready to go to my Savior's Sweet Bosom a long time ago." Jack opens his sack, and calls forth death. Which Unravels before him, shouting "HOW DID YOU DO THAT TO ME!?"

"Umm, Mr. Death, don't be angry, I can explain!"" Explain? You don't have to explain anything. That was my first day off in forever! Thank you, Jack!" "So everything is settled between us?" "Yeah, Yeah. I guess." "What about me? am I to be taken now?" says Sally, to which death says "No, You can have one more year together, but that's it."

"Oh and what a wonderful year it will be, right my love? ""Oh.. umm.. yeah. Just.. can you please... Take a bath first?"

But Jack lost both his Love and his Sack within a few weeks since that day. Sally ran off with a travelling whiskey drummer, and his sack? Well, that's another story.
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