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  #676  
Old Dec 28th, 2021, 06:58 AM
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Take care, my friend.

Inre a marriage: Take the healthy path. I struggled to "save" a marriage, and nearly lost myself before I figured out that I was the only one putting energy into it. It was unhealthy for me to be the only one working for it, and it took me a long time to figure that out.

If two people are committed to making a marriage work, it will work. But don't tie yourself to the ship's engine and go down with it, just because you think it can still be fixed.
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  #677  
Old Dec 28th, 2021, 02:19 PM
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I want to believe we're both committed to fixing things. At least one of the fun symptoms of severe ADHD is I'm physically incapable of stopping myself from running through worst case scenarios in my head constantly, so if things don't shake out that way I might be in a better position to accept that reality... at the cost of painful mental turmoil.

I suppose that's my constant state anyway, so perhaps not much has changed.
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  #678  
Old Jan 4th, 2022, 02:27 AM
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Well, another year rolls in quietly. A little older, perhaps a little wiser. But it never really seems to make sense. A collection of mistakes to be pondered, and achievements to build upon. Personal growth is a slow burn that can be difficult to see from one's own point of view.

Feeling introspective on a melancholy Monday.

Hope everyone is staying safe.

Ray, I sincerely hope for the best.
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  #679  
Old Jan 8th, 2022, 12:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Admin Dirk View Post
Take care, my friend.

Inre a marriage: Take the healthy path. I struggled to "save" a marriage, and nearly lost myself before I figured out that I was the only one putting energy into it. It was unhealthy for me to be the only one working for it, and it took me a long time to figure that out.

If two people are committed to making a marriage work, it will work. But don't tie yourself to the ship's engine and go down with it, just because you think it can still be fixed.
I'm for this. It takes two to tango and when you feel like the other one is the stuck anchor, man or woman, you have to cut the chain.
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  #680  
Old Jan 8th, 2022, 01:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raylorne View Post
Iím not doing too hot right now, but Iím trying to stay positive.
Hope you do well. None of this easy. Thank you to everyone for sharing.
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  #681  
Old Jan 11th, 2022, 03:26 AM
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I'm a serious jerk, and I feel like I only pretend to act human. Poorly, at that.

I can't get into specifics here, but there are whole swaths of vocal people on the internet who I hate. Let's just say that social media was a mistake. False friends who I felt I had to fit in with to really belong or hell, to even feel like I'm not a bad person. But conversely, being disillusioned had only come back to haunt me. I keep seeing threats wherever I go. My sanity has deteriorated out of my sheer hatred, to where I act like some vulgar cartoon character every time I get triggered by certain topics.

I want revenge, plain and simple. I can't stop obsessing over not being good enough for them. I am jealous because specific people are better than me at everything I could've ever been -- at art, at my hobbies, at a career, and at being a functioning adult who can get along with others. Meanwhile my drawings suck despite drawing most of my life, I can't write or make hobby games to save my life, and I've been living off disability in a subsidized apartment because my brain doesn't ****ing work. I can barely handle a minimum wage job at best!

Oh yeah, and the hicks at the local social security office think I'm well enough to go back to work, so they're cutting my SSI and Medicare. Bastards. I won't know if my psych evaluation at the end of the month will even help. Every therapist I've been to in my adult life sucks at their job. Shoving pills down my throat and giving me cOpInG sKiLlS doesn't help, especially as none of them listen to my problems. There's too much built-up BS over the years to where weekly sessions aren't doing anything. The only thing keeping me sane are "emergency" anxiety pills that I wind up taking way more than I care to admit, and I need my current useless therapist to even get them.

Oh, I'm sure I'm looking for a proper scapegoat to take my anger out on, too. Being bullied my whole life is the tip of the iceberg. Doesn't help that my parents collected my social security and paychecks, without ever wanting me to leave their home, ever since I became an adult and joined the work force. For them I'm either a regular person or a complete invalid, whatever fits their goddamn narrative at the time. Doesn't help that my mother absolutely ignored all my mental health issues over the years... DESPITE THE FACT SHE WORKS IN A ****ING MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE. Doesn't help that my dad... well, let's not get topical here, but recent years have proven the natural evolution of the kind of person he's always been. Doesn't help that my only remaining childhood friend is an arrogant dick ever since he got out of college, and after my last two visits of being miserable because of him, I know for a fact we have nothing in common these days.

Let's not forget I also had a falling out with another community recently. I'm always the idiot who defines her life by the people she's around, and always online ones at that. You'd think that I would've learned by now, but nope. So now I have nowhere to be and no, I am skeptical that I could even fit in here.

Doesn't help I've also screwed myself out of any local socializing IRL, too. So all I can do is be terminally online, and yell at depressed people on the internet because I don't like their viewpoints. Rage is really the only thing that gets me through most days -- which always feel like an eternity -- because I'd rather be an angry bitch than the sad sack I'm used to being. I don't think "trauma" really suffices to describe my brain damage, and it's certainly not an excuse for me to be so damned thin-skinned and to take it out on everyone. What's worse? I've seen my emotionally abusive dad in my tantrums as of late. That is literally the kind of selfish rage he has, where the bastard thinks that whoever yells the loudest and more viciously is the one who gets his way.

If it matters. My diagnoses are autism (Asperger's technically), OCD, depression and anxiety. That assessment hasn't changed since my teens, though. I've been told by a couple people that I may be bipolar. If that's the case, I want to move to Canada just to get euthanized, because at that point? Living isn't worth it. I've already wanted to die for the past few years anyway, and increasingly so since last September. Things have just been getting worse and worse for me since then.

Too bad I'm too egotistical to be alone. Somehow people are stupid enough to think I'm a good person, or creative. I'll tell you now, "creativity" hasn't done a goddamned thing for me, and neither did the empathy I used to have. I wish I could've been a normal person, not whatever the **** this fugly freak looking back at me in the mirror is.

Oh, and for the record? I do all of the cognitive distortions listed in the OP's link. Joy.
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Last edited by Seeks; Jan 11th, 2022 at 03:36 AM.
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  #682  
Old Jan 11th, 2022, 08:59 AM
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Well, once again I have tried to write something supportive, but I have also realized that text conveys complicated interactions incredibly poorly and deleted the entire thing. I am just another neurodivergent individual whose concerning emotional episodes mirror their father's, and who faces a need to attempt what analysis indicates will be a disastrously nonfunctional return to the realm of employment. I offer no assistance with your issues. I offer no useless "advice."

Your struggle is seen. Large portions of it resonate with others. What limited capacity I have for emotions centered around others aches due to the way the greater support system fails those whose disabilities present in the mind rather than in visible physical ways.

At the very least, thank you for putting your words into a screen. I don't have any measurable hope, but the more we "progress" into this increasingly connected digital society, the more this sort of experience is shown to the world. Maybe it will eventually show how prevalent these experiences are.
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Last edited by Ziether; Jan 11th, 2022 at 09:00 AM.
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  #683  
Old Jan 11th, 2022, 08:37 PM
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@Seeks,

There are people who care about you. I do, if you need one person named. I care. I would miss the light of your imagination, were it to go. RPGX would be dimmer for the loss.

Please reach out to a professional group/organization for help. There's a list of several in the first post.

https://www.rpgcrossing.com/showthre...57#post5170757
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  #684  
Old Jan 15th, 2022, 05:49 PM
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Seeks

Thank you for sharing.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this.
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Last edited by Gath; Jan 16th, 2022 at 12:07 AM.
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  #685  
Old Jan 21st, 2022, 12:33 AM
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I can't stop looking back. I never want to have another relationship again. I never want to hate, or let down, or love and lose, another person. Right now, I want to leave here and never come back. I don't want community. I don't want friends. I don't want to be around anyone else. I am too narcisstic to be alone. If that makes me human, then I want to truly be the subhuman freak more than I've been. I cannot forgive or forget, and I do not want to.
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  #686  
Old Jan 21st, 2022, 06:20 PM
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Oh, Seeks. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much.

You are heard. You are accepted as you are.
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  #687  
Old Feb 11th, 2022, 07:03 AM
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Wife was recently quasi laid off because she's working for a failing business and they're trying to save money. The upside is that it's given me more flexibility with work, and the ability to take more overtime.

I've worked more overtime in the last month than the last ten years of my career.

Starting to feel the sanity fraying. The paycheques are really nice, but they certainly come with a cost.

I hurt my finger at work while the wife and kid were at the inlaws for the week. I took three days off on WSIB. Laid on the couch watching movies and drinking beer. Went to bed when I felt like it and didn't set an alarm. Might've been the best vacation I've had in years.

Need an actual holiday with... like the family and stuff. In order to pay for said holiday I need to work more overtime.

January was a whole month with 31 days and everything. I have only vague recollections of that period of time.
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  #688  
Old Feb 11th, 2022, 09:01 AM
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That's rough.The overtime game is no joke. You can do it, for sure, the human body is capable of being massively mistreated. Do everything you can to protect the rest of your well-being. If that means saying "You might want to go to the in-laws next week. One of my other fingers feels funny" then do it.

I hope you get some slack soon and can make that vacation happen without having to work weary for it.
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  #689  
Old Apr 22nd, 2022, 03:43 AM
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Old Apr 28th, 2022, 02:42 PM
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I hope everything ok with you, Hotsu.
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