[OOC] The Officers' Mess

[Caecielien]

Still alive

[Outcast]

Intermittently oblivious, as ever - but yes, still here.

Quick query: "...an arrow streaks from the forest..." - from roughly which bit of the map? I'd guess that it'll have come from North or East of the surviving trio at the coach, but it'd be good to be sure.

[HenryLockwood]

From the East. Good question!

[Outcast]

Hrmmm. This is one of my rare characters without the Run feat. I was just about to have Domnik sprint up the road at 5x speed, while retaining his full AC....

[Mal Radagast]

Ahghads, ALL the work! Am here, huffing and puffing, and with two whole days off now - in a row, even! That'll make...four this month. Whoo!

[Caecielien]

Sorry for the delay! It has been a very busy an un-interneting week or so.

Sera will recover from the shock of seeing her first real combat take action within 24 hours!

[Mal Radagast]

Hrm, not entirely certain what I'm doing here...drafting a thing. Which is to say, Gus has little to contribute, I think, until the fight comes to him. He's very likely wheezing over the side of that bridge right now.

Anyroad, I'll come up with something!

[Edit] - How's everyone feel about Obscuring that bridge? I mean, it'd probably be an accident...he's actually not a practised mage or anything.

[Elfman6]

Maybe I'm just being an emo ****. Maybe not. I don't know. I really don't. I don't know if I even care about the difference. Just writing this to you; I'm finding it excessively difficult. tl;dr version: I'm leaving the site.

 

I've been staring at this screen for weeks, months really. The thoughts are there, but I have no desire to put pen to paper as it were. Its not fun for me anymore as much as I hate to say it, but its true. There isn't any joy in it anymore. Its just a chore. I don't want to hold the games up. That's not fair to any of you. I have a lot of **** to work through and I don't know how long it will take. Better to bow out, then to continue this charade.

I'm 29 years old, pushing 30. I've spent the past 14 or 15 years gaming; telling myself that that was enough. I convinced myself that I don't need companionship in the sense of a significant other. That I didn't need to go out and do things and actually interact with the world at large. That the world could **** itself, because if the world wanted to see me, I'm right here. Stupidity of youth. I didn't care because I had nothing to care about. I made enough money to survive without any ambition to do better. I have my immediate family, but to be frank I've been emotionally unattached from them for years and years. My friends, I adore them to pieces, but it doesn't bother me if I don't hear or see them. I've just been going through the motions of life without actually living it. I have books, but no stories; life, but no experiences. I've been spending time in a bubble of introversion, and lets face it, selfishness. That bubble finally popped. Not all at once. More like a slow dissolve, but the effect is still the same. A lot of time, not so much wasted as inefficiently used.

My father died this spring. Between when he was hospitalized and the last time I spoke to him was about 5-6 years. Actually seeing him probably closer to 8 or 9. He was angry, repetitive, obsessed with how much money I made, controlling, prone to pushing emotional buttons; but he was still my dad. I ignored the good parts of him so I wouldn't feel bad about not picking up the phone. He eventually stopped calling. I never apologized even when I had the chance to and it seems so ****ing stupid. Visited him in the hospital convinced that he would pull through. Kept the drama between me and one of my brothers completely out of it because he didn't need to hear it. Not there at the very least. Realized the trip to Calgary wasn't as far as I thought it was. He had mellowed out, could actually talk with him. Buried him a couple months later without me so much as picking up the phone. Cried like a baby for a man I spent half my life pushing away; successfully. ****ing idiocy.

My health looks good, but I feel like **** more often than not this year. I feel sick and tired and run down. I stopped doing physical activity when I graduated high school and that was a dumb mistake. Because sports generally involves interacting with other people. But I live out in the boonies, so its easy to make excuses not to. I can't do that anymore. I didn't give a **** because I lived like no one gave a **** about me.

Its really easy to convince yourself you aren't lonely. You're a quiet, introverted guy and prefer being alone without having to talk to anyone. Perfectly ****ing normal. Nothing wrong with that. At my core, that's who I am or at the very least who I've become. The problem is when you combine that with a belief that if anyone is interested in what I have to say, they will come over and ask. Total ********. The reason being that you've skipped one vital step that allows you to lie to yourself that you aren't actually lonely because no one is approaching so **** them. That step is that if the world doesn't know you're there, they aren't going to approach anyway because they don't know there is anyone to approach. So you pretend everything is okay and you believe it, because the alternative is to admit the lie and actually face that fear of rejection. So now you have no social skills, no stories, no ability to tell any story you might have, and no ability to deal with it like a reasonable human being when that one person actually approaches. And she did.

Just a chance meeting because my brother and I couldn't get a cab after a Metallica concert in Edmonton. So he calls his friend and she and her friend show up and give us a ride back to our hotel. My brother and his friend chat up a storm. Me, I'm being quiet in the corner having a drink; just listening. She's obviously getting a bit bored asks me what I'm into. Turns out we're both gamers. Well holy ****, another gaming buddy and a woman at this. My brother and his friend are getting a bit heavy, so we leave. Take an early morning walk from the Whitemud to Whyte Ave and back. Awesome conversation, trade numbers, but she has a boyfriend. Doesn't bother me. I have low expectations. Fast forward a year and get a text out of the blue. She broke up with her boyfriend and wants to meet up. She actually ****ing remembered. Doesn't hit me just how lonely I am until that moment. Holy ****. Emotional ****ing soul sucking void. So I go down to Edmonton on my days off and hang out all weekend again and again and again, too ****ing bewildered and surprised that this girl is actually interested in me. Three months to to do what I should have done day ****ing one and just kiss her. Three months of being so nervous I threw up. Oh yeah, real attractive. I care about her. I really do. The problem is my nerves annoyed her. Other, more confident, guys have talked to her. Made her laugh the way I managed to when she invited me down. Made her smile and it makes me insanely jealous. So ****ing angry at my own goddamn cowardice. But she let me kiss her and hold her, even after all that. Of course, I'm paranoid and have no idea if she is trying to to spare my feelings and being polite or if I didn't completely **** this up and there's still a chance. I just don't know. I just don't ****ing know. I've been told to relax and I can, for a little while at least. I have way too much time to just think though.

I set my life up this way and its biting me in the ass.

I respect you all. You're wonderful people, but its time for me to go. I need to look after myself. I need to actually live. I need to join the rest of the world that you are already a part of. My adventures need to stop being in my head.

Farewell,

-Michael Carter-Wright

P.S. If you are interested in contacting me, you can find me on Facebook. I'm the only one with that name. You can try my email address as well, but the filter is sometimes a little too good.
elfman6@hotmail.com

[Still_Pond]

Well, if you're gone, you won't read this, but I'll say it anyway. Thanks for sharing so much and good luck. I can identify with much of what you wrote, and I understand how much life fantasy can suck away from a person. To write really good stories, you need some real life experiences. Hope you find some.

Remember us when you are more balanced and your kids/wife/job are cramping your ability to table-top game and you feel like flexing your creative writing muscles once more.

[HenryLockwood]

Elfman, sorry to see you go. Thanks for being a good gamer, and best of luck off-site!

Everyone else: should I advance combat faster? We're slowing down a bit...

[Caecielien]

It's PbP. Patience is not only a virtue but a requirement

[Still_Pond]

I'm slowing down in all of my games. I don't mind the slower pace personally, (at the moment), but I understand how it can be frustrating. What kind of post rate are you wanting? one a week? One ever three days or so? everyday?

[HenryLockwood]

Can we aim for "at least once a week"? I think there's a tendency to lose momentum otherwise.

[Still_Pond]

Well, I can commit to a 1/week post rate. If I can't, I'd probably just quit the game I think. That may happen, because my life has gotten a bit busy lately and at the same time my computer time is less. For now though, I'm still here and still enjoying the game.

[Outcast]

Sorry!

I've not exactly lost 'net access over the past ten days or so. Indeed, I've frequently had it. Often several times a day. :P

No idea what's been up with Virgin... but it seems to have stabilised now, and I'm trying to catch up.