Mental Health Support Thread

[doggius]

While, it saddens me to see some of these posts, the pain that each and everyone of you have endured, it also makes me happy to see people talking about it. Depression is a beast of a disease. The mind is more powerful than we sometimes realize.

I have always been of the mind that talking to someone when finding oneself struggling with depression. But, oddly, that's when it's the hardest to speak. Like SlashEdgewind had stated in his post, letting how you feel, it feels as though it's something shameful to say or reveal. It's my problem and I should just man up and get past these silly feelings. Especially for a male. Males are not supposed to have feelings, they are supposed to be strong and depression is a word for a child who doesn't get what they want.

Yes, I struggle with depression, though I have to say thankfully, it is mild depression. I have lived life to its fullest, so to speak. I have tried, if not abused, many different types of drugs in my life time. I struggle with alcoholism. (first time I've ever truly admitted this publicly, the alcoholism bit, but the truth is, I have a problem with alcohol.) I have made numerous bad decisions in my life and have always made excuses for these decisions. I have self-confidence issues, never feeling like I'm good enough or that I matter, which has led me to bite my tongue when I know I should speak my mind. I'm always degrading myself in the eyes of others and when people say I shouldn't talk like that, I shrug it off and say that, that's my style of humor etc.

I'm 40 years old, divorced and a father of 1 amazingly awesome son. Yet, I live in a strangers townhouse basement. Financially, I'm pretty much ruined. I tell others that its due to my ex wife (although she is a contributing factor to my financial struggles) it is also due to my bad decisions.

Yet, these are the words I hear others say about me, which I'm always quick to dismiss or try to "give a real assessment of who I am". I'm a great father, a kind hearted person, selfless and put others before myself. I've been single for 8 years or so and I hear, constantly, that I'd make a great catch for someone. I know some of my close friends are actively working to help me change my opinion of myself.

Ok, well, that kinda wasn't the path that I was trying to head down, but what's done is done. Yes, I could easily erase all that, but what's the point in doing that? Maybe someone will gain something out of what I've said. But, through all of that, I have also found that when my friends have issues or problems etc, they come talk to me.

So, for what its worth, I'd like to offer this. If any of you find that you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to PM me. Talking to someone, or even writing a journal, is fairly therapeutic and I have noticed, in my case, questions I've asked myself had found their own answers, when talking/writing to someone. I don't judge as I've not a leg to stand on, to judge anyone.

So..yeah, I'll be there for ya, if you need someone to talk to.
doggius

[Aethera]

Doggius, bravo. Introspection is probably the harshest light that ever shines on us. I commend you for finding your flaws, but more so for admitting them to others. I have trouble with an alcoholic parent who won't admit it's more than "an occasional alcohol problem", and seeing you admit to alcoholism, especially for the first time, makes my heart go out to you. I'd return your offer... if you need to talk to someone, vent, or otherwise find a sympathetic ear, please feel free to PM me or contact me by any of the info listed on my profile.

And that goes for everyone else, too. If you need to talk to someone, especially if you find it hard to talk to friends whose judgment might affect your daily life, PM/IM me. I'm sympathetic, believe me, and at the very least anything I say is easier to throw out if you don't like it. I'm just somebody online, just a username. It's not like talking to someone you'll see every day. (If you don't see the big difference here, trust me. Having a friend "judge" you [or just assuming they do] is much harder to deal with than someone you'll never meet in public.)

A few words of encouragement for everyone; your life is sacred. I don't care what you believe about God, gods, or spirituality, I'm not concerned about that. But every life is special, yours included, however much it doesn't feel like that. This isn't an opinion, it's a fact, and if you can accept it, internalize it, even the darkest moments don't seem so bad. Simply by being alive you are connected to every other living thing, and the net worth of all living things isn't so bad. Humanity has its bad moments, but life, the Earth... it's positive energy. It's all good. </cliche>

[Aethera]

In light of Suicide Awareness Week/Month, I've been talking to a lot more people a lot more honestly about myself and things I've learned over years fighting chronic pain and depression. It may not be the wisest move, but I finally posted a blog offering to share if it might help anyone. I'd like to think ten years of experience has some lessons that extend beyond just me. I wrote down my thoughts in that post, so if it interests you, I'd encourage you to read that rather than clutter this thread. I'd want to take any discussions off site because I don't think I'd be able to remain on the site unscathed if any random person could read the frank version of some parts of my life, it's not pretty. I'm willing to share, but I'm not an idiot.

And, in light of the same Suicide Awareness, I'd like to point out that my offer still stands to any member of this site, if you need someone to talk to, someone to listen, I'm here. Don't lose hope, you're not as alone as you may feel.

[moozuba]

I've been lurking/semi-following this thread since I first joined the site back in February and doggius's comments above about the way men deal with their feelings triggered some thoughts that, for whatever reason, I felt compelled to share. To summarize before the fact, my depression these days tends to manifest as anger and it took me a really long time to recognize this and begin to deal with it as depression rather than blaming the situations and people I was angry at.

 

I struggled with major depression (clinical) through late elementary, secondary school and much of college. I was severely bullied in school and my family moved a lot, which meant I didn't have a very strong support network in any of the places we lived. It led to a lot of psychosomatic illness (mainly migraine-style headaches) which only fed the condition. Now I'm married with a 3-year-old, two part-time jobs and a very opinionated mother-in-law. I haven't had a full-fledged migraine in over five years. I honestly thought I was done with depression, but what I found was that the more responsibility I took on, the more prone I was to anger. I was always a pretty gentle, mild-mannered kid and never entertained revenge fantasies and the like toward my abusers at school, but after graduation (and the wedding) I began to have some disturbing dreams about hurting (punching, striking with objects, in one case curbstomping) some of my more intense childhood abusers. I was an "adult" now with a wife to care for and a job to do and while the dreams were unsettling, I didn't see clearly that my depression -- resulting from the shame and guilt (isn't it wonderful how the abused can still feel guilty about being abused?) I still carried in my heart and subconscious mind -- was manifesting itself differently in my adult self than it had in my younger self.

A pattern of anger developed. I never did anything arrest-worthy (no spousal abuse here), but I raised my voice more than I would like, clenched my fists, even punched walls or doors sometimes. I would blow up over stupid, little things and even as I was expressing my outrage, I knew I was wrong and that what I was saying and doing were stupid and misdirected. I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I assumed it was the responsibilities of adult life and that I simply wasn't coping -- that is to say, I didn't think I was cut out to be an adult. As a result, I went through a number of crappy jobs because my heart just wasn't in the work (I hated every job for various reasons and felt anger toward those who expected me -- a college graduate with a keen intelligence and high-level skill set -- to do menial labor) and I actively avoiding having children even though my wife dearly wanted to start a family because I didn't think myself suitable to raise them. I even got to the point with my inward-turned rage that I considered taking my own life. It took FIVE YEARS of living with this residing fury and hatred before I read something... I don't even recall where... probably an article on CNN.com... which suggested that men often manifest depression through anger rather than tears. I guess it's easier for (some of) us to fly into a rage over the confusing muddle of emotions we feel than to actually express them with words.

Something about this seemed (and, indeed, was) so RIGHT. I couldn't focus my anger or even understand it because I wasn't angry at circumstances... I wasn't angry at individuals... I was angry because I was depressed. Everything seemed dark and hopeless and pointless -- just like it had back in my school years -- but I was "responsible" now, with a family and a job and I couldn't just shut down the way I used to... and I resented that. I resented it so very very much that it channeled my depression into rage and made me an unpleasant, unpredictable and unreliable person.

I kept looking for depression as sullenness and migraines, but the changing nature of my life had forced me out of that mold and into a different one. The depression hadn't gone away, it had just channeled itself into a different outlet. Realizing that my anger was the result of an undiagnosed depression was the first (and greatest) step toward healing. I'm very happy to say that after seeking treatment, I have today two (albeit part-time) steady jobs, a much happier wife and a beautiful little boy. I still get angry... and I still get down in the dumps, but I can only imagine where this path might have led if that simple connection between anger and depression hadn't been made. I see so many angry, rage-spouting people and I cannot help but wonder... what are they really angry about?

Final note: Glancing back at this, it seems more cathartic than clinical, so I'm placing it in spoiler tags for those who care to read past the tl;dr version above. Either way, thanks for letting me write this all down and for giving a safe, friendly space to do so. Cheers to all of you who have been brave enough to share your struggles. May you all find joy and peace in life.

[Coelubris]

This thread was mentioned to me by a couple of my friends here on RPGX, and I came along to poke my nose through it. So here are a couple comments:

1. THANK YOU FOR THIS THREAD.
2. Those of you who are here, I give you my warmest wishes that things will improve, some how, some way, some day.
3. For those like me, who read it, and go 'Wow, I am not alone in feeling like the world is too much', we are blessed to be able to find this thread.
4. For those who are not speaking up: Don't be afraid. No judgment here.

I've been fighting with depression problems since I was in middle school. I was told, all my life, by my mother, that I was the 'manic depressive of your generation', and that I should 'just get over things'. Being suicidal before hitting junior high school isn't something to recommend, but I've been there. There can be a great many factors that influence depression, but sometimes, the factors hit, and then set things off. I'm skipping a lot of details here, but suffice it to say, I've been on antidepressants. They can really help, but one also needs to be certain that the doctor monitoring one is doing their job. My doctor was not, and it has given me a lifelong complication due to the medication I was on. So yes, they can help, but they can also hurt if the doctor you are being monitored by does not pay close attention to all the side effects and how that medication is affecting you.

[Aethera]

@moozuba: I, too, didn't recognize my anger as depression, but I've since learned better. Nowadays I tend toward tears when it gets too much, because anger tends to fan the flames, and take more energy than I can afford to waste.

@Coelubris: Welcome to our little corner of the site. In a convoluted way I wish there weren't as many of us hanging out here, but that's more a desire for a shiny idyllic world, not a desire to get rid of you all. I think we've got a great site, and a great corner to commiserate in.

[AgentBonkers]

Yeah, I'm not very good with the sharing thing myself in most contexts, but it is nice to have this thread around [even if just to lurk in].

Also, Coelubris, I definitely agree - no horror stories here, but based on my experiences I'd definitely recommend doing your own research on anything a doc prescribes, bring up any concerns to them and/or other medical doc if it feels necessary etc. Mental health professionals can vary greatly in terms of their...competence, for lack of a better word. They definitely don't always know better than you about whats going on with your body.

At this point my current one even seems to agree with my assessment that nothing really works for me, and just gives me stimulants for my other(adhd) issues, which is what it is, but in general, and I don't know if its been posted upthread, I've found this website to be a rather accurate, realistic source of information on all kinds of meds, if one chooses to try going that route. Forum people are helpful too.

[Admin Dirk]

Wow, good thread.

I am not sure if depression has "survivors" like other diseases, but I like to think of myself as a survivor.

I will just add my two cents to all of you out there suffering: It CAN get better. However, the path isn't easy, and you may need professional help (I did) and pharmaceuticals (I did). Please, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. I did, and she changed my life, totally.

I finally understood that how I thought of myself, my life, my relationships was all screwed up. She helped me get my thinking straight, and with some medication to get the chemistry straight, I survived.

It's been nearly 15 years since I made the phone call that put me on the path to help, I am so thankful that I did, that I picked up a phone and asked for help. It hasn't been easy, but it has been great.

[Carmac]

I think this is an awesome thread to have on this site. I've not posted in here before but have lurked, and am glad that there is a place here for sufferers to post. I'm not really sure what I'm on here to say so I hope you can forgive me if I ramble incoherently for a bit ....

I've coped / lived with depression for as long as I can remember, and I think back to when I was 11 when I first had what I would class as a suicidal thought. I think back at that time I attributed it to a phase I went through of being bullied at school, but in hindsight I guess that still doesn't answer a lot of what went on.

I would kindly label my life so far as a "train wreck", I won't bore you all with the details but lets just say that I've had a few problems with various disorders, been on meds for a large stretch (I had a doctor who would literally throw valium at me - happy days). I have good days and I have bad days - unfortunately they tend to be along the extremes of both moods, there's never any middle ground with me . Generally, whenever I've had to make a choice in my life its invariably been the wrong one. I can't even really look back anymore and say "I wish I had done this or that or something else", its been and done with now, I made the choices and I roll with the consequences.

But still, I find a lot of solace in this site, and a lot of comfort in my writing (although I probably tend to delve a bit too deeply into my characters's psyche - I'm a walking psych case ).

Its good to see that so many people can open up, its an inspiration for me, and good to know and reach out to others sufferers too .

Anyway, enough of my random rambles for now....

[Le Noir Faineant]

Reading this thread, saddening. Be well, all.

Just one thing: In our day-to-day semantics, many of us mistake "being in a bad situation" for "depression".

That's a good thing, actually. "Depression" is something that needs medical treatment.
"Being in a bad situation", you will overcome, through hard work, luck, and time, eventually. Like, think of that scene in Avatar when the alien with the human soul jumps onto the dragon.

Just a heads-up. I am nobody to judge how anybody else should feel. I am just saying, don't give up on yourselves.

[Le Noir Faineant]

Gaah, you pulled me in. I come here very seldomly, so maybe I should contextualize my last statement:

I have done a lot of crap in my life. Attacked ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate, you know.

Bad stuff. Vain stuff. stupid stuff. Plain ****ing evil stuff. But for some good luck, I am still alive and kicking.

Sometimes along the way, I realized that life will take everything from you, unless you are willing to fight for every inch of it.

So, I started fighting for what I wanted. That has scarred me more than anything else; but it's gradually taking me to where I want to be, or so I hope.

The lesson I think I have learned is pretty simple: When things start hurting, that's not the end of it. That's the start. But, if you're lucky, somewhere along the way, the hurting will stop, and you will get where you want to.


Not sure if it's appropriate, but I felt like I wanted share that. Take care, all.

[AgentBonkers]

yeah, in my experience the two often less than distinct. when difficult things happen and your are depressed and it makes it even harder to deal with them so they just get worse, and i guess there the whole 'fight for what you want' idea makes the most sense. for me it has also always been...even in the best moments, the times I've been most satisfied and achieved exactly what I wanted to achieve, a part of me felt just as badly as in the difficult times. The same couple weeks I was finishing my undergrad honors thesis and graduating from college with a lovely GPA and blah blah I was also climbing onto my roof in the wee hours of morning repeatedly, debating whether to just jump off. My own most self-destructive tendencies... even when I was traveling abroad and enjoying myself etc... still doing those stupid things all the while. And then you can train yourself away from bad behaviors in response to the feelings, stop the worst of the bad habits but the depression just remains.

Which is to say, Not trying to dispute the idea of not giving up, and kinda feel maybe this is a pointless bummer post but just, my personal experience is more 'learn to live around it', I guess?
And of course, it is important to appreciate the good things you do have or that may happen. :]

[OllieNorth]

I've been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I've found myself in a pretty good spot with a decent job and a loving wife and 1-year-old son. Despite all that, I've been feeling pretty down lately, and I realized I had fallen back into an old cycle. For whatever reason (frankly, probably weight this time around) I had been getting depressed and like I have as an adult, I channeled that into a certain "f*** the world" attitude. Some scheduling things have changed at work and I found myself getting really worked up about them in the whole 'you can't do this to me' type way. I was grumping to my wife about it and suddenly realized that I was doing it over nothing. The conscious realization enabled me to let it go and just say 'hey, it is what it is, not everything always works out.' Lately, I have found myself able to do this more often, and it helps me avoid longer periods of depression.

Moral of the story: Keep examining your reactions to things. If you find yourself doing that same old thing you've always done when it gets bad, ask yourself why. Even if you can't figure it out, often just examining it will break you out of that spiral. Good luck all, great to have this thread!

[Aethera]

Thanks for that observation, Ollie, I know I do the same thing but I don't think I've ever put it into words, so at best it's an unconscious process. Falls through more often than not, of course. My latest was about the weather... I look forward to the fall because the humidity drops and I can enjoy nature again. I had to kick myself for whining about this, that, and the other thing that were keeping me from going outside as I'd hoped. Rationalizing only serves so well when you rationalize your bad traits as well as the good ones.

[Cornfed]

Awesome thread! Mad props to everyone who posted positive comments and their own life stories here. Now I ain't an expert and I ain't a therapist and I ain't someone to get internet support from, but I can comment on my own experience. Basically all I know is that as long as your doing something creative in every aspect of your life (whether thats posting on DnDonlinegames or building skyscrapers or taking photos or whatever) then you don't be depressed. Also believe in something, whatever you want! At least that's how I deal with it.

Again much respect for everyone that posted positive stuff here on this thread! I am sending as many good vibrations as I can your way guys!

MUCH LOVE <3 <3 <3