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  #16  
Old Sep 3rd, 2021, 04:35 PM
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  #17  
Old Sep 9th, 2021, 02:24 AM
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@Oliverjsn - note that the creator of this thread is on hiatus, and you're the first to post in over a year. A lengthy, detailed review of your character might not be arriving soon. But having read your write up once I'll offer a couple questions.

1. If Galleon feels like he had been alone for centuries, how does he intend to return to his family? Does he think they are still alive, or does he intend to travel back in time?

2. Warlock? Who is his benefactor? You pick that class, I'm thinking a GM or DM will want to know what sort of patron you have in mind.
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Old Sep 11th, 2021, 01:28 PM
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If I were a potential GM, looking this over as an app...

The idea of a warforged as puppet is sound, and makes good sense. A bound soul, trying to return to humanity, is a fine motive.

There are aspects to your writing style here that would cause you to fare less well against others.

You write with a minimalist style, which is fine, but be aware that you still need to add details, even in that style, or else you end up with a collection of sentences that lack cohesion between them. Your description starts out well, with declarative narrative along a theme, but when I get to your background, the style throws me.. it's too disjointed.

In your description, you say Galleon keeps his face veiled. Then, you tell the reader what the face looks like... how, if it's veiled, do we know that? This is the issue with short narrative sentences you will need to overcome, to use them well. If the first sentence is true, then how do we know (to trust) the second? And if we know the second (the description of the face), then should we believe the first sentence is false?

This is where a longer narrative might serve your writing, and reading, better.

Galleon keeps his face obscured by a veil, to hide his features from others. It was not that he was ashamed, but that when he lifted the veil, it always seemed to him that the carved features seemed to have changed. On the rare occasion he allowed others to see him, they also remarked about being disturbed by it; claiming that between every glance, it seemed to have altered, but it never moved while being watched.

Your background text suffers from the same fate, I feel... the sentences themselves are good, but together, they seem to jump from one idea to another, and leave crucial information out.

A dagger on a desk. Galleon Description. Two on the job, then one about his family and home. Then several about the town, then back to the dagger. They are all nice, and they probably tell a story in your head because you fill in the details (the links) between them, but to me... the vital links are still missing.

Why would someone put a dagger on a desk? Galleon lives in a merchant's outpost, but aside from a "desk job", we have no idea what he does. Apparently, he has the type of desk job where people put daggers on them?

You say that "after leaving, Galleon found himself with little to do"... after leaving what? the desk? the job? the store? He lives in the store, right? So did he close up the store, and leave with the dagger, to go somewhere else? Where? Why? Why not go to the back, and see his family?
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