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  #91  
Old 07-30-2019, 04:22 PM
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I believe I am finished as well, just as Jason is and, like him, would love to hear any critiques about the Doctor and his story.

Be warned, the Word Wall is strong in this one and is not for the faint of heart. If there is anything in the application which is too much for anyone please tell me so I might alter it to ensure I am not causing undue stress or crossing lines that people do not wish to see crossed.
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  #92  
Old 07-30-2019, 04:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasontheswift View Post
@Vaerdis, I should be finished with my app pretty soon. I should have enough if you would be willing to give some feedback. I'll be working on grammar and phrasing along the way.

I'd like to extend this to anyone interested, I'm a writer in my spare time and am happy to receive all constructive feedback. Additionally if anyone would like feedback from me, feel free to ask.
Will do a deep review at a later date, just going to point out some missing things.
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Originally Posted by taleteller50 View Post
I believe I am finished as well, just as Jason is and, like him, would love to hear any critiques about the Doctor and his story.

Be warned, the Word Wall is strong in this one and is not for the faint of heart. If there is anything in the application which is too much for anyone please tell me so I might alter it to ensure I am not causing undue stress or crossing lines that people do not wish to see crossed.
On first glance, it is not a cat goddess so start over.

Will start reviewing later.
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Last edited by Vaerdis; 07-30-2019 at 04:24 PM.
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  #93  
Old 07-30-2019, 04:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaerdis View Post
On first glance, it is not a cat goddess so start over.

Will start reviewing later.
HEY! I asked if Doc was ok rather then Bella and you gave the go ahead. Besides, do you not see how much I had to work on him.

In all seriousness Bella is fun but I need to get my inner villain on with Doc and he's the type that can still work with more goody goody types if he needs to. I can always turn Summer more into a Dark side Bella wannabe; a corrupted being of pleasure that seduces souls into the Doctors waiting grasp I just thought the innocent turned victim fit better.

Also
@Jasontheswift:
Read your App and a few critiques came to mind.
-1.- There are still some areas, like the Spoiler under Domain, Description under Appearance, and Last Tear under Background which are either unfinished or possibly not needed.
2.- I don't know if you need the Everlasting power on your Legendary Item as most of the abilities that power gives are already associated with our abilities as Gods.
3.- Centering and Underlining your Background's title might make it look more like the title for the epic tome that is your God's history.
4.-You might also wish to describe things like your God's Realm or what kind of people would believe in him and be more definitive about his goals as a God.

I also believe I saw several grammatical and spelling errors but I'm terrible for those myself so I can't really point fingers. Someone better then I could probably highlight them with more confidence, if they even are there and not just a byproduct of my imagination.

Vaerdis is of course the definitive authority on all this but you asked for people's two cents and that is mine. I would love to hear any criticism you might have for my own character.
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Last edited by taleteller50; 07-30-2019 at 05:03 PM.
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  #94  
Old 07-30-2019, 05:29 PM
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Thanks for the feedback, yeah I'll be checking mistakes.

@Vaerdis, I was thinking it just to be an elder Wind Elemental or something. Just a primordial sentient force not quite a divine being. More akin to an angel maybe. I will make changes to the item I must've misread the entry about them.

Last edited by Jasontheswift; 07-30-2019 at 05:36 PM.
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  #95  
Old 07-30-2019, 05:41 PM
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@taleteller50, I love the doctor heh. The realm is cool, the whole application is a tome which is a good thing. There is very few details to ask about from what I can see. I personally prefer a more narrative style but that is just a personal stance. That is always the fun of evil characters you can really go without restraint.

Last edited by Jasontheswift; 07-30-2019 at 06:00 PM.
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  #96  
Old 07-30-2019, 06:21 PM
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If you need a more Narrative style there's always the RP sample at the bottom. I guess I could also make the background more story like but with as much content as there is that would just make each part a Chapter or Book onto itself and I'm not about to do that much writing for something I may not even make the cut of.

You also have to think of the GM who has to slog through everything and try to remember everyone's story. There's a reason a made the abridged version with the key highlights at the top of the history just in case Vaerdis wanted to skip everything else.

And I agree; Evil is always fun
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Last edited by taleteller50; 07-30-2019 at 06:21 PM.
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  #97  
Old 07-30-2019, 06:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by taleteller50 View Post
HEY! I asked if Doc was ok rather then Bella and you gave the go ahead. Besides, do you not see how much I had to work on him.

In all seriousness Bella is fun but I need to get my inner villain on with Doc and he's the type that can still work with more goody goody types if he needs to. I can always turn Summer more into a Dark side Bella wannabe; a corrupted being of pleasure that seduces souls into the Doctors waiting grasp I just thought the innocent turned victim fit better.
Looking forward to Summer becoming some demi-kyton horror.

Also yes, I enjoyed the highlights because I am currently not studying all the backgrounds today.
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  #98  
Old 07-30-2019, 07:14 PM
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Should have asked this before but what is your stance on the Kyton in your game world? Kind of late to be asking about this with how central they are to Doc's background but I figured they fit easy enough given how most think they're just another type of devil even if they really aren't. Specifically I was wondering if you would be using the 9 common demagogues, ie. the Kyton Leaders, or not? I can note Doc's thoughts on each of them if you'd like
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Last edited by taleteller50; 07-30-2019 at 07:15 PM.
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  #99  
Old 07-30-2019, 08:58 PM
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Kytons will be easily adaptable to the world structure. They have less authority than devils, but due to certain events in the mortal plane the power of demons is diminished, thus all other fiends have a higher overall number of cults.

In general I believe drow pirate enclaves will be popular worshipers of kytons.
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  #100  
Old 07-30-2019, 09:18 PM
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How free should we feel about writing world history? Can we make up things like noble families, potentially large events that we instigated or stopped, and similar kinds of things on our paths to apotheosis?
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  #101  
Old 07-30-2019, 09:43 PM
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How free should we feel about writing world history? Can we make up things like noble families, potentially large events that we instigated or stopped, and similar kinds of things on our paths to apotheosis?
Nothing that would uproot an entire county of people. Events like raids on villages, death of several dragons, leading armies or doing something of the same level of Homer's Odyssey.
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  #102  
Old 07-30-2019, 09:59 PM
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Okay...that's good to know, thanks.
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  #103  
Old 07-31-2019, 12:29 AM
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My app should be done, I'm just doing another read over to check for grammar and spelling but I'm done and ready for review.
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  #104  
Old 08-01-2019, 03:05 AM
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Will release in-depth reviews for all completed apps on August 3rd.
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  #105  
Old 08-01-2019, 05:14 AM
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Excellent, going to get back to work on mine. Got held up filling out a bunch of paperwork for an upcoming medical study I'm going to be spending a few days doing, though not for another couple months. The way I'm writing the background for The Fox is a first for me, never done the first person narrative style before so I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job on it.

Edit: Got chapter two of what I am assuming will be four up now. It's much longer than the first one, to the point that I had to take a quick glance @Jasontheswift's and @taleteller50's applications just to assure myself that my projected length for the whole thing wasn't going to end up being too long. So thanks you two for making me not have to worry about that.
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Last edited by Yuul; 08-01-2019 at 07:26 AM.
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