Mental Health Support Thread

[hvg3akaek]

My wife's a psychologist, so I had known of them beforehand, but looking them in session, and working out which clicked with me (all or nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, and self blame). They are something I need to add to a cheat sheet, to better be aware of them in day-to-day life!

[Noghri Sloth]

Yeah, I just came back to the thread just to read that link again. Love it Medesha, thank you. Added it to the intro post.

[Grenadier]

Originally Posted by Medesha

Finding out that I'm not graduating in May is a huge pisser though.

A little advice between old friends, but don't let that get you down. Graduation is not about intellect but rather bureaucracy. The real thing to learn is not the academic content but sheer tenacity. You are fully capable of graduating, and when you do you'll be a fresh graduate that is already a published author.

[OllieNorth]

Just wanted to poke my head in guys, I'm an old sufferer of depression, and I have a number of stories suggestions if anyone has any questions. I'll read back through as I can.

[Digorig]

I wrote this today...Seems appropriate here.

Am I All Alone: What is Mental Illness and Disability?

 

Some people think Mental Illness is just people being lazy. Some people believe people are food stamps should just get a job. Some people don’t understand the Disabled; let me help.

I joined the Navy on my 17th birthday and served my country for 5 years. I attended Nursing School and also spent a year training as a Paramedic. I worked to help people, to save lives for many years. I learned Computer skills, and taught them to others. I became a Fire Chaplain to help those at a time of loss. In all that time taxes were taken from my check, just like yours. Social Security Tax was one of them. In the 30+ years I worked, I paid over $126,000* just in Social Security tax. Remember that number.

But my life changed. My hours were cut and I was depressed. I started to have blackouts. One day I fell and fractured my skull – the physical recovery took over a year, but my brain never recovered. I developed a rapidly progressive arthritis, even though I was only 45. And I found out I was a Diabetic. I finally was convinced to file for disability (SSD- Social Security Disability). I had been against it for some time. I wanted to work, to be productive – to be a man. The meager unemployment ended but my bills were still there. After almost a year my disability was declined. I tried to find work, but was unable to do so. With the economy bad, no one wanted to hire a liability.

My vehicles were repossessed. My family had to go without many things, and I could do nothing about it. Savings was gone. I was evicted from my apartment and had to ask a friend to let us stay in a spare bedroom. I had to go on Food stamps to eat and got $200.00 a month for that. And I looked for a job. Another two years went by and I have no idea how I survived except for the charity of others. I was disillusioned and distraught and thought about ending my own life. Someone helped me reapply for SSD and finally almost a year later it was approved; just over $1,000.00 a month to live on. With that high an income my food stamps went down to under $100.00 a month. $1,100.00 a month to live on.
Flash forward: I now live in Disability Housing. The rent is $300.00 a month, but at least I can pay my bills, eat and function. Sort of. Here is a typical day for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awake in pain after perhaps 4 or 5 hours of restless sleep. My dreams are vivid and often disturbing. I always have joint pain; every hour of every day. This morning my hips scream at me as I sit up to get out of bed. I have to focus to bend my fingers from their stiffness so I can get up. I have no reason to shower so I don’t, even though I can’t remember my last one.

It takes me some time to put on some sweat pants that were given to me because of the pain bending my legs. Once I manage I head to the kitchen and make coffee. I love coffee. In the Navy I drank a pot a day. While it brews I wash a few dishes, but after five minutes my back is having spasms and I have to sit down. I get a cup of coffee and take my first pill. I can’t take any pain pills until I eat.

After I sit for 30 minutes and drink half of my cup of coffee I have to use the rest room. I have chronic diarrhea all the time; it’s a side effect of my medications and I must use the bathroom 5 or 6 times a day. Today it’s worse so the other half of my coffee goes down the drain. I take another pill and have to sit down again.

Thirty minutes go by, and suddenly I am nauseated. I know why because it happens a few times a week. My blood sugar is low and I have to eat quickly. On my way to the kitchen I don’t quite make it. I have dry heaves for several minutes. Finally I get a slice of bread and eat it and soon I start to feel better. Now my back and hips are on fire from bending over to puke. I have to sit again, but I still have to eat. I roll my $5.00 used desk chair into the kitchen and have make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Back to my table and I take 6 more pills.

After sitting for 30-45 minutes I have to stand so my hips don’t stiffen too much. When I do my back reminds me I need pain pills. I get five Ibuprofen. It’s more than anyone should take, but for me it’s a mild dose; 1000MG. I should take narcotic pain pills, but I refuse to do so because I don’t want to get addicted to them. I go back and sit down. It’s 8 AM and I have taken 12 pills so far.

I spend the next 3 or 4 hours sitting and standing to balance the pain. I try to write or read but cannot focus. There are two more trips to the bathroom and two more pills.

The heat has been on, but now I am too warm and open a window. In an hour I will be too cold so I want to put on socks and realize I forgot to put on my slippers. Since I can’t feel my feet, my wife has to look at them for me. I must have stepped on something because there is some blood. She has to clean it and use antibiotic so I don’t get an infection. If I do I can lose my feet
.
When she does that, she cleans my big toe with a toothbrush. It got infected about two months ago and still has not healed. I was in the hospital for that with IV Antibiotics then pills for ten days after. It was good that we saw it right away. By the time I got to my doctor the whole tow was bright red. The doctor sent me to the hospital for it. By then it was red up to my ankle. I was lucky that time.

Now noon and I have to eat again before I get sick. I forgot my Insulin and my wife has to get the needle ready; my hands are too stiff today to do it. I eat some leftovers, beans with bread that a neighbor made me. I have to put my feet up now because they are swollen and I can’t walk without my cane. With nothing to do so my mind goes to dark places. I hear a plane fly by and think it may crash and kill me and I start to cry. My wife gives me a pill for the anxiety. It makes me fall asleep for a couple hours.

When I waken I am in a fog. My body is sore from falling asleep in the recliner that was given to me. I have to take more pain pills, but this time four Tylenol. If I take too much Ibuprofen it will damage my kidneys. Of course too much Tylenol damages my liver.

3 PM and I have a snack to keep my Blood sugar up; a bowl of cereal. Back to the bathroom again and then back to my chair. Another couple hours go by; sitting and standing and another trip to the bathroom. My wife makes some chicken and rice since I am too sore to cook. She adds a touch of pepper, but it’s too much for my. My heartburn goes nuts and I take more pills. My chest will burn for several more hours.

Two more trips to the bathroom; this is not a good day. I take another pill and put my feet up again because they are still swollen. I am too cold now so we shut the windows and turn on the heat again. I worry about the utility bills and my mind wonders if I will die tonight. I want to think of happy things like my children, but my memory is broken from my head injury and I can’t think. A few hours go by and I am thankful that I could stay out of the bathroom that long. Time for more pills.

I have to eat something so I can take evening pills; just four of them tonight. My wife remembers my insulin so I take another shot. A quick test of my blood sugar and it’s over 300, so I take extra Insulin. Too hot now so we turn off the heat and turn on the AC. I should sleep but I can’t because my mind is racing. I won’t take another pill because of how they make me feel; lost and out of control. Instead I try and watch the TV, but the show has a child in it and I cry.

I finally start to get sleepy. My mood sings the other way and I think how blessed I am. I have a loving wife, a roof over my head, food on the table. So many others have so much less. I check my email and see that my check for next month is in; $1,008.00 of government money – or is it?

Remember that number? I paid $126,000* in Social Security taxes. That was me paying for my first ten years of SSD. I don’t get government money; I am just getting my own money back. And that does not include the interest the government earned on my money.

Sleep comes around 2 AM. I awake in pain after perhaps 4 or 5 hours of restless sleep…

*Simple Math: My average income was $50,000 a year. 25% of that ($12,500) is taxes. 35% of that (about $4200) is Social Security tax. $4200.00 x 30 years of work is $126,000.00

[Medesha]

Thank you for sharing that, Digorig.

[Digorig]

[Aethera]

I appreciate that you have the guts to write that down, Digorig... I have tried several times but never really managed to do it. I don't think my attempts even made it past scratch paper. Never where anyone could see them.

[Digorig]

I discovered some time ago just how therapeutic writing is. Several years ago I had a major crisis of faith so I started writing. Notes, tidbits at first. two years later it evolved into my first book.

I encourage anyone with depression or other disorders of the mind to write. Even if no one ever see's it but you.

Thank you Aethera

DiG

[Aethera]

I find writing therapeutic also, however I tend to then get more depressed when I'm too tired/in pain to be able to focus on it. So it goes both ways. My novels have sat half-finished in a pile for a long time now.

[Digorig]

Balance. It's all about balance. If I may share two poem I wrote some time ago.

One Year

31,536,000 seconds and we age one year,
Time never to be replaced,
Things we did and did not do,
All the happiness and all the fear.

525,600 minutes and we age one year,
Edging closer to our demise,
Finite things to see and love,
To touch and to hear.

8,760 hours and we age one year,
The choices that we made,
Remaining safe behind our masks,
Or risk shedding a tear.

365 days and we age one year,
Following a narrow path,
Steady and acquiescent did we stay,
Or off the trail did we veer.

52 weeks and we age one year,
Our youth falls far behind,
Activities we much enjoyed,
Now too much to bear.

12 months and we age one year,
The people we have met
The places we have gone
The faces we did wear.

4 seasons and we age one year,
Life now so expeditious,
The future becomes blurred
And the past becomes so dear.

By Warren W. June 2011

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today

Morning grows across the sky,
the dawn of a new day,
sunlight breaks amidst the clouds,
a guest unresolved to stay.

The lakes surface shimmers blissfully,
with a calmness all its own,
and helps my mind to settle,
as I sit there all alone.

Decisions drench my mind,
Like a storm filled with rage,
Torrents of emotions,
Trapped within this cage.

So many years together,
Seldom were we apart,
Now crashing down upon me,
Engulfing my spirit, my heart.

Today I have chosen,
Painful as it may be,
To start my life over,
For now I am free.

The pain of duplicity,
Always mine to bear,
Forgiveness seems to distant,
As my eyes fill with tears.

I can stay in deep depression,
Thoughts too heavy to weigh,
Or choose to live a life,
That shall begin today.

Warren W. May, 2011

[Gath]

So I was just sent an article that I thought was an entertaining read. It's a response to an article called 21 Habits of Happy People. Naturally, for someone struggling with depression or some of the other diagnoses that have been mentioned here, this list can be somewhat laughable or even, well, I'll let the author of the response article explain his take on things. (FYI there is a bit of language here in the beginning.) 21 Tips to Keep Yourself Together When You're Depressed

[Aethera]

Thank you, that article made me smile. I too suffer from the Happy People epidemic, and this rebuttal seems like exactly what I needed. I may go on to write a blog about these or something... will edit with a link if I do.

... now I'm going to go read the idiots'-response-to-angry-rage link posted at the bottom because I was afraid to read that before writing anything here.

[SlashEdgewind]

 

Finished Post came back to top: I've spoilered this because I don't want to take up a lot of space unnecessarily and the slight irony involved in minimizing this post is somewhat amusing to myself.

I've literally just sat here, staring at the reply box on this thread for the past 30 minutes, finding myself completely incapable of putting out words, regardless of whether they're in my head or not. I mean I would just think words, and I'd think "well, might as well put that in there" and find myself incapable of moving my hands to the letters to do so. Partially because this is a serious topic and I'm never very good at those, and partially because I'm fighting the urge constantly to erase anything I'm typing and just walk away from this thread. Even now, these sentences which are at best self-referential and little to do with the topic are a struggle to keep on the screen.

I mean, first and foremost, all of you here have my moral support, for whatever little amount it's worth, as the best I can do.

I'm practically screaming in my own head that I should just leave it at that, that my problems, whatever they may be, are miniscule and don't need to be shared. That I feel like a damned whiner for no reason, it's not like life has dealt me a shitty hand, no life dealt me a pretty good one, I'm just an awful player, and shouldn't even discuss it because it's my own fault. But I am completely aware that these are symptoms of something, what the proper title is I can't say, I don't want to claim depression though. But BECAUSE I'm aware, that thought is then screamed at the other negative thoughts, which then respond in kind, and it just swirls around in my head, I mean I have literally felt like the inside of my head was burning and spinning when it comes to these kind of thought patterns and I can't control them when they happen.

I have never really wanted anything *sure material goods are occasionally wanted but, well, that's not what I mean*, I don't know if that's common or rare or not. I mean, I keep imagining everyone when at least they were little had always wanted to do SOMETHING, even if it was unrealistic. I never even had that, I've felt basically most of my life "wellp. I'm alive I guess. So.. there's that.". I have no idea what to do with my life, other then hope to find a decently paying job that I can tolerate, grow old and die. Really that's the best I can hope for, is find something tolerable.

I don't really recall ever feeling happy when I was younger, I'm not sure if that's just because I wasn't, or if I'm just an idiot at interpretation of my own emotions.

Agh, even now I'm having trouble getting this out, I don't want to sound like "oh woe is me" because I'm just apathetic and sharing doesn't make me feel better I'd rather find you all feeling better that would be much better and this doesn't help YOU and since it doesn't seem to help ME why am I doing it. I find the only reason I'm going on is because the part of me that actually finds itself willing to share would be ashamed at the rest of me for staying quiet, while the rest of me is currently very ashamed of the part of me willing to share. Am I even doing this right? Just listing my thoughts out? Now I just wonder if I should feel stupid.

I guess the worst part of it is, is that, since I don't want anything out of life, and really have no plans or desire to have children or a family, I don't really see a point to being alive. WHICH IS NOT TO SAY I'M SUICIDAL. I'm definitively not. I will never ever, EVER consider that. Because despite the fact that I don't really care whether I'm alive or dead, the people who care about me DO, and I care about THEM, and I would never find it in my power to willingly do something to hurt them that way. I don't engage in self harm, I don't drink excessively *maybe like, a beer or two in a week, just for beverage variety really.* or use drugs or any of that. I DO lose myself in the internet and the various things it has to offer admittedly.

But then, I'm just alive then, because other people on some level want me to be, and while I don't REALLY hold it against them, in my mind I'm alive because I have no damn choice, and there's nothing I really want out of life. Are there things that would be neat? sure! But I don't really feel myself thinking "and that's how my life should be, that's what I need to do."

I don't know, I'm blathering on. This whole thing just feels like self-pitying tripe and I should just remove it *ESPECIALLY considering the amount of it talking about removing itself* I think I'm going to just cut off here before I write a War and Peace length post consisting of my spin cycle thought process.

And if this is not the purpose of the thread, to just, post whatever like this, I apologize. Perhaps secretly even to myself I hope that someone will go "well durr, you have this" and I'll be like "ah yes of course." not that I'm actually capable of deciding if that's true or not. Honestly I read over it and it seems like I'm using his thread and it's viewers as impromptu therapists or something and I'm so ashamed the only reason I'm not erasing it is because I'm trying to at least fight one basic powerful instinct of mine by leaving it up. dear GOD but do I go on.

[CraftyCactus]

DiG, thank you for your story, gumption, and inspiration. I won't forget.

N.B. Your story is safe, but the wisdom is immortal.