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  #1  
Old 09-09-2017, 12:08 AM
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Zugzwang Zugzwang is offline
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Request for Application Review - Orin Stormfoot

System: Pathfinder

Link to App. Link to original advert.

Orin Stormfoot
left-aligned image
Name: Orin Stormfoot

Race: Human

Class: Oracle



Description
 

Personality
 

Goals
 

Backstory
 
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Last edited by Zugzwang; 09-09-2017 at 12:16 AM.
  #2  
Old 09-09-2017, 12:15 AM
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FYI, this is a post-mortem analysis and not one for a future application. I have been graced with some feedback already, but would be delighted to have more pairs of eyes take a look. Thanks for your time!
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Last edited by Zugzwang; 09-09-2017 at 12:15 AM.
  #3  
Old 09-11-2017, 06:52 PM
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My first impression is that this is a classic D&D character in a non-typical world. The application is pretty good. I've got some comments, but need more time to formulate them than I currently have. Having said that, this may just be a mismatch for the game applied for rather than a fundamentally flawed application.

I'd be interested in hearing what feedback you've gotten already.

More coming with further study tonight.
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  #4  
Old 09-12-2017, 01:11 AM
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Paraphrased problems, based on feedback that I received:

1.) Formatting sucked. Picture/words/color too big and distracting. Too many spoilers. Not all TT text needed.
2.) Cookie-cutter app--poorly integrated with the DM's setting?

Note that the reviewer was reading through three long apps before giving this feedback, and probably lacked the time to extensively read the original DM adverts for each. Thus, the feedback is based on impressions and skimming. (Who knows, the DM probably had to do the same, given the quantity of apps.)
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  #5  
Old 09-12-2017, 01:20 AM
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Personally, I suspect the biggest thing was not proving that this character could get along well with others. I spent an embarrassingly large number of hours crafting the English on this one to create an enticing hook and to craft what I thought would be a story in an interesting format, i.e. have pieces that alluded and connected to each other, kinda sorta like how the book House of Leaves was written and the movie Dunkirk was directed (there's probably a better analogy out there, but basically I'm talking about a nonlinear story from different perspectives of time). Well, A) I'm not that good, and B) applications are kinda like resumes, and creative resumes are rarely a good thing.

I dunno. Still not entirely sure about this one. I think that if I had instead used 'Personality' to describe the character's interactions with another being without killing them, in other words show that he'd get along well enough with the party, the app would've stood a better chance. Or who knows, maybe it was a problem with my low post count, or something unrelated to the app. I don't care much for speculating, but would love to hear more feedback on how to improve the app on this one.
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Last edited by Zugzwang; 09-12-2017 at 01:23 AM.
  #6  
Old 09-12-2017, 06:24 AM
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Zugwang, I hadn't posted because I agree largely with the comments you have already received, but a small point that I dont think has been specifically mentioned is that I struggle to easily read the font you have selected, which would also put me off.

Also a personal thing, but I am not a fan of the description being as in character as you made it
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:43 PM
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Zugzwang, I agree with most of the feedback you've already received, so I'll offer comments of a different sort. I saw Bade's ad when it came out (and was sorely tempted to apply) so my feedback pertains to fit.
  • Queen Beatrice lived about 300 years ago. (See the first line in Bade's backstory, or his answer to dalarangreen's question here, just 3 posts before your app.)
  • Orin is a human. As was, presumably, Beatrice.
  • Your app suggests that Orin knew Beatrice personally. Do you notice a temporal disconnect? (Unless there was a Captain America-like revival in Orin's background I missed.)
Another problem (if I were DM) is that you've tried to tie Orin too close to the central mystery of the game. One of the wonders of this game is to discover what happened—but Orin was already there. He would make a better NPC than PC (if the events in Epoque had happened a couple decades ago instead of 300 years ago).

So, never mind the writing or presentation (which others have already addressed): if I were DM, I would reject Orin based solely on fit. Bade, of course, has his own reasons, but I know of at least one DM on this site who rejects apps based on not reading the application/background info carefully.
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  #8  
Old 09-12-2017, 02:01 PM
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Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad to hear from a variety of perspectives. I don't believe in "wrong answers," since practically anyone on this site could DM if they chose to, and as such, there might not always be a prevailing opinion that silences all others.

I didn't consider that about the font. I thought it looked cool, and went with the notion that serif reads easier than sans-serif. Using the default should never be a problem though, so I'll remember that for next time. Thanks!

I find it amusing that over here I'm being told that personality is a bit too much in-character, and in another app in which I attempted to describe personality rather than demonstrate it, I was told to "show, don't tell." Perhaps I attempted both extremes and somewhere in the middle is a better compromise? Or that people just have differing opinions? Or it's not a dichotomy and I'm missing something, in which case I'd be grateful to learn.

Ah yes! The time issue. I did indeed freeze time, and secreted a DM message explicitly stating that I did so, and was rather liberal about my use of time. I never received feedback about it, but perhaps simply by that fact the application was already dismissed. I didn't really think about the implications of being so closely tied to the central plot, but did offer to make the character amnesic. It's probably too much at that point, anyway. I suppose the time freeze was not as apparent as I thought I made it, so I'd agree that it'd be quite easy to chalk it up to poor reading comprehension and dismiss the application at that point.
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  #9  
Old 09-12-2017, 02:56 PM
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Formatting, fonts and much of the rest of an application is a matter of taste. I personally don't mind a bit of formatting, but lack of coherent character drives me absolutely crazy. This is my personal taste. I'd probably take a look at what is being done in the application thread and take my guide from there.

One thing that is mostly consistent is that descriptions and things about the character are done out of character. While things that are done by the character are in character. Thus description and personality are out of character, while the roleplay sample is always in character. I've seen examples of backstory that work well both ways.
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