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Old 09-13-2017, 04:00 PM
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Request for Application Review: Ludwig Fuchs

OP can be found here Empire of the Dead: The War At Home

This will be my third application on this site, the second to the same GM, and I was looking to make a good impression. The deadline is in two and a half weeks so I have a little time to make any suggested improvements.

Thank you all for your time!

StatusWIP


Portrait of a nobleman's son
 

The artist unfolded his easel and set out his canisters of paint. "I wonder which pompous windbag I'll be painting today." He contemplated as he adjusted his canvas and waited for his subject to arrive. "The noble plus package for this one I bet." Exaggerated muscles, chiseled jawline, and a flowing mane of hair were his most requested "embellishments". "Blonde hair, fair skin, and blue eyes, what a shock. If you'd seen one noble born you'd seen them all. " He thought to himself as the young man was seated. " All smiles and laughs with the living help eh? Must be very popular with the ladies." He mused while he set up his palette.

The painter looked at his subject, the Fuchs' heir, and the newest addition to the Empire's mighty host, and did a double take. " This one certainly hadn't missed any of his morning drills. " He thought as he outlined the black velvet doublet all the men of the house seemed to be wearing. " Empress knew how that cloth held all those muscles in place with nary a popped seam. I must ask after their tailor before this is done. " The painter readied his paints and without adjusting his gaze spoke to the subject. " Sit up straight, shoulders level and be very still. " He looked up and noticed the man had already assumed the perfect posture. He peered into his subjects eyes and almost fell into their deep blue depths. The painter shivered for a moment. " That boy certainly has something between those ears, and it's colder than a Black Terrace winter. I better make sure this one stayed happy. "



Being the best isn't enoughIt was the day before the annual running of the roads, a race where all the young men of Hightower competed to see who was the best. Rumors stirred that Pargar would be in attendance this year and that competition would be especially fierce this year to court his attentions. Ludwig swore on the memory of his mother that he would win for her as well as for his future plans. He clutched his reliquary tight as he remembered her stories of Paragar's exploits. About how her great great grandmother was at the temple the day he destroyed his own statue and how that single encounter had shaped the entire family's outlook.

Ludwig walked amongst the other contestants. Each of them bragged about how their victory was assured, and what they would do when they met Paragar. The heir to house Fuchs stifled a laugh at their bravado. " Those children think a few sprints have prepared them for this race? This is a man's game, and running is barely half the battle." His trademark confident smile shimmered like the spires of Iskanderine at sun rise. The crowds parted as he walked through the dense crowd. With a well-placed handshake here and a pat on the back there, he earned allies quickly. The rapidly decreasing collection of coin purses he handed out in secret, swayed the remainder to his cause. Only time would tell if even his preparations were enough.

His drill instructor had taken an interest in the boy and had been working him hard. Having a champion in their midsts could only improve his spear's morale. Regular duties had been waived for over a month as his Sargent had him run through every conceivable drill as well as a few advanced techniques should the other boys get over competitive. The sergeant also placed a few of his less scrupulous soldiers onto the race roster as well for insurance. " Undymion favors the prepared. " The drill master thinks to himself as the young noble does yet another series of weighted running drills.

The day of the race arrived. The sun had yet to peek over the eastern walls as Wendi pulled the shades. She had always been Ludwig's favorite servant. If you hadn't known she'd been serving the family for over two hundred years, you could easily mistake her for a living servant. She slowly unfolded the bedside table and set our her masters wardrobe for the day before she retreated to the hallway to gather his morning meal from the living chefs below. The young man donned his gray tunic and pants as he looked out the window at the city beyond. " Those who doubt humanity's birthright do not see what I see before me. He says as he applies his colognes " One must look one's best to be one's best. " He thinks to himself as he finishes his morning routine.

His family's position assured him a spot at the front of the pack. He looked around at the other competitors. Most of them fat and weak from their lives of privilege. No, it was the ones further back in the group he had to worry about. The boys with nothing to lose and everything to gain. The ones who were hungry for the prestige this would bring their midling family names. Today they would learn a hard lesson. Breeding matters just as much as determination and will. One can not stand against the perfect combination of all three. Ludwig stepped up to the block at the base of the switchback, looked over to his closest ally, and prepared for the most important afternoon of his life.

The cannon roared and the men were off like the bolt from a crossbow. Ludwig joined in the initial burst of speed, the gathered crowds cheered at their athleticism, but he quickly slowed to a jog. "Let these idiots waste their strength on the uphill run. I'll over take them all once we hit the city proper." That doesn't mean he hadn't made other arrangements, however. At that moment, his ally feigned a tumble and sent the number one contender over the side of the first drop off. " Hopefully Arend was not seriously injured in the fall. Otherwise, I'll need to double the payment to my squadmate to make up for the backlash." He thought as he rounded the embankment.

The real contenders pulled together as they entered the city proper. There was no set route, but they all know better than to take a shortcut through an alley or side street. Only The Nameless One knew what traps and hazards awaited in such poorly supervised areas. A loud snap echoed across the roadway. The lead runners looked in horror as a cart rampaged down the hill of the intersection. Running too fast to stop in time, they were struck by the cart's full force. Ludwig had not planned that tactic, too sloppy for his taste, but he was more than willing to take advantage of any opportunity and rushed forth into the lead as other racers stopped to help the injured.

Ludwig's heart soared as The Temple of the Divine Graces appeared before him. He looked back and saw he had almost an entire block's lead on the next contender. He had already counted his victory as he was struck in the leg. His leg gave out beneath him with a sickening crack just meters from the finish line. He wailed in agony as he looked up at his assailant. Pargar looked down at the noble's son with a sly grin on his face. "You have learned two valuable things today BOY. Sometimes being the best is not enough, and NEVER take your eyes off of your conquest. " The boy stifled his cries as the god walked away and several others crossed the finish before him.



PERSONALITY:
See above for more.

“The Executive” (ESTJ-A)

85% Extraverted
66% Observant
73% Thinking
65% Judging
67%Assertive


 
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  #2  
Old 09-15-2017, 07:32 PM
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From what I can see this application is in pretty good shape. I'd add some more to the personality section, but I define character personality very differently than does the GM of this game. My suggestion is to build from the foundation up - starting with motives and values, building through to desires and ending up with outer persona.

Not sure I can offer much more, this game is outside what I'd be willing to play.
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  #3  
Old 09-15-2017, 07:41 PM
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Thanks for taking the time to read this and the application page. I'd figured the lack of response meant it was at least decent on the technical front.

I've received a lot of feedback saying to show not tell. I tried to work all the application criteria into the background story. Perhaps I'll wrote another little story detailing his hopes/aspirations and what he's willing to do to reach them. I definitely have the time to do so.

Thanks again!
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:06 PM
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Disclaimer: There is no way I can review this application without seeming to be excessively harsh. If I thought any less stern a tone would properly demonstrate why I think this application is doomed, I would use it. Keep in mind as you read further that it is meant as an instructive - and hopefully constructive - commentary on where this application is, as far as I can tell, not going to be acceptable for most games.

The Short VersionI wouldn't accept this application, if I were the GM, even if it were the only application that my game received. This character reads like an extreme form of ego avatar. I won't go so far as to call it a There are a thousand definitions of this term, but at its most general, a Mary Sue is a
character who is better than everyone else at everything to the point of rendering them
irrelevant in their areas of expertise, who has no character flaws (or no relevant ones),
and who is never met with a challenge they can't overcome. The term originates in
fanfiction writing, where it has slightly different implications than it does when used in an
RPG context.
Mary Sue, but only because I doubt it's a self-insert, and the pedantic Mary Sue purists might get on my case if I applied the term to a non self-insert. This "character" is described vastly too perfectly and favorably, and he has no flaws. Characters almost by definition have plot-relevant character flaws or weaknesses (protagonists such as RPG characters always do) - after all, having plot-relevant weaknesses (and overcoming them) is a core part of the character development arc. If your character is perfection incarnate, there's no reason for him to feature in any story, ever.

On top of that, there are some obvious, glaring proofreading issues I'd recommend you'd address before the GM is making decisions.
 
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Last edited by Aeternis; 09-17-2017 at 09:24 PM.
  #5  
Old 09-17-2017, 09:46 PM
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First, thank you for that. It's obvious that you spent some time on your reply. The fact that what you said bothered me only further proves your point. He exists only to stroke ego. It wasn't intentional but that doesn't make any better.

I think my best bet will be to start over again. I haven't asked the GM to look over it yet, but I have no doubt they've read it already. I'll read what you wrote a few more times and try over again. Being perfect is the goal. There is no need to go on an adventure if he's already there.

I'll post the revisions here when I get them written!

I've downloaded some grammar checking software, but obviously it's not up to snuff. May I ask what software you use, or what you suggest I use?
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imveros View Post
I've downloaded some grammar checking software, but obviously it's not up to snuff. May I ask what software you use, or what you suggest I use?
I don't use grammar software. My browser handles spell-checking, but the grammar problems usually stand out to me on re-reading. Microsoft Word will put green and blue underlines under any grammar problems it detects (similar products do the same thing and don't require a license to be purchased), but I compose most of my posts directly inline, and do a few manual proof-reading passes before I submit. It's not a perfect system, but it keeps typos and errors to a manageable level.

Quote:
It wasn't intentional but that doesn't make any better.
It almost never is intentional, and it can be difficult to see until it's pointed out by someone else. The line between awesome character and too-awesome character can be very fuzzy unless you're standing at an objective distance - that's a major reason why the Player Support section exists.
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Last edited by Aeternis; 09-17-2017 at 10:24 PM.
  #7  
Old 09-17-2017, 10:32 PM
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Ah well I have no background in writing and my last grammar lesson was in highschool 15+ years ago. I did read over my entry several times. I caught a few mistakes, didn't know how to fix others, and obviously missed many more all together.

Are there any posts or lecture here on the subject? Any outside sources you recommend? Or is this just one of those things that comes with time?
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:44 PM
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It's just something that comes with constant practice, in my case. Teading content which is properly edited seems to help - even if it's just a daily blog post or a few pages of an adventure novel every night. Formal schooling on the subject is (at least in my experience) just a good way of making correct grammar seem like an arbitrary, imposed hardship rather than a reasonable step to make it easier to read what you're writing.

There might be something in the Writers' Block section in The Library that you could enroll in, but I don't know the full details of the offerings there very well.
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  #9  
Old 09-18-2017, 09:27 AM
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On the grammar note, it can be helpful if you can find someone to volunteer to read your writing, edit the mistakes with clear notation so you can find them, and with practice, you tend to start to find them yourself.

I am very guilty of my general ooc posts rambling, as I type how I speak, but on character posts, I write quite differently. It is habit as much as practice, and just takes a bit of time.

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