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  #1  
Old 02-06-2020, 01:44 AM
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Critique My Character Application!

Hi all,

I'm starting this thread as a place for players to post their character applications and obtain critiques on them from other RPG Crossing members.
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Last edited by telcontar; 02-06-2020 at 01:54 AM.
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Old 02-06-2020, 06:38 AM
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Please do critique away. I have no delusions that there are no improvement that could be made. I appreciate you taking the time to do so!
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Character Name: Keridan Gladewarder
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Race: Wood Elf
Class: Ranger
Background: Outlander
Personality 1: I have a lesson for every situation, drawn from observing nature.
Personality 2: I once ran twenty-five miles without stopping to warn my clan of an approaching ore horde. I 'd do it again if I had to.
Ideals1: Change. Life is like the seasons, in constant change, and we must change with it.
Ideals2:Greater Good. It is each person's responsibility to make the most happiness for the whole tribe.
Bonds: My family, clan, or tribe is the most important thing in my life, even when they are far from me.
Flaws: I am slow to trust members of other races, tribes, and societies.
Alignment: Not included, as requested.

Appearance: Keridan stands 5'11" and is sinewy and wiry of build. His somewhat handsome face has grey-green eyes, whom looks at the world with a determined stare. His tawny colored hair falls halfway down his back. A good portion of it in a fighting braid that helps to keep the rest of it out of his eyes, at inopportune moments. He is dressed in finely green dyed tanned deerskin clothing, leather armor and light boots(moccasins). With a green woolen hooded cloak. With a Longbow in left hand and a quiver of arrows over his shoulder, along with a backpack. Belted at his waist is a plain but serviceable longsword in it's scabbard. Along with a hand axe and a large sheathed hunting knife. With a circular shield attached to his backpack, across his back. Which can be swiftly detached to use with his longsword in hand to hand combat. That is if any foe still living can get close enough to do so!

Personality: The Wood Elf is the quiet observant type. Usually only speaking if he has something worth saying. Not just to fill the silence. Though he can be assertive, when the situation calls for such. Once in awhile, when he is with those he likes and in a festive situation. He'll let his hair down a bit, so to speak.

Backstory: Keridan was unjustly exiled for ten years from his Wood Elf Clan and the eight other interrelated and allied semi-nomadic Wood Elf Clans. Who's held sway over the distant great forest of Waesfaren, in which they dwelt. He had been framed for a crime he did not commit. By Gerin, their Clan Chieftain's second eldest son and his boot licking lackeys. The crime that he said to have commited was stealing the Clan's High Shaman's sacred necklace from around his neck while he slept. Then having done so, hide it among there own belongings to be easily found during a search of them? It is so obvious this was done because Valayvia, the fairest maiden of the Clan had chosen Keridan over Gerin, as her suitor. Gerin did not take the rejection very well and sought revenge. After a swift trail, guilty verdict and sentencing. Valayvia, said she would await Keridan return, even though her parents said that they would never allow her to marry someone such as him, if he ever returned. Ten years is a long time to wait, even for we Elves. The Wood Elf Ranger did the chivalrous thing and released her of any vow she did make him.
Upon leaving his forested home, he swore an oath to himself, that when he did return. He would do so having garnered much glory and riches during his exile. As he wandered, looking for a new purpose for his life. He hunted and snared game animals in the woodlands that he pasted through. Selling what extra game, along with animal skins and furs in the small settlements he came across along the way. It was in one such settlement that he spotted a tacked up notice. (See up above.) After which he headed straight to Westport to see if he could make a place for himself in Duke Pelaios's Expeditionary Force.

Last edited by Valornor; 02-06-2020 at 06:46 AM.
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Old 02-07-2020, 06:00 AM
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Keridan Gladewarder review
Ideals 2: You only need 1 ideal, but if you choose to use a second one, go ahead I guess

Appearance: Standing at 5'11" Keridan is one of a sinewy, wiry build. Greyish-green eyes peer past his chiseled face, staring down the world with a will of determination. His tawny colored hair cascades down his back, like a tangled copper waterfall; the unruliness kept in check only by a long braid, that helps to keep it from his eyes at inopportune moments. Keridan dresses in soft deerskin clothing; tanned, and dyed green like the foliage of his woodland home. A hooded green cloak, made from lambswool, a supple leather jerkin, and moccasins complete his attire. Comfort, and practicality, being more important to him than rigid observances to the trends of the rich city dwellers, or the gaudy Dwarves.

Normally you wouldn't include descriptions of your weapons and shield in your character's appearance, but I have worked it in just in case you really want it

A Longbow, and a quiver of arrows is slung over his shoulder, along with a shield strapped haphazardly to his backpack. Many belts wrap around his waist, holding a serviceable longsword, a handaxe, and a large hunting knife all within reach.


Personality: The Wood Elf is the quiet observant type. Usually only speaking if he has something worth saying, and not just to fill an awkward silence. Keridan can be assertive, when the situation calls for such action. Though occasionally he will let his hair down so to speak, when he is in good company, and enjoying himself.

Backstory: You had too many concurrent plot ideas going on here at once, it was a little messy and confusing, so i've done my best to streamline them

Keridan is in exile. Forced to remain apart for ten years from not only his Wood Elf Clan, but also from the eight other semi-nomadic Elvish Clans. Who hold sway over the distant great forests(?) of Waesfaren. Keridan was framed; accused of stealing the sacred necklace worn by his Clan's High Shaman while he slept. Then, apparently having done so, decided to hide it amongst his own belongings. It was so easily found during a search, that it was obviously a plant. Keridan suspected it to have been done by Gerin, the second eldest son of the Chief, in retribution for spurned love. Fair Valayvia was the finest of all maidens in the Clan, and she had chosen Keridan as her suitor. As Gerin did not take to rejection very well, he had sought his revenge, and it had worked beautifully. After a swift trial, the guilty verdict was delivered, and Keridan's sentence announced. Lovingly, Valayvia, said she would await Keridan's return, even as her parents declared that they would never allow her to marry someone such as him. Ten years is a long time to wait, however, even for the long lived Elves. So Keridan decided to do the chivalrous thing, and released her of any vows she had made him. Upon leaving his forest home, Keridan swore an oath to himself. That when he did return, he would have done so having gained enough glory and riches during his exile, that Valayvia's parents would change their minds. As he wandered, looking for a new purpose for his life, he hunted and snared game animals in the woodlands that he pasted through. Selling what pelts, and furs, he could to the small settlements he came across along the way. It was in one such settlement, that he spotted a notice. (See up above.) Which gave him a direction as to how to accomplish his goals. He headed straight to Westport, to see if he could find a place for himself in Duke Pelaios's Expeditionary Force.


Last edited by Alemar; 02-07-2020 at 06:00 AM.
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Old 02-08-2020, 12:03 AM
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Thank's Alemar, that was very helpful. I will take what you have said into consideration.
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Old 02-09-2020, 09:56 AM
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I have decided to leave my application as it is. Though in the future, when I'm likely to use this Character Concept again to apply to play in a game. I may well use some of the changes you suggested. Thank's again Alemar
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Old 02-10-2020, 01:14 AM
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Character Name: Zumric

Age: 25

Race: High Elf

Class: Warlock

Background: Sailor (Variant Pirate) I like a job well done, especially if I can convince someone else to do it. I never pass up a friendly wager. Aspiration. Someday I'll own my own ship and chart my own destiny. I was cheated out of my fair share of the profits, and I want to get my due. Once I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop.

Appearance: He is blond with steely gray-blue eyes.

He looks kind of like this.

Personality: Zumric is a fairly quiet person who keeps to himself and tries not to get attached to people. When he does make friends he is loyal to them unless they show that they aren't trustworthy. He has a strong hatred of Dwarves that he tries to keep concealed but it shows itself fairly often simply because he showed a clear distrust, suspicion, and anger towards them.

Backstory: Zumric was raised by a crew of Pirates from when he was seven. He has few memories of how he got there, all he knows is what the Captain told him. He was told that his parents were merchants that were killed when they were attacked by the crew. They would have killed Zumric if the Captain hadn't intervened on his behalf. The Captain then took Zumric under his wing and raised him as his own, teaching all he knew and encouraging him to become as great as he could be.
Zumric followed in the Captain's footsteps by becoming a pirate just like him. They were doing very well for themselves, they had anything they could want when disaster struck. The crew led by the Dwarfish second mate, Gralvor, a mutiny against the Captain killing him and all the other loyal crew members. They threw Zumric in the ocean for dead. Zumric was full of anger and as his life was slipping he made a pact with an otherworldly bean. The bean would save him and give him the strength to defeat his enemies and gain massive treasures in return for bringing the bean back to his former glory. Zumric has no idea who this bean is, he just knows that he will occasionally hear his voice in his head. After his vengeance, he simply wants to leave the oceans he formerly inhabited alone and settle down on his own farmhouse.


Can I get some reviews of this please and thank you.
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Old 02-13-2020, 07:07 PM
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Zumric reviewCharacter Name: Zumric
Age: 25
Race: High Elf
Class: Warlock

Background: Sailor (Variant Pirate) Pirate Warlock...interesting concept I like a job well done, especially if I can convince someone else to do it. I never pass up a friendly wager. Aspiration. Someday I'll own my own ship and chart my own destiny. I was cheated out of my fair share of the profits, and I want to get my due. Once I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop.

Appearance: He is blond with steely gray-blue eyes. Nothing on his build, length or style of hair, just seems a bit bare bones to me

He looks kind of like this. Picture is in the main thread, didn't see it at first

Personality: Zumric is a fairly quiet person who tends to keep to himself, and tries not to get too attached to people. When he does make friends, however, he is loyal to them until they show that they aren't trustworthy. He has a strong hatred of Dwarves, which he tries to keep concealed. But this mistrust shows itself fairly often, in his acts of suspicion, and outright hostility towards them. Considering there are quite a few Dwarven applicants in this game, that might become an issue...just saying

Backstory: Zumric was raised by a crew of Pirates from the age of seven, and he has precious few memories of how he got there. All he knows, is what his Captain told him. That his parents were merchants, and that they were killed, when they were attacked by the crew. The crew would have killed Zumric as well, if the Captain hadn't intervened when he did. The Captain (Does the captain have a name?) then took Zumric under his wing, and raised him as his own. Teaching all he knew to the young boy, and encouraging him to become as great as the Captain himself. Zumric followed in the Captain's footsteps, by becoming a pirate just like him.

They were doing very well for themselves; they could have had anything they ever wanted, when disaster struck. The deceitful second mate, a Dwarf named Gralvor, lead a mutiny against the Captain; killing him, and all of the other loyal crew members. Then, he threw Zumric into the ocean, sailing away, and leaving the Elf for dead. Zumric was filled with anger, and as his life was slipping he made a pact with an otherworldly being.(Unless he actually made a pact with a bean?) This being would save him, give him the strength needed to defeat his enemies, and grant both wealth, and powers, beyond measure. In return, Zumric would bring the being back to His former glory. Zumric has no idea who, or what, this being is. He just knows that he will occasionally hear it's voice in his head. After his vengeance is completed, Zumric simply wants to leave the oceans behind, and settle down with his own farmhouse. In your Background you chose Aspiration:Someday I'll own my own ship and chart my own destiny. which kind of goes against this ending

Last edited by Alemar; 02-13-2020 at 08:37 PM.
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Old 02-13-2020, 10:38 PM
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But this mistrust shows itself fairly often, in his acts of suspicion, and outright hostility towards them. Considering there are quite a few Dwarven applicants in this game, that might become an issue...just saying

Good catch! But, of course, it could be part of his character development if he is forced to be with a dwarf (or, heaven forbid, DWARVES) on the long boat ride.
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Old 02-14-2020, 05:14 PM
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Character Name: Blythe Skenny
Age: 19
Race: Tiefling
Class: Paladin (Trithereon)
Background: Urchin
Traits: I ask a lot of questions, I bluntly say what people are hinting at or hiding.
Ideal: All people rich and poor, deserve respect.
Bond: No one else should have to endure the hardships I've been through.
Flaw: People who can't take care of themselves get what they deserve.
Appearance: Blythe is tall and noticeably handsome. He carries himself with confidence and drive. His dark red skin and curved ram-like horns make him stand out in a crowd.
Personality: Blythe is a tiefling who is overwhelmingly comfortable in his own skin. He has no shame and doesn't think anyone else should feel shame either. He is always the loudest voice in a crowd but also the most reasonable.
Backstory: After a rough childhood on the streets alone, Blythe served 6 years as an accessory for murder. In prison, Blythe was taken under the wing of a particularly sentimental inmate who educated him and introduced him to religion. When his mentor died from illness, Blythe took his name in order to honor him. After a year of soul searching after the loss of his mentor, Blythe found Trithereon. Not just a god worth following, but one who spoke to him directly. Blythe emerged from prison with a new goal; To go on a pilgrimage of liberty to connect more strongly with Trithereon. As luck would have it Blythe could think of nothing as free as a whole new world.
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Old 02-15-2020, 12:13 AM
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Blythe Skenny Review
Really nice app, only a few small questions/changes I'd suggest here...
Character Name: Blythe Skenny
Age: 19
Race: Tiefling
Class: Paladin (Trithereon)

Background: Urchin Interesting choice rather than criminal, since he has spent such a large amount of his life in prison (and you didn't say he was wrongly accused)
Traits: I ask a lot of questions, I bluntly say what people are hinting at or hiding.
Ideal: All people rich and poor, deserve respect.
Bond: No one else should have to endure the hardships I've been through.
Flaw: People who can't take care of themselves get what they deserve.

Appearance: Blythe is tall, and noticeably handsome. He carries himself with an air of confidence, and particular determination. His dark red skin, and curved ram-like horns, make him stand out in a crowd.

Personality: Blythe is a tiefling who is overwhelmingly comfortable in his own skin. He has no shame and doesn't think anyone else should feel shame either. He is always the loudest voice in a crowd but also the most reasonable.

Backstory: After a rough childhood on the streets alone, Blythe served 6 years in prison for accessory to murder. If he was alone, who did he accessorize for? Does he know who the victim, or the killer was? While in prison, Blythe was taken under the wing of a particularly sentimental inmate, who educated him, and introduced him to religion. Was there a specific religion that Blythe Sr. introduced Blythe Jr. to? When his mentor died from illness, Blythe took his name in order to honor, and remember him. After a year of soul searching from the loss of his mentor, Blythe found Trithereon. Not just a god worth following, but one who spoke to him directly. When Blythe eventually emerged from prison, it was with a new goal. To go on a pilgrimage in hopes of connecting more strongly with Trithereon. And as luck would have it; Blythe could think of nothing more freeing than a whole new world to explore.
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Old 02-15-2020, 03:37 AM
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Thank you so much for your input, I have put it into effect.
Let me explain myself a bit.
I won't lie, the power-gaming side of me took hold when deciding what background to pick. I was deciding between criminal and urchin and the Criminal contact feature of the criminal background feels entirely useless if the character moves to a new (potentially uninhabited) continent. I think it's important to clarify that the background was the first decision I made, and I built his backstory around that decision.

The crime he was convicted for was that he was paid handsomely (for an urchin) to position himself outside a high profile store and keep track of all the people who went in and out. He wasn't aware that the people he identified were in any danger until the city guard arrived to arrest him. (5 dead, 4 wounded, 9,000gp stolen)

When it comes to his personality it's important (to me, at this moment) that his attitude is built around complete self-confidence bordering on vanity.

What I meant to convey by the "taking the name" was that Blythe had no last name and took the name Skenny.
Mr. Skenny educated Blythe out of complete illiteracy (by teaching him to read, write, and speak properly) and introduced him to the concept of religion which Blythe had never even conceived of until that point. When it comes to the language around him being released; Blythe got out of prison years early due to good behavior. His release was sudden and without warning.

I also described the new world as "free" because one of the domains of Trithereon is liberty. Which Blythe intends to encourage and enforce.

All the backstory I didn't include I decided was not relevant but I could be wrong.
Again thank you for your help, I am always happy to improve

 
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Old 02-15-2020, 05:58 PM
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updated app looks great to me fancyjellyfish
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