[Private] On the Block - Kamen

[Kamen]

DescriptionBlood and purple venom oozes from Slyter's collar bone, his Motive?body aching already from the spreading of the spiders excretions flowing through his veins. ActionBreathing in through gritted teeth he hisses, showing his aggression as he redoubles his pain into determination, almost convinced that his hissing is actually able to Hookcommunicate with the spider. Toeing his way slowly around the massive beast he looks it over once more, assessing its size and reach with the new knowledge of its surprising speed and massive strength. Maybe its time for a change of tactics.

Using his circling Slyter maneuvers trying to slowly lure it forward far enough to get the couch behind it, that way when he makes his sudden advance he is able to block off its escape route and use the environment to his best possible advantage.

[DAquilina]

I believe you missed the mark on this one. Remember what each of the elements is trying to accomplish:

A DESCRIPTIVE element gives the DM and the other players information about your character that reminds them of your role and keeps them engaged. The fact that Slyter is bleeding doesn't really accomplish this.

A HOOK is a call to action for other players to step in and keep things rolling. In combat, hooks are generally limited because every player already has a role or strategy in mind, though parties with a great deal of cohesion use hooks to develop strategies on the fly. For example, a cleric may use his standard action to cast enlarge person on the party's barbarian, who can use that as a hook to rush in and deal more damage. In this case, you haven't mentioned any other characters, and so there isn't likely to be a hook at all.

An ACTION element is something that the character does to advance the story in some way. In combat, this just constitutes taking your turn, so you describe the actions that you're using -- even if they're only free actions like talking. "Breathing in through gritted teeth" is definitely something that Slyter did, but it has no bearing on the world or the characters that populate it, so it doesn't constitute a narrative element.

A MOTIVE element describes why your character took the actions is did. You don't always need a motive; sometimes it's obvious. If your action is to cross the road, everyone assumes that you simply needed to get to the other side (or, if you're a chicken, it spawns a debate for years to come). "His body aching" is a decent motive for something like fleeing (as he does not wish the pain to worsen or continue), but the action here (circling around to use the couch's position to his advantage) is not supported by it. The motive would be that he is preparing for an advance in the next round.

Also be cognisant of your grammar. I'll toss in a quick lesson on punctuation that I've prepare once we're done with this one, as I think it will be useful for you to read.

In the meantime, try rewriting this passage. I've given you a breakdown of the narrative elements that you included here, so I want you to include and highlight those same elements in the rewrite. I also want you to change just one of the elements I discussed, in whatever way you deem appropriate.

For reference, the existing elements as I see them:

• "Showing his aggression" - descriptive
• "Toeing ... around"/"Circling" - action
• "Block off its escape"/"when he makes his sudden advance" - motive
• Note: One could also argue that thinking he is able to communicate with the spider and taking the time to reassess his tactics count as descriptive elements, as they do give some degree of insight into the character's mindset

[Kamen]

The DescriptivePaladin of Corellon Larethian reels sideways, a short burst of blood actiongushing from his collar bone where the fangs of the spider pierced his descriptionsilvery blue Mythril Breastplate. Using his momentum he spins to his right, each step carrying him farther away until he roots himself, his stance sinking low and shield held high to guard his neck. MotiveAnger and pain seethes out of his mouth through gritted teeth in a hiss, a sound that could convince anyone else that he was actually attempting to communicate with the spider in its own language. actionSwaying his blade slowly side to side he watches the spiders reaction, doing his best to Hookassess his opponents tenacity now that he has been fully involved in this fight.

Judging the distance from himself to the furniture and the surrounding environment Slyter Actionmaneuvers his body into what he feels could be the best angle to push the advantage, a table and its chair placed just hookbehind its many legged frame leaving little room for the spider to back up with.

[DAquilina]

You're still a bit off on actions, but that was close. Remember, an action must further the plot or move the story/situation forward in some way. "Maneuvers his body" is correct, because it's an action that you are taking to interact with the situation, and mechanically you need a move action to do so. Bleeding and idly moving his sword side to side are natural consequences of the situation itself, and Slyter is not consciously taking those actions as a means of progression. The key takeaway here is that a verb is not necessarily an action. Intent matters.

Also pay close attention to your hooks. "Assessing his opponent's tenacity" doesn't really do anything to draw in other players or NPCs. If you accompanied it with some manner of roll (perception, knowledge check, etc) then it might constitute an action element, but it's certainly not a hook. "Behind its many-legged frame" also just serves to describe the spider, and does nothing to invite action from another character.

I will say, however, that your identifying of the descriptive elements was spot on. You didn't really complete the challenge I described at the end of my last post, but that's fine. We'll move on with a new passage.

Exercise 1.3

Rewrite the post using any number of the four elements. Remember you can add characters or concepts to fit your vision, and that I expect you to identify where and how the elements you've included are used.

The post Gregor looked around the room suspiciously. There didn't seem to be anywhere for a creature to hide. He slowly climbed the stairs and examined the door to determine what kind of material it was made of, what kind of key it might take, and if he could see any traps.

[Kamen]

Gregor's yellow predator eyes, lined with a small ring of gold giving them a glint that rivals the most appealing eyes you can imagine, scan the room in search of what ever is giving him that weird tingling sensation in his lower spine. There didn't appear to be anywhere for anything to hide behind save for a leather lounge chair backed up to a wall and an over turned table that is split in two as if someone much to heavy body slammed it. Walking to the far wall he progresses up the stairs cautiously, his eyes scanning ever so intently on each step before reaching the door.

Upon getting close enough to the door to touch it he taps on its surface, feeling the solidity of metal resisting his fingers. "Hmmm," With a flicking motion with his index finger he extends a single black hardened claw from the tip similar in essence to how a lion extends its claws. Scratching at the door he listens and watches its responce to his prying. Any metal softer than Adamantium will scratch but not let his claw dig in. Iron however will let the tip of his finger dig in about a quarter of an inch so he will get at least of a small idea of what he is dealing with. To think that after three weeks of work and an entire day of sneaking about he is about to get the biggest score as a 'cat' burglar that he has ever even thought of.

I tried to describe his apearance a little with the eyes and the claws giving him a more 'feral' look without making it too long. In hind sight it appears too short to me.

Action is where he searches the room and goes up the stairs.

Since there is no one in the room I didn't think that there is an actual hook that I can use so I left that one out.

[DAquilina]

So I think you nailed the descriptive elements -- the eyes of a predator; the slow, calculated movements that help outline his disposition. You can definitely get a feel for who your character is. The action is also good: searching the room is a totally valid use of your turn.

You've also hinted at the motive, though you didn't explicitly point it out (getting his biggest score).

As for the hook, the room is only empty because you wrote it that way. His party might be there with him, or the room might actually be full of others in plain sight. That's all up to your imagination.

You do need to work on your grammar a bit. The first sentence, while descriptive, is a bit of a run-on sentence, and the part about him gauging the door's material is definitely hurting for some variance in sentence structure. "Response" is also spelled with an "s."

We've got a few more exercises to go, so in this next one I want you to include a nice hook, in whatever form you think makes sense.

Exercise 1.4

The Post The elven sorceress stepped into the room cautiously, looking around to see if there were any surprises to be seen. She then closed her eyes and began to look for the things unseen, looking for magical auras of traps or treasures.

[DAquilina]

Hey sir! Just a gentle reminder that this exists. I'll be ready whenever you are

[Kamen]

Oh crap, I check this thread every day in my subscriptions for new posts. I must have missed your post. My bad. I need 2 hours then I can reply.

[Kamen]

The townspeople were scared, as such they should be, the thought that a werewolf could be in their midst scaring the senses back into the entire town and loosening the cinches on their pocketbooks. Pushing open the door to the small shack in the middle of town Myrril looks in, her elven eyes adjusting quickly to the darkened room, all the windows covered with boards and nails while small beams of light peal in. Taking her first step in her Myrril's face contorts to match the horrendous smell of rotting flesh and wasting bodies. On the single bed a mauled body rests, the flesh on its torso ripped to pieces and blackened with flies and spotted with maggots. Covering her nose she looks about, perhaps the room around her containing some other clues to the events that transpired here if not evidence of a struggle. The towns mayor payed her well, 300 gold pieces, to get back to them with answers as to what is going on in this nightmare of a week. Peoples bodies piling up all over to place as if wolves were stalking the streets at night. Closing her eyes she finishes an incantation, activating a spell stored in the space behind her eyes allowing her to see any type of magic that passed through the area like a fog and a fog there was. Through the entire room the blue fog, scented sweet like a chocolate to her nose, proves the towns peoples fears. A werewolf has been here, ravishing the body like a feeding tray. At the core of the body a single mote of light emanates the blue fog, similar to the glint of a candle. Walking over she covers her nose with one arm and reaches out with her free hand to dig the item free. Wrapping her finger around the object she twists it loose and holds its bloody shape up in the light. A fang...the fang of a Lycan. This will be the proof that the town needs to get a hunter here and clear this town of its curse.

[DAquilina]

Remember the purpose of the exercise: you need to highlight all of the narrative elements you've used! You're also missing the hook I asked for, and since you haven't used one yet I'm going to have to insist. Remember that the story is what you make of it, so your characters are alone only because you imagine they are. Try to draw in another character in some way, and don't be afraid to get creative! Note that you can also tie in details from "previous" posts from other players who acted earlier in the round, drawing from or describing those events/actions. You have a clean slate here, so you can do whatever you want. Just make sure those elements are present!

I should also point out that your grammar could use some work; lots of run-on sentences here, and you're missing a possessive ("The town's mayor"). Give that a quick once-over as you review your submission.

[DAquilina]

Hey sir! This is your friendly neighbourhood bump.

[DAquilina]

Hello again! Sorry, I've had a bunch of IRL stuff going on and I've been falling behind pretty heavily. But if you'd still like to continue, I'm ready to do so.