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  #1  
Old 04-03-2018, 01:28 PM
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Mors Maelynd: Application Review

Would appreciate any and all help possible.

Link to Ezra's Return

Application
Name: Mors Maelynd

Age: 48

Class: Fighter

Race: Human

Alignment: Lawful Good

Physical description: Grey hair and sunken brown eyes show the wear and tear the mines can have on its long-term residents. Mors stands six feet tall and two inches tall, poking his head above the masses. A savage scar runs along his left eye, treated with salt like any punishment dished out by the wardens. Fortunately, his physique has remained in peak condition as a byproduct of the labor of mining salt every day and every night.



Personality: Mors Maelynd has a heart of gold, and tries to help those who are new to the salt mines and seem like they could use a guiding hand. Lies and deceit are not his strong suit, for honesty is indeed the best policy. He mines hard and keeps to himself. That's the best way to avoid the heretics. The best way to deal with problems is to deal with them head on, just like Papa Morlynd taught him.


Background: Mors grew up in the city of Kingsport, born and raised as a loyal servant to the crown of Valdenbar. His father and mother were candlemakers. Simple, hardworking people. Not really showing any skill at candle-crafting, Mors signed up to join the Kingsport City Watch as soon as he was of age. His strength and stature served the fighter quite well, but they did not prepare him well enough for the corruption in the city.

Our currently-employed watchman discovered evidence that one of the courtiers in King Valdenbar's company had secretly been giving praise to Ezra. Doing what he thought was right, Mors reported his findings to one of his superiors. Instead of capturing the heretic and throwing them in the salt mines, Mors was stripped of his position as a member of the city watch and sentenced to work the salt mines until his dying breath. That was twenty nine years ago.

Although he may have been imprisoned wrongfully, the ex-watchman still is a devoted patriot and servant of the king. If he ever gets out of these mines, the cult of Ezra will pay for their evils.

Secretly, the brave fighter has two fears that plague him daily. His biggest fear is that Ezra and her followers will overthrow the King and cause the land to enter a state of anarchy. Mors also fears that he'll never see the beautiful blue sky again, but he has grown to accept that.
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  #2  
Old 04-03-2018, 04:28 PM
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If I were to consider this character for a game I would consider him to be slightly lacking in dimension - a little too perfect, so to speak, while there are many reasons for him not to be.

You bring up these events in his life that should have marked him, yet he still seems completely unchanged. The way I am reading it he is old and enslaved, yet in top physical condition apart from a bit of grey hair and less than perfect eyes. No stiff bones in the morning, no creeping pain in the back when the cold works its way under the skin, no lamentating over a hairline moving ever northwards, nothing that's slightly unpleasant about the ravages of time. Nothing that is probably part of the hardships of working in a mine... I mean I get that it's a lot of physical labour, but it prisoners are not always fed the best, more like worked to death and replaced.

I am sure in Game Terms he will have the attributes to back this up, technically, but I still feel than when a character is old and has been imprisoned the chance to devote some description to the fact is an opportunity to create some depth. It need not make him seem weaker than he is, but more alive and more believable. Same goes for a scar without a backstory - here it is purely aesthethic, while it could be good material for a minor part of background.

And with the personality it's similar. He has been wronged in big way and put in a constricting and demeaning position, but yet he did seems unchanged. Sure, he'll be back with a vengeance, but that he takes twenty years in such a stride is a bit of a waste of the situation. I am not saying he should be a whining cynic because of it, even though I would understand if he was, but again there would be more depth to it if you could go into detail on how hard it was to retain his moral compass - because unquestionably it would have been. The temptation to become a worse person is there, why is he still the same? How did that go down in the salt mines?

Also I see a contradiction in him accepting his possible fate of forever remaining in the mines and still holding on to his grudge against Ezra. Personally I'd feel the two are somewhat mutually exclusive. If he was holding on to the yearning to break free and right the great wrongs, that may be an explanation of why he is so unwaveringly good, where he drew the energy from to keep his physique and so on and so forth.

Overall there is the seed of a three dimensional character here, but it would really benefit from more detail. I'm not saying write another page, just a sentence here and there would be enough. Other Gms may see things differently, but that's my two cents.

Last edited by Phettberg; 04-03-2018 at 04:42 PM.
  #3  
Old 04-03-2018, 05:38 PM
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Now that you mention it, I totally see what you are saying. Thank you very much, your input was enlightening.
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:05 PM
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I know this is late, but figure that any feedback is better than none.

My first thought is that this character is supposed to be second level. A character who is nearly 50 and has been in a prison/work camp for nearly 30 years and yet only 2nd level seems a bit odd.

In the physical description you mention the wear and tear of the mines but describe the character as in peak condition. This seems contradictory to me. I'd buy being tough as an old boot and about as worn, or weathered and ropy with muscle, but peak condition isn't what would spring to mind.

His personality is just a sketch - he's got a heart of gold and keeps to himself, except when dealing with problems or helping newcomers. Why is he good hearted? How has he kept to that even after 20 years in prison? Is this Andy Duphrain from The Shawshank Redemption? I don't see any flaws or values and reasons that the character would stay that way. I'd suggest getting some more depth to the character. Consider the values and motives that lead to the character being this way. Expand those and show the ramifications on other aspects of personality. You've got to build the character from the inside out. Why is he a devoted patriot to a regime that threw him away to suit it's needs? Is he a patriot to the king or to the kingdom?

This is supposed to be a character driven game, but you've not given the GM much to get his teeth into. I'd suggest looking at some of the character building posts that are littered around the site such as my own Building Better Characters. This character has potential and I can see a quite spectacular result with some work.
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  #5  
Old 04-14-2018, 09:47 PM
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You're completely right. Thanks for the feedback.
And that link is great! Thank you!
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